Field of Dreams

(note: This teaching is not for everyone and should not be read by everyone. If you are reading it and feel it is upsetting or wrong to you, then stop reading it and forget about it. ) 

We are all driven by our inner beliefs. The belief that we need love drives us toward finding a lover. We probably even have a dream or vision of what kind of lover we feel we need in order to be happy. Maybe the dream includes a dream house with a dream dog and dream kids. We may think that having that house, that dog, that partner and those kids will “complete” us and then and only then can we rest and be at peace with ourselves. Hope and fear are the two emotions that drive us toward that dream. Hope that it will all work out and we will finally be truly happy; fear that we may screw it up somehow maybe by putting our foot in our mouth when we are on the first date with that dream partner.

When we are feeling lonely, sad, and empty we automatically believe that we are feeling that way because the dream hasn't materialized yet. Feelings of impoverishment and unworthiness stem from the inner belief that we will only truly be happy when that dream becomes a reality. The truth is much more sharp and harsh than that. The truth is that even when we get that dream, we still may feel sad, lonely and impoverished. 

Because another's love is almost always very conditional we will never really feel like our happiness is secure or complete. It almost seems like as long as they are getting what they need from us, they will continue to “love” us. Is our love of them conditional too? Of course it is, especially in the beginning of a relationship. In a way, getting this kind of “love” is never deeply satisfying because there is always the fear or inner knowledge that it will not last. Longing for and working hard to keep the relationship which will fix our loneliness and self doubt is like trying to use a thin band-aid to heal a large gushing gash in our chest.

Is this “love” really love or is it just an unspoken symbiotic understanding that gets each other's “needs” met. What happens when the unspoken contract is broken? Usually anger and drama ensue. What happens when your partner is cold and judgmental one morning instead of being warm and accepting? We usually blame them and feel angry that the contract was broken. When someone cheats on their partner, what are they cheating on?

Seeing the hopes and fears under our dreams is both grounding and also unsettling. Realizing the dream that we thought would make us happy isn't true, can be a sad, raw realization. Perhaps as you read this you are thinking just how untrue this is. You may feel angry that it is even being brought up. If this is the case then you will need to find out for yourself whether this is true or not. In truth we all have to come to this kind of wisdom through our own experience and the suffering that comes from having your dreams either dashed or completed. We are all attached to a lot of beliefs until we aren't. Eventually, if we are lucky, we go through so much suffering we end up giving in to the truth. The truth which comes from the realization that our suffering doesn't stem from the outside, but rather from the inside. Giving in to this truth means we have come to realize that our suffering comes from our belief in those expectations. Our attachment to those sweet, scary dreams is what causes so much pain and self loathing. A friend once told me: "Expectations are premeditated disappointments. 

To realize the the truth under our dreams means we need to stop trying to convince ourselves of something that is fundamentally not true. The kind of honesty needed to see the true ground is a fearless kind of honesty. Its also a simple honesty without agenda or criticism. Realizing that no one else besides ourselves can ever “fix” us means that we no longer feel quite as driven to make that dream a reality. The athelete who has hope that they are a “winner” and fear that they might be a “loser” may realize one day after years of trying really hard that since being a winner or being a loser is only temporary, it is at best just a thin band-aid which covers up the big gaping gash of their own self doubt. When that stark truth becomes apparent to them at last, there is a release. Afterward they may not train at all anynmore, or they may train harder but for a different reason.

The release is like a giving in or a giving up. On the rare occasion when this realization hits someone they are often very upset, yet somehow more at peace. The person who works so hard to gain other's respect and acceptance may realize someday just how futile their efforts are and may give up. If you happen to be there when that realization really hits them, you may notice that they are no longer trying to impress others. They may somehow seem more real and honest about themselves even though they are in the midst of a great emotional storm. They may be bawling their eyes out, but they are no longer worried about saying the “right” thing. After the emotional storm passes they often are much more at peace with themselves. They are real and genuine at last. When all the dreams fall apart, there is a deep realization that you don't need to “be” anybody. When the desire for the truth is greater than the desire for the dream, the dream can be seen for what it is, an empty promise. 

Striving for something for which you feel you need in order to feel happy and whole may seem like a worthwhile endeavor. Some say: 'Nothing great has ever come about without first having a dream.' This is true except that the dream that creators follow is less a dream of personal salvation and more a vision inspiration that comes from a source outside the small self. In the movie “Field of Dreams” Kevin Costner plays a mid west farmer who has a vision where he is told by an apparition: 'If you build it, they will come.' He doesn't really know what will happen or even exactly why he needs to build a baseball field, but somehow he knows that he must. Against great opposition by his wife friends and neighbors, he follows this dream and builds that baseball field. The magic that happens is legendary.  Another example: Have you ever noticed that a poem written to impress others is not nearly as good as a poem written from a deeper place of raw honesty? The dreams we have for a better future usually come from a place of dissatisfaction and impoverishment and not from a place of inspiration and aliveness.

The problem with dreams that are based in dissatisfaction is that they are usually rooted in an inner belief that there isn't enough already. The woman who can't leave the house without makeup on likely has a deep seated belief that she isn't beautiful enough as she is. Whenever she wears makeup it deepens her inner belief that she isn't OK as she is. In this was the very quest for the dream reinforces the inner beliefs that we don't already have what is needed. The guy who tries really hard to impress a woman into loving him reinforces the inner fear that he is not lovable as he is. The inner belief creates the reality. This is one of the main ways we create our own suffering.

One of the biggest obstacles in a person's spiritual development is what Chugyam Trungpa Rinpoche called “Spiritual Materialism.” Spiritual Materialism is the belief that one's own personal growth and realization is a building up process. One who is caught up in this view believes that the more pious and “good” you act, the more realized you become. The notion or dream that one must try hard through force of will to overcome their own human desires and tendencies in order to get into Heaven, or to reach Nirvana, is at the heart of this view. The view that if you are great at acting like a saint, God will bless you and allow you into heaven, stems from the inner belief that you are not good enough as you are. Being perfect is often the goal and standard one strives for when they have this view. The dream to become enlightened or to become an angel is often the source and motivation for spiritual seekers. Unfortunately the seeking reinforces the inner belief that they do not have what it is they seek.

Many enlightened people have said that you already have what it is you seek. The Buddha once told a parable of a man who was outwardly very poor, yet all the while he didn't even know that he had a treasure chest buried in his basement. The fact that we already have Buddha nature or what some call basic goodness is like the treasure that is each and every one's birthright. It is said that it can not be undermined or destroyed, yet we have a hard time understanding that or seeing it to be true. 

There are many accounts of people suddenly becoming enlightened after giving up in some way. Adyashanti was a spiritual seeker who put in great effort to become someone “great.” He would always be the first in the meditation hall and would push himself to exhaustion trying to suppress his thoughts while meditating. One day, out of extreme exhaustion from trying so hard, he finally gave up. When the dream to become enlightened finally collapsed he was left standing in a place of complete honesty. His ego could not exist in the face of such honesty and he realized the true nature of the self and also that he was already what he sought.

Spiritual materialism is in a way a place of dishonesty about oneself. The belief that one must act like a saint in order to become one is backwards from how it really is. The realization of the nature of self or the nature of ego is actually a grounding in an extreme form of honesty. When one sees the ego for what it is, then most if not all desires fall apart. The need to be someone great is seen through as just another dream. When there is no one to defend and fend for, then all that is left is pure unconditional love for life and for others. The saint like behavior comes from this place of realization, not the other way around.

When the ego is seen through in this way and one's dreams for a better future fall apart, then one's efforts can be directed by a situation instead of for an agenda. Great things have happened when people allow their efforts to be pulled by a situation instead of being pushed by a personal dream. The most profound art came about because the artist was pulled to create it. It was as if their body and skills were being used by a larger force to be a part of something that had a life of its own. The notion that they created the art is not really correct. The creation was really only possible when their ego got out of the way. Yet, often after the creation is complete the ego jumps in and feels that it was the creator and owner of the work.  In actuality the creative force of life is what directed and drove them.  The creations that came from these selfless efforts not only were beautiful but also deeply inspiring. In order for this creative process to happen, all you need to do is give in to it and to give up the notion that you will only be happy when  (you can fill in the blank).