Harboring Resentments

In our lives we are always watching out for ourselves. We have many techniques to help maintain our self, and a big category of these techniques is to keep ourselves separate from others. Our ego is always looking for a reason to separate. Hate, resentment, pity, jealousy, are just a few emotional states that drive the actions which separate us from others.

Have you ever noticed that people who seem to be really good at hating others, end up alone and miserable? Its no surprise when you think about it. The habit of finding fault in others, can lead one to feel superior and this kind of deep self delusion separates us from others. We think we are looking out for ourselves, but in fact we are making our self miserable, and small. How is that helpful in bringing more happiness to our lives? 

Another technique our ego uses to separate us is jumping to negative conclusions about other's motives, especially when they did something which harmed us. Harboring resentment or hidden anger towards others while all the while smiling, is a particularly good way to keep ourselves separate from others, especially friends. When a friend slights us, we often jump to the conclusion that they had it out for us, and meant us harm. We assume they were thinking along those lines, and anger and resentment get raised. If we run these stories over and over in our head, then all past positive experiences with that friend are forgotten and they become an enemy to us. We usually don't confront them about it either because it would be too exhausting to try and justify our decision to begin hating them if we had to argue with them about it. No, its much much easier to just keep our hatred secret, or at least to keep it secret from them. 

You can hear the resentment (and growing hatred) in inner commentary such as: “He left the toilet seat up again! He knows how much I hate that! Arrrrgh!” , “They didn't even offer to help.” , “He said that just to hurt my feelings!”  , "She knew how important this was and she didn't even try. She doesn't care about me!" There are endless other examples, but how can we really know what they are thinking? We can't, so why not assume the positive: "I'm sure they didn't really mean me harm, they were probably just lost in their thoughts."  Some people do have this habit of seeing the bright side in every situation. This kind of positive karma serves them well usually because they are the ones that have a lot of friends, and are always getting invited to the best parties.  So if believing the worst in someone else's motives doesn't really serve us well, then why do we do it over and over again?  The truth is, you can't know what someone else's thoughts are unless you ask them, and they are honest with you about it. So hidden resentments are usually predicated on the belief that you can know what they are thinking. How silly is that? 

If hidden resentment were not kept hidden, then usually it would be resolved and you would still be able to be friends, or lovers with the other. Is that what the ego wants? Unfortunately, no. That's not what the ego wants. The ego wants you to be separate. It is always looking for evidence of separateness because its a falsehood that must be maintained if the ego is to survive. If and when you get the courage to confront the person who "wronged" you, chances are it will be some kind of miscommunication. In my life, I would say that about 90% of the time the other person I was so mad at, didn't have any ill will towards me, they were just not being mindful, and happened to say what they said without really meaning it. Although they didn't put the toilet seat down, it wasn't their passive aggressive jab at you as you had originally thought. It was just them being lost in thought which is something that happens to all of us a lot of the time. If the majority of time you confronted other people you were angry at, and you did it in a way that minimized the chance of getting their anger aroused, you probably wouldn't be able to stay mad at them for long. You could start caring for them again.

When someone holds on to resentment and keeps their anger hidden, then all that is obvious to others is that there is a tension in the room. Have you ever felt that tension in a room of people where there's unresolved issues? I've heard of dramas that last generations. “So and so's father did this to our father back in 1973 and that's why we don't want to have anything to do with them anymore.” Have you ever heard this kind of thing? I have. Decades of friendship lost because of hidden resentments that are usually based on some miscommunication. Even when supposed wrong doings are talked about, and then yelled about, and maybe even fought about physically, it often releases the tension and people can be friends again. Have you ever had or known friends who had to fight out their anger towards one another until they could be friends again? They literally had to punch and get punched before they could be friends again. The tension was that strong.

So what happens when tensions are not resolved? What happens when the fake smiles become obvious to all, but never get resolved? Friendships are destroyed, divorces happen, families break apart. Does that sound like a good strategy for long term happiness? Ironically, the very reason we often use for not airing our annoyances and resentments with our friends and family is that we don't want to damage our relationship with them. Is this really true? How can it be? How can putting on a fake smile and acting like everything is OK will help us maintain a relationship? The negative belief, whether stated or not, is an energy state that people can feel. People often know or at least suspect when you are mad at them. I think its happened to all of us. So when resentments are not talked about,  the wedge is driven in, and the relationship is split apart. The truth is, relationships are damaged far more by harboring resentments then by talking about them. Is this separation really an unrealized side effect of harboring resentments, or is this kind of pushing away the main, hidden goal? If we really wanted to stay close to our friends and loved ones then we would work out our differences rather than put on fake smiles around them. If we really wanted to stay close, wouldn't we just say: “Hey... do you mind putting down the toilet seat when you're done? That drives me crazy.” People who are serious about maintaining relationships are often fearless when it comes to airing their resentments. Hopefully they find ways to say what needs to be said in a respectful, open way, but even when they don't and they get into an argument, in the end their friendship becomes stronger because of that honesty.

Its like plate tectonics. Two giant geologic plates of the Earth's crust move in opposite directions causing friction, and deformation to build up where they meet. The longer the tension builds deep under ground, the bigger the quake will be when the day comes that that the final straw is dropped onto the back of that weary camel. Relationships are kind of like that. The longer you hold onto a negative judgement against another, the more separate you will be from them and the harder it will be to talk about it. The ego loves this process. This process also is the cause of a lot of stress and misery too. A happy couple can turn into a hateful couple if hidden judgments and resentments are not aired out and resolved.

The ego loves to create suffering and is so good at it. The antidote is seeing it. When you see some aspect of your ego, then you know right then and there that at least you are not that which you see. If you notice that you have been going over in your head again and again about what a lazy jerk so and so is, and you see that aspect of ego in that belief, you are no longer lost in the belief. The belief really loses its power over you when you see that its just another strategy employed by the ego to separate you from others. The best attitude to have when observing the ego is similar to that of a grandparent who is watching their grand kids. Its a forgiving panoramic kind of view. When you can laugh at yourself you have this view. If you are scolding yourself when you see yourself making negative judgments against others, then chances are, you won't notice that tendency in yourself too often because you are training yourself to not go there. You are training yourself to ignore the imperfections rather than laugh at it all. Seeing the ego from the self improvement perspective is just another aspect of the ego. Seeing the ego with the perspective of loving kindness towards your self, is putting one foot out of the jail cell of the ego.  

How much do you really care for your friends?  How important are they to you?  Is it worth it to harbor resentment and later hatred toward them just because you think you know what is going on in their head? Fearlessness to confront the scary places is the path of the spiritual warrior. That's a path of personal growth,  empowerment and connection. Shying away from the hard conversations is not going to make you happier. It almost always has the same result: separation, and hatred.  Just what the ego always wanted.      

Guilt or Remorse; You Choose

Guilt seems to be a ubiquitous emotion in our society.  It plays a major role in most people's lives.  It is central to many religions and is, at best a catalyst for personal improvement, and at worst, a destructive force which can destroy happiness and success.  Some believe that guilt is important in order for people to have the motivation to adhere to a moral code. Inherent in this comes many heavy handed beliefs about the self, being “pure,” “good,” and “perfect.” We don't want to feel guilty or bad about ourselves, so we help the elderly person across the street. Some would say that without guilt society would quickly become chaotic and unsafe. But is this really true? We assume it is, but is it really?

So.... what is guilt?  From what I've noticed, guilt is aggression turned inward. I say this because, if you look at your feeling state when you feel guilty, it is very similar to the feeling state you have when you are angry at someone for doing something wrong.  For instance.. how do you feel when someone cuts in front of you in line?  Do you feel warm fuzzy feelings of appreciation towards them; probably not.  You probably think they are total douche bags, or jerks, or at least oblivious to others, and therefore inconsiderate.  These are the labels and stories we may tell ourselves, but the feeling state we have is one of aggression.  Its probably similar to what a dog feels when its territory is threatened.  The emotion is hot, its directed at the external object or person with laser-beam intensity. It seems to shout... “You are BAD!  I want you to go away, and not exist.”  Isn't this what you feel in a situation where someone did something wrong, or something you believe is wrong.  They may not see anything wrong in their behavior, but since the aggression is something you own, its all from your own morality, your own perspective.  If we have a chance, we will give them a piece of our mind and set them straight. That's what we want to do when someone just let their dog poop on our lawn and they didn't clean it up.

The next time someone gives you a piece of their mind, watch and notice the energy of the situation, and watch your own feeling state.  An aggressive feeling state may very well arise in you as well, and if you aren't careful, you'll get into a big argument.   Another feeling state which is very similar, may arise though.  This is the state of feeling guilty.  Instead of directing the aggression toward the person who is mad at you, you direct it inward and feel those same feelings toward yourself.  You may agree with them and start believing that you are "bad".  The feeling state is very similar to when you direct that aggression outward except that its turned inward.  

Guilt has another component to it though. When one feels guilty, or is directing that aggressive state inward, then they often feel sad or develop a feeling of despair.   Guilt brings out our deepest darkest fears that we are “no good,” or “not worthy,” or a “worthless piece of shit!” This negative self view or self definition is not real but it really feels that way. How could it be ultimately true, though? Don't we all have the tendencies to good things and bad things? Don't we all make mistakes, and break things? Don't we also have the tendency to get things right at times too, or to fix things?” Haven't you been a hero at times? So why feel guilty about mistakes just because you happen to be a zero for while? Why be convinced that you are no good as a person because you made a mistake? How can that personal definition really be true when there are times when you are a hero so to speak? Remember the time you said just the right thing when you're friend was in a difficult space? So, if you have the capacity to do positive, helpful things as well as negative harmful things, then how can you say you are totally good or totally bad? Yet when we are in the middle of a bought of guilt, we feel certain that we are “no good.” Since you can at times be a hero, and at times be a zero, then how can you say with any kind of seriousness that you are totally a zero or totally a hero? How can you feel so upset at the thought that you aren't perfect, when being human requires making all kinds of compromises and mistakes are inevitable?

The notion of original sin is one based on the idea that we are fixed entities and our goodness is dependant on being absolutely perfect all the time for our whole life. I think most of us have the belief that to “be” a good person, a person worthy of others respect and love, we have to be a hero all the time. If you're not perfect, you are not “good.” This is the source of aggression we feel against ourselves when we feel guilty for a mistake we made. The aggression is like a scolding parent trying to set their kid “right.” Its like the aggression of a boss who is annoyed with an employee who they are convinced is “worthless.” Only, its aggression which we have towards ourselves.

I recently read that the way a parent speaks to their kid is how that kids inner voice will speak all throughout their lives. If a parent is always scolding their kid for making mistakes and not being perfect, then when that kid grows up they will be very critical of themselves, and probably have bouts of depression because of that inner habit of negativity. A student might think upon seeing that one B grade in amongst what would have been all A's, “If I had only tried harder I would have succeeded.” “I'm lazy, and not good enough to be a success.” or they might think, “I knew I couldn't get a 4.0 gpa. I'm just not good enough.”

There is a way to break out of that cycle of self aggression, and inner negativity. All that is required, is to notice your own self judgements and remember to question the validity of those judgements. When the person who felt guilty for not getting perfect grades realizes that they were making negative self judgements, they might then immediately question the notions: “I'm just not good enough.” or “I'm lazy.” Most of the time, self judgements require the use of the verb to be. Look for that. Then ask yourself, “How can I know that this is so?” “How can I be totally lazy when all my grades were A's except one?” When you honestly question your beliefs about yourself, the beliefs will always turn out to be not entirely true. There may be a partial truth there, but is it worth feeling bad about yourself over? Besides, how can you really “be” something when you can also be others things too. You can be good at times and bad at others, you can be successful at times and a failure at others, you can be a hero and a minute later a zero. So how can you really say that you are totally a hero or totally a zero? You can't. We are a mixture of tendencies, not an absolute, entirely predictable, unchanging machine like, solid entity. The whole notion of a perfect person rests on the assumption that we are unchanging and fixed. That notion just doesn't really make any sense when you think about it. So, breath a big breath of relief because you aren't totally worthless and bad after all. You are many many things, good and bad. Learn to accept and love yourself for all those things. Forgive yourself first for being not perfect, then forgive yourself for even having the notion that you need to be perfect because when you fully realize that there is ultimately no such thing as perfection you will realize that its impossible to be alive and to be perfect.

Perfection is a mind constructed ideal which is really an over simplification of reality. Take for instance, a straight line. You can draw a straight line and stand back and notice that its not really straight. Your hand might have inadvertently made it curve a little. So, you can then use a straight edge, and redraw the line, but is it really a perfect straight line? If you got a magnifying lens you would see imperfections in it. Little blobs of ink or carbon here and there. So, what if you then got a super fine pencil, and a super accurate straight edge and carefully redrew the line again? Is it a perfect straight line now? No it isn't. If you put that line under a microscope, you would see even more imperfections. There really is no way to make a “perfect” straight line or a perfect anything, because there is no such thing as absolutely perfect in this universe. Perfection is a mental construct which over simplifies reality. The only perfect line that can exist is in your mind. Any other representation of a “perfect” line is just that, a representation, not a real perfect line. The same is true with notions of the perfect person. If you really look, no one is or ever can be perfect because we are far to complex to fit into an over simplified definition.

The notion that you need to be perfect in order to be lovable and respectable is also one that can not be true either, because if there is no such thing as a perfect person then how is it that perfection is required for us to prove our worthiness? No wonder people get so discouraged with themselves and with life. They expect themselves to be something which is impossible to be. They berate themselves and even hate themselves for not being perfect. Talk about aggression turned inward.

The next time you notice this aggression try to counter the feeling state which comes with these silly beliefs by generating forgiveness and loving kindness towards yourself. Tell yourself that you are OK just as you are, and although there are things you would like to become better at, it has nothing to do with who you really are. Remind yourself over and over that you don't need to be perfect and with no mistakes. You are good enough just as you are. Since you've probably been telling yourself the opposite for a long time, it might take a lot of reminding, before the new belief really takes hold and permeates down deep. Counter negative thoughts and judgements with an assessment of the ultimate truth or untruth of the self judgement, and then tell yourself that you are good enough as you are, and people will love you as you are because you are lovable as you are. Remind yourself over and over and over again.

So, is guilt really necessary to be a good person? Some would say it is. Some would say that without a reason to do the right thing we (all people) would be selfish monsters. I have to disagree. In fact I would say that avoiding the feeling and beliefs of guilt is one of the main reasons people get angry when they are told they are doing something wrong. People don't want to pour hate on themselves so they instead pour it on the person or group who is pointing out the mistake. So, if avoiding guilt actually keeps people from looking at themselves clearly, then how is it that they can become a better person by feeling guilty? Isn't it true that a mistake is an opportunity to learn? But if the mistake is seen as a threat to one's very belief about oneself, then the last thing one would want is to admit that mistake, but how can one improve oneself with out learning from those mistakes? Do guilty feelings actually block us from becoming better people? It seems that way to me. The person who believes they must be a perfect parent to be a good parent will likely get very angry at you for pointing out that yelling at their kids all the time is bad for them. That's why we often don't point out those warts to our friends because we want them to stay our friends. That's why we often don't even see what we are doing for years, until our kids get totally traumatized and have to pay lots of money to a therapist in order to feel OK about themselves. Guilt is not really a great thing as far as I'm concerned. Its a harmful feeling-state which propagates all kinds of negative energy to ourselves and to those around us.

Do we really need to have guilt to be a good person? There are some people in society who seem to have no guilt, and those people often are extremely selfish and harm others with impunity. But the fact that they think its OK to harm others as long as they get what they want is not really because they have no guilt, its because they lack the emotional intelligence to realize that other people are just as important as they are. People who have the affliction of lacking guilt, lack it because they lack conscience. They lack a sense of larger than self morality. Guilt is not the underpinning of that higher morality, it comes from that. If people only did the right thing because they wanted to avoid feeling a certain way, then it wouldn't really be morality, it would be Pavlovian avoidance. I think we all know that that is not the basis of knowing whats right and whats wrong.

That being said, the feeling state that comes from doing something wrong is useful as long as you don't make an identity out of it. The feeling state of guilt without the negative self definition is what is called “remorse”. If you eat something that tastes really yukky, you regret it. In the same way, if you steal something and then later feel really bad about it without thinking of yourself as a bad person, then you are experiencing remorse. Guilt without identity is remorse. This feeling is very useful.

Just like avoiding a food that tastes bad you can avoid actions that make you feel remorse. Remembering how you felt after you stole the candy bar from the store can be a great way to find the motivation to not ever steal again. But if you add the self to it, and you think of yourself as a lousy person, or even worse, you think of yourself as a “theif” then all kinds of negative consequences can happen. You can actually accept your new identity as “truth” and then start stealing more. I've heard from psychologists that many criminals in prison think of themselves as a “bad person.” This inner belief is what they continue to act out like an actor playing a role. If, instead they didn't see themselves as “bad” but felt bad for what they did, then they would likely avoid doing the same thing in the future.

Remorse with an underpinning of loving kindness towards yourself and a larger then self sense of duty, is a much more effective way of doing the right thing and learning from your mistakes and ultimately becoming a better person, than feeling guilty. The Dalai Lama once was asked a question about guilt and didn't understand because the Tibetan culture doesn't have a word for it. They do have a word for remorse, and it is talked about a good deal because its actually helpful in the human spiritual journey. Guilt on the other hand is probably not often helpful. I would even go so far as to claim that it is probably never helpful, but never is such a big word. Learning the difference between feeling guilty and feeling remorse is a great thing to do. Just as striving to become a better and better person is a much better view of yourself and your life than assuming that you should have been perfect in the first place.

Life is Humbling

Have you ever noticed how life offers us endless opportunities to be humbled? What does it mean to be humbled? It means we are confronted face to face with the reality that we are fallible and impermanent, and that our importance and power are always relative. We will always have some power, but so much more of the universe, and even our little corner of it, is beyond what we can control.  To strive for more and more power in the hopes of finally becoming powerful enough is fundamentally futile. Even the most powerful Roman emperor at some point had to lay down on his death bed, and come to the realization that all that power he had couldn't save him from the jaws of impermanence. Moments of that kind of realization run deep and have a vein of sadness that runs through to your center.

Humility is a breaking down of a part of the self. When the thing you always felt defined you, crumbles and is revealed to be not so true, then our world is truly rocked. To be reminded of our relative significance or insignificance, is a checking in with reality. Look up at the stars the next chance you get and you will probably know what I mean. I am always deeply humbled when I look at the stars. That is the best way to describe the experience. Being humbled, even if we feel foolish or guilty in the process, is in reality a huge opportunity for spiritual realization, but only if you are trying to get to the bottom of things, not if you are trying to be somebody better or important. If you see being humbled as an opportunity to get closer to enlightenment, then although you have a broad view of yourself, you still don't understand what the “self” is. On the other hand if being humbled means a painful realization that you are not who you thought you were, then your view of your world and your “self” has been rocked.

When you are humbled you can automatically feel bad about yourself. You may even call yourself an asshole or some other derogatory name, but there is an alternative to this automatic judging. The alternative is to rest in the nowness of not knowing who you are. Find out what can be learned by not knowing. What does it mean to be curious about what it feels like to not know who you are? Is it possible to just move your awareness into your body and watch your feelings? Meditation is a great way to learn how.

Dying, in a way, is the ultimate humbling. We lose absolutely everything, even our minds and bodies. What could be more disillusioning than that? I once worked in a bakery. I was young and more agile then and when it came time to do tasks like taking the hundreds of baked loaves out of the steam oven I would go at it with speed and gusto. I would often work with an older woman who had worked there for several decades, and walked with a limp because of a car accident she had had many years before. She seemed to look up to me because I was so efficient and productive and she would do her best to keep up. She seemed to want to be seen as being as equally productive, and would try hard to earn that kind of respect. One day, she slipped and fell while we were working busily, and immediately started crying. We stopped for a minute, while she checked to see if she was hurt and to regain her composure.

As I look back on that experience, I realize that we are all going to have moments like that. At some point, we will fall and realize that we are not as powerful as we once were. We may even cry at the realization. We will be humbled. When we are humbled, we don't have to see it as something bad. We don't have to jump to conclusions about our self. The problem is that we almost always jump to conclusions about ourselves, especially when something humbling happens. Someone who is crippled by a car accident may automatically assume that no one will really respect them again. Why would anyone want to jump to that kind of conclusion about themselves? Why not just learn to be comfortable with not knowing who you are for a while? Why not say: 'I know I can't walk, but beyond that, I can not really know what is in store for me, and I can't know how others will see me. I don't even know how I will see me. How can I know?' Some will like you, others won't. Some will respect you, others won't. How is that different than the way it is now? By resting in not knowing, you may find that a whole new world has opened up. A world that was there all along, but only required a slight shift in perspective to see. I hope you remember to try this when the next storm appears and you find that the universe has given you the opportunity and the gift of being humbled.