The Fixed Self, and the Freedom of Humility

When we grow up, we are uncertain who we are, and so we try on different hats. Maybe we tried a fireman's hat, or a cowboys hat or a nurses hat, or any number of other simple identities. We felt compelled to explore who we might be. We felt compelled to figure out our place in the world and "who" we should be. We felt the need to figure out our place in the world and our purpose. There was a fundamental uncertainty about our identity, and that uncertainty made us uncomfortable.

Later the hats we tried on were more intangible then our possible future professions. We began to seek out knowledge about who we were internally. We might have come to conclusions such as "I am a popular person." or "I am the fastest runner", or "nobody likes me" which is the same as saying, "I am unlikable." All these beliefs either grew into identities or were discarded depending on the evidence which accumulated. If we got beat in a race, we could no longer believe we were the fastest runner.If we thought we were smart and then flunked math we might have to discard that belief and conclude we were not smart. How painful it was to get evidence which invalidated our belief about who we thought we were.

Later we began to draw even more subtle conclusions about who we were; like: "I am smart in spelling but not in math.", or "I am a fast runner, but not the fastest." If you've ever raised kids, you may recall there is a time when they become fascinated with progressions of words like fast, faster, fastest, smart, smarter, smartest.  This is an important part of human development. I think its related to our drive to nail down who we think we are. This process is the development of ego.   Its a process that's probably still going on to this day. Its not a bad process, its a necessary one, but it is one that, in the end will create a lot of suffering. Its a process which doesn't end, until we realize on a very fundamental level that we are not a fixed entity.

This process of searching for who we are, slowly subsides as our beliefs about who we think we are become more deeply believed. When we deeply believe we know who we are, the tendency to accept new evidence which contradicts our belief diminishes.  If we firmly believe we are unlikable, then we tend to disregard our experiences where people are nice to us as either an anomaly, or we attribute their behavior as a fault in them. "If they really knew me, they wouldn't like me."

Hidden in every negative self belief, is the hope for the positive counterpart.  Hidden in every positive self belief is the fear of its counterpart being true. "What if I am really a geek after all?"  This is why we tend to avoid those who criticize us, or we discredit their opinions by judging them harshly. "They are such assholes for judging me like that!"   We have a strong tendency to protect our self image by a variety of techniques such as judgments, avoidance.  Ignoring people, evidence and circumstances which contradict our fixed sense of self is a habit that becomes second nature.  One huge tendency is to deny and ignore.

The word "fixed" seems to be the crux of it. To "know" anything with the mind, we need to find a pattern. (There is another kind of knowing, but the one referred to here is knowing with the mind.) Once the pattern is "known" it becomes solid like water which finds its way to the cup of an ice cube tray and solidifies in the freezer of our mind. All or at least most of our reality consists of solid patterns which we believe in completely. "That's the way it is."  Our belief about who we are becomes just as solid as the ice cube in the tray.

The problem with this way of seeing the world and ourselves is that the evidence says things are not solid and fixed.  Whenever we are so sure we know who we "really" are,  we are usually in for a big shock. Life has a way of disproving our assumptions in the most painful ways. The valedictorian who flunks out of college, the successful businessperson who loses their wealth in a stock crash. The "loser" who finds the love of their life.

Why is it so upsetting when our beliefs are challenged and overturned?  When we have a positive belief about ourselves which is upset by the evidence of life, there is a short gap where we don't know who we are. This uncomfortable space is usually filled quickly.  What fills that gap is often the hidden belief which had been hoped for or had been dreaded.   Either way, it can be very uncomfortable if not downright terrifying. The person who doesn't believe that anyone would acknowledge their talents is usually very awkward and fidgety when they have to step up the podium to accept the big award.  The valedictorian who flunks out of college may become depressed when they label themselves as a "failure".

As people enter middle age, they can become more flexible in how they see themselves. (not all do unfortunately)  They can begin to realize that, who they really are has little to do with what they have or what they have accomplished.  People who realize this find out that this kind of "knowing" is an illusion, and is the source of great drama and eventual disillusionment.  People who stop playing the game of needing an identity or continually try to prove themselves to the world, seem somehow more peaceful.  They no longer need to be "right" all the time. They no longer have to pursue activities which keep them in the office late at night every night. They can relax on their front porch and enjoy the birds at the feeder.  They are much more at peace with themselves. This is not because they finally found out "who" they really are, its because they finally realized just how ridiculous the whole process has been. They realize that they can never really "know" themselves anyway.  They finally give in to the fact that they are fundamentally fluid.  They realize that they have the potential to do positive and negative things. They realize that there is the potential for success and failure, to be loved and hated, to be smart and stupid. They also realize that none of those outer pieces of evidence can cause them to be permanently solidified into a definable "thing."  When a person realizes that they are really water, and not an ice cube then the effort required to maintain the deep freeze can end. Its liberating when a person realizes that all that effort is not needed. All the emotional and physical energy spent over the years trying, at first, to find, and then later to defend the solid belief about the self is seen through.

When a person realizes that they really didn't need to "be" anybody, they are free. This is both exhilarating and humbling. To find true humility is not a denigrating experience, it is a liberating one.

Loving Kindness

What would you do if you heard a whimpering puppy in a dumpster?

I'll bet you would pull it out and take it home and give it a warm bath and some tasty food and call all your friends and write about it on facebook, and hold it in your lap and swoon. :-)  When it pooped on your rug you would probably clean it up forgivingly, and smile.  

Why?    Why would you do that?  From a selfish point of view, it makes no sense.  Luckily... most of us aren't completely consumed by the selfish point of view.  Luckily our compassion shines though and we can see the beauty in others. Others are really really beautiful you know.  Its so powerful if you ever see it fully. Its more than just knee shaking.  We usually won't allow ourselves to see that though.  We judge and label, and ignore.  Its all habits that we adopt to protect ourselves. It doesn't mean we are "bad."   I would even go so far as to say that there is no such thing as a "bad" person, just severely deluded ones.

Loving kindness is one of the "Four Immeasurables."  A teaching of the Buddha which I've found very helpful to contemplate.  These are: Compassion, Sympathetic Joy, Equanimity, and Loving Kindness.  The four immeasurables are all aspects of what is called "Bodhichitta".  Its a term that refers to what we see when we are totally open hearted.  It really points to what we might call "connection", however the word "connection" connotates separation and full bodhichitta is the realization that there is no separation.  This is the source of our compassion, our love, our being.  It is more who we are than we could even imagine.  When you see the light that is our core, you will know what true beauty is.  I saw it once briefly, and it is truely dazzling and beyond words.

One thing that I always found interesting about loving kindness is how its different than the other three immeasurables in that its not passive.  It refers to an action.  Wiping the nose of our 6 year old as they come in for a bowl of hot soup we made just for them.  This is loving kindness.  Its a deep caring that at least temporarily helps us to forget ourselves.  Equanimity, or seeing others as equals, is kind of passive.  At least it seemed to be originally.  It seemed more like a frame of mind than loving kindness. The same is true of Compassion, which is feeling the pain of others,  and sympathetic joy, which is feeling the joy of others.  It seemed strange to me somehow that loving kindness was an action and the other three were states of mind.  But now I realize that all are states of mind and actions too.  It really can't be any other way because they really are aspects of something much deeper, much more profound.  These "pointers" not only give us a clue as to what goes beyond this life, they also give us a clue as to who we really are.  The words "who" and "really" don't really fit, but I can't think of what words to use.  How can one feel great compassion for another without also seeing them as equals and feeling moved to help in some way?  How can you see someone as your equal and not feel joy when they win the big game?  Its like you are a fellow team mate and their win is your win.

What state of mind is loving kindness?  Are the actions separate from the care which caused the actions?  How could they be?  There are many ways our mind of separateness can hijack the state/process of loving kindness. Doing a kind act out of pity is a classic example of how our egos maintain our separateness.  Feeling resentful that we didn't get recognized for our kind act, is another way our ego can jump in and "save the day" and help us survive our almost certain dissolution. If we don't get anything out of our act of compassion, then was it really a waste of time?  I think our egos work hard to keep us separate because we are afraid of death and dissolution.  But, is it dissolution or is disillusion that we so automatically fear?  Will we really dissolve into nothing if we open our hearts completely?  No... Our Buddha nature or basic goodness can not be destroyed, only the illusion of self.  How could breaking down the wall around our hearts be such a bad thing to do when it can be so healing, not only for others but for ourselves too.

Forgiveness is really an act of loving kindness. Maybe one of the most important kinds.  Forgiving yourself and having loving kindness toward yourself can be one of the most important healing processes possible.  When you are at peace with yourself you are closer to others. This is why true compassion for the self is not really that different than true compassion for others.  The mind that says: "I should be more compassionate towards others."  isn't really being compassionate towards itself.  It seems like a good thing to do.  Driving ourself toward being something "better" and "higher" and all that, but it can be just another way our ego is keeping us separate. .Breaking the illusion of separateness is the process of finding peace in oneself because it requires that you forgive yourself and accept yourself and hold your tender heart in the arms of loving kindness. It isn't really "your" loving kindness. It isn't really "your" love at all. Its the love that we all are at our core and it is not separate. Being arrogant is not having loving kindness towards yourself, its a process of reinforcing your inner belief that you aren't good enough as you are.  Its easy to confuse arrogance with loving kindness towards yourself.  Thats why forgiveness is important to have. I suppose it is possible to be arrogant in your forgiveness of yourself, but it would be pretty silly.  So if you find that you are being arrogant, then forgive yourself for that and know its not really important to be perfect. Its more important to be at peace with yourself.

You can't have much loving kindness towards others until you first have it for yourself.  Some of the most powerful transformations I've had, have been bringing that love in to my own heart and realizing on a very visceral level that I'm OK after all. This is the process of letting go of beliefs about the self, and seeing the self from a broader perspective.   Did you ever notice how the people who are the most helpful seem to be the most quiet, or the most at peace?  Its remarkable when you see it.  

So, if you want to see more love in your life, then learn to recognize the many ways in which you keep yourself separate from others.  Beating yourself up in your quest to be someone you're not, is one way we keep ourselves separate.  Protecting our notion of who we are is another way.  This is why we can have loving kindness for a dog or cat when it is much harder for a stranger, because dogs and cats can't make judgments on us.  Falling in love with a sexual partner is a way we can have an open heart toward them as long as they don't break the unspoken "contract" and start judging us harshly.  Nothing ruins a relationship faster than judging your partner harshly or being judged by them.

Warding off fear is another way we close our hearts towards others. An example of this is denigrating victims, such as when we say "they deserved to break their leg because they should have been wearing their seat belt." The unspoken corollary is that won't happen to us because we wear our seat belts.

So many ways the ego separates.  Its very creative and works constantly to separate us.  Thats what it evolved to do. The ego is not the enemy by the way. We would have little chance of freedom without it.  The whole deal is to see it for what it is, and through seeing the emptiness of the belief of self, you will come to know the real you.  The you which has been there all along.

A favorite spiritual quote came from a teacher named Thadeous Golus.  He said: "Love your self no matter what. Even if you hate what you just said or did, love yourself for hating it."  I think what he was saying was, hold your heart in the arms of loving kindness. The same way you would a child who is crying in the pain of failure.  A failure which seems so huge to them but which you know is really not that important.  The broad perspective of emptiness can be the root of the loving heart of forgiveness.  Is this what the Buddha meant when he taught of the joining of wisdom and compassion?  I think it is.  This is where healing happens both for you and for the world.