I find that
all the struggle that comes from wanting my experience to be
"Optimum" makes my experience anything but.
On many meditation retreats and Ninthuns Ive done there always comes a point where the pain and anxiety of boredom flares up. After the first few hours of
meditation the boredom begins to intensify. Its so painful at some point
that my body often knows what has to be done. To give in. Somehow, the suffering
that comes from the boredom is something that has to become acute before my
being just kind of gives in, and gives up. Once I give up trying to make the
situation better, or more interesting, then something interesting happens. The
anxiety disappears. It's the same situation, but instead of being intolerable, it can be actually quite blissful.
Giving up the notion that I have any control over the situation seems to be the main dish to eat. I really don't and didn't have much control anyway. I chose to do those retreats, and I am really glad I did. There
were times when I felt like jumping up and screaming and running out of the
shrine room, but I didn't. Somehow I knew that wasn't going to free me from
boredom. Liberation only came when I completely gave into the situation.
Have you ever
been at a checkout line that stretched on and on. You're standing there with
your cart of food, waiting to pay, and as the minutes tick by, you become more
and more agitated? Then, all of a sudden you just let out a big breath. A deep
sigh just spontaneously happens, and although you feel sad that the effort to
change your situation failed, you are somehow more at peace. Have you ever
experienced that? Its really the same thing I think. Its a giving in.
Each and
every situation is unique. The next time you go to the doctors office, many
things will be the same, but the situation and experience will be different.
There is always something different, something alive, in every moment. Being
still and giving in, is the only way to notice the aliveness in every unique
moment. You can only do that if you accept that the universe has put you where
you are right now, for a reason. The karma of your past makes every moment of
your life unfurl like a wonderful musical composition. It may not be the tune
we thought "we" were making, but it is the tune which was written
just for us. This might be a helpful way to look at it.
I've found that
a helpful thing to do is to accept the idea that the present moment is the best
moment for me, even if I can't see that. It may seem like there is something
more important to do, but who can say whats most important?
Maybe what we
are experiencing right now, is what is being offered, and we can experience
that moment however we choose. We can be open to it as a unique moment, or we
can see it as somehow a "failed" moment. What makes more sense?
Accepting the present moment for what it is, giving in, and releasing the big
sigh, or thinking there is always something bigger and better and brighter
awaiting somewhere else?
Its like the
old zen saying: If you can't find peace where you stand, then where do you hope
to wander to find it?
