When we can connect with others, even for an instant, a little bit of magic happens. Feeling respected, and fully acknowledged by another is a wonderful feeling. A moment of mutual respect and care is an amazing thing to happen to two people. When that moment turns into weeks and months and years, that person is close to you and you are close to them.
This sounds so simple but the words just can't really capture the transformative magnitude of that connection. That kind of connection can not happen when one or both people do not feel equal to the other. Its very hard for rich people to become friends with poor people, because its extremely rare to have a rich person who doesn't identify with their wealth and its extremely rare to find a poor person who doesn't identify with their poverty. The poor person may feel inferior to the rich person who may feel they are superior to the poor person. Because there is no equanimity there can be no connection. So many beautiful friendships and so much love has been prevented from happening because people have a tendency to put themselves either higher or lower than the people they meet.
Many people look down when they are talking to authority figures because they don't feel worthy enough to be that authority's equal. If you met a famous movie star or the president of France, would you look them in the eye? The next time you get a chance to try it, notice how looking the person of authority in the eye, as your equal, makes you feel. Do you feel uncomfortable? Do you feel afraid? Do you feel uncertain of what to say? These feelings indicate that you have beliefs which prevent you from connecting as equals to many other people. Equanimity practice can help break down those habits and open the possibility of liberation from those beliefs.
I've noticed that the ego usually doesn't like to connect with others on an equal footing. It prefers to be "sure" that we are in "our place." What place is that? Well, thats a great question to ask. What place in the human network do you see yourself? Are you as important as the president of a country or a famous movie star? If not, then why? What criteria are you using to come to that conclusion?
You are unique in the universe. There is no other being just like you. Even if you have an identical twin, you are unique and so are they. So, if everyone is unique then how can we say that one human is worth more, or is better, or is worthy of other's love, and another is not? How can we think of ourselves as being unworthy of love and respect when we are as unique as a snowflake. (please note: I'm not calling anyone a "snowflake" by the way.)
Questioning the truth of your beliefs about yourself and your place in the world, is a very powerful practice. One thing to contemplate which helps counter these limiting self beliefs, is the notion that when we were infants, we were probably loved unconditionally by our parents despite keeping them up all night and despite pooping our pants several times a day. Our beauty as beings was there then, as it is always there now and we are just as "worthy" of unconditional love as we were when we were small. When you can connect with another person as their equal, you are much closer to realizing that they and you are worthy of that respect and equanimity at all times. Just by being you, you are worthy. You don't have to have a lot of accomplishments, or skills, or even a horde of adoring fans in order to be worthy of respect. We are worthy of other people's respect and more importantly, we are worthy of our own respect, just because we are a miracle.
We exist here now because of a whole lot of unlikely events spanning back billions of years. There is no other being exactly like us. We are a miracle. We all are. Once you see the fact that everyone is a miracle, its hard to unsee. To say that one unique, one of a kind being, is worthy of love and another is not, is ludicrous. How can that be true?
If we think that we are better or smarter or taller or stronger or any other word that ends in "er" then we are fooling ourselves. One squirrel may collect more nuts than another, but that doesn't mean that both those squirrels are not equally unique and beautiful. Assessing our "self worth" in terms of how much wealth or power we have is just as ridiculous as saying that the squirrel who collects the most nuts is the only squirrel who deserves our respect. All the squirrels are individuals worthy of the same respect as any other. We are all worthy of the respect of others simply because we are alive. Realizing this, is the key to living in connection to life and it is the key to living in peace with yourself.
Realizing that we and others are worthy of love and respect simply because we are alive, is a very big shift. Our ego's do not want this to happen. This is why questioning our beliefs about ourself and our judgements of others, is a practice that can take years to master. When you do, you won't be imprisoned by those negative beliefs you have about yourself and others anymore because you won't believe those beliefs.
You will know how much equanimity has become your habit, when you can talk to children with the same respect as you would an adult. Children want respect in just the same way adults do. Maybe we look down on children because we assume they are not as knowledgable about the world as an adult, or are smaller, or maybe because we find that they are usually less articulate than an adult. There is no doubt that there are many differences between a child and an adult. Are these differences justification for the superior/inferior dynamic we assume exists when it comes to interacting with young people? Didn't you want to be respected when you were a child? I know I sure did. By giving the same respect you wanted when you were a child, to a child today, you can heal a little yourself. That is a positive change for them and you.
Many times when I tried to get someone else to connect as equals, they could not because they appeared to have made a judgement about me. A judgement is a belief without much evidence which seeks to encapsulate our entire being into a simple word or sentence. Like, "I don't like you because you are a man." Or... "Weirdo!" It all seems so funny when I write this, but so many times in the past it was extremely painful to experience another person's rejection. I can't help but laugh at the absurd notion that one person could understand another with a single word. Why would we ever even consider such a judgement a "truth" about us? We only could do that if we already believed those things about ourselves but maybe we had hidden it from ourselves long enough that we forgot we believed it.
If other people judge us harshly do we have to accept their conclusions? Do we have to get upset with them? If we knew in our heart of hearts that we were worthy of love no matter what others think of us, then their judgements of us wouldn't be important at all. Our feelings of insecurity are based in a deep seated belief that we are not good enough or that we are not worthy of other's respect and love. We hope and long for respect and love because on one level, we don't want to be unworthy; yet we fear we are. We want to be loved like our parents loved us. We want to be accepted for who we are, not for being perfect, (which is never possible anyway. ) We want to feel at peace with ourselves. This is only possible when we forgive ourselves for not being perfect and we accept the fact that we don't need to be.
By just being alive we are worthy of all the love in the universe. We are a unique miracle and it will help us immensely when we can realize this deeply. Eleanor Roosevlet once said: "No one can make you feel bad about yourself without your consent." This has aways rung true to me on a very deep level, yet, my habit was to assume that what others said or thought about me was a truth better than a truth I could know for myself. This wisdom of Eleanors can be taken even farther. No one can make you feel bad about yourself if you don't really believe what they are saying is true. If you realized just how much of a miracle you were, you could not believe that their judgements against you could be true in an absolute sense. Maybe in a relative sense its true or partially true, but the relative is totally changeable, and so it can't really be true about the you you know is true. It can't be true in an absolute way. The relative truth will never change the fact that you are an unique individual with a heart and mind like no other. You are unique, and a miracle. This is an indisputable fact of life. When you know this in your heart, you will have true peace.
The practice of equanimity is very simple and can be done almost anytime you are interacting with others. The next time you have an opportunity and you feel brave enough to try this: first look at the person with appreciation of their uniqueness. Notice when you are judging them and if so, ask yourself how you can really know anything about them other than the clear fact that they are, in an absolute sense, a miracle. Look them in the eyes when you interact and try to assume they are already your friend. If you are lucky, they will be, even if only for a minute. It feels pretty good to connect with someone else and it also reinforces the belief that you are worthy of other people's respect and friendship. When you have a moment of equanimity with a stranger, it brightens your day and puts a smile on your face. It brightens their day too, so its a win win. The great thing about equanimity practice is that it is a self rewarding practice. Because the reward is built right in, it can become habit without too much effort.
When your equanimity practice becomes a habit, then your whole outlook on life will likely have changed. Your own self imposed limitations and stumbling blocks will not have a grip on you because you will know in your heart of hearts that you ARE worthy of the love and respect of anyone and everyone, and most importantly yourself. When you learn to respect and possibly love others you will learn how to respect and possibly love yourself.
When you fully accept yourself for the miracle that they are, you will be able to accept and respect yourself. Your capacity to accept and respect others will increase and their capacity to accept and respect you will increase. When you can learn to be at peace with yourself, you can learn to be at peace with others, and they will feel more at peace with you. When you can learn to truely love yourself with out false aggrandizement, then you can love others as equals.
