Friday, August 27, 2010

The onion and the pain

I was talking with my good friend Nick, and the topic of inner pain came up.  We all seem to have inner pain.  Sometimes it only comes up when its triggered.  When someone calls you a stupid, you may get really really angry at them, but if someone called you a jerk, it would hurt a little, but you're emotions wouldn't turn into an instant tsunami of pain.  Often we get angry at the person who triggered our inner pain. Anger seems to be a common  self protection mechanism.

Why is this?  Why is it that the term stupid may get our gile up and other insults do not? You can fill in the blank. You know what triggers your pain.  I think our pain is triggered because it brings up memories of trauma from our past.  I think our personalities are  layered like an onion.  When we all start in life, we are like perfect little pearl onions.  As we grow, we add new layers to our onion, and we grow in sophistication. If at some point in our life we experience trauma like someone telling us how stupid we are because we flubbed up in kindergarten while reciting the ABCs.  This trauma is becomes a bruise to our young, tender onion layers.  When we are young, we usually don't have the broad perspective and emotional tools to deal with the pain of early trauma, so the bruise, (or tear) in our onion skin just gets covered over as we grow.  As we become adults we appear to have strong round outer onion skins but that inner bruise or damage is still there.  When someone pokes us in the right spot, we feel the pain again, and we react.  The reactions often make the pain worse, and create more pain.    Reactions like anger, or depression, or maybe even feeling sorry for ourselves are typical ways that our brain tries to deal with the pain. Often we blame the pain on outer circumstances. "I feel bad because they called me stupid!"

Again and again throughout our lives we feel the pain of that inner bruise, or that past trauma.  Suppressing the pain may be a way that we use to avoid feeling it.  Instead of dealing with the pain of the inner bruises, we often get really good at ignoring that pain.  We think that it is a sign of inner strength to not be outwardly affected by the inner pain.  We don't want to appear weak to others who respect us, so we stuff the pain down deep and pretend its not there.  We keep a "stiff upper lip" as the British say.  I think the notion that suppressing pain, as an effective way of dealing with it, is wrong.  Not that its morally wrong, or ethically wrong, but that it just doesn't work.

Many studies have been done, and the results show conclusively that suppressing and ignoring our inner pain, actually makes it grow.  Often, the pain is transformed into outer destructive action like harming oneself or harming others.  I think people who cut themselves are probably trying to suppress deep inner pain.  Another way of suppressing the pain is to self medicate.  People who are addicted to drugs and alcohol are often medicating themselves so they don't have to feel the pain.  I once met a man who had been sexually abused as a young child by a sibling, and felt a constant pain.  He wasn't even aware of that pain, until one evening when he took mdma (ecstacy). He was then temporarily free of the pain, and realized just how much pain he had been feeling all his life. He also realized that the pain was caused by the early childhood experience of being sexually abused. He actually remembered what had happened to him.  For years afterward, he self medicated and eventually found a prescription drug which alleviated that pain. I think it was Zanax, but I can't remember for sure.  He called this "a drug from god" because it took away his pain. Over time that drugs effectiveness grew weaker and weaker as all drugs seem to do. The side effects became harder and harder to deal with too.  Eventually he decided to stop taking all the drugs, and accept the pain. He slowly weaned himself off of these drugs.  He was in the midst of this pain when he revealed his story to us.  

If suppression doesn't work, and anger doesn't work, and drugs don't work, then what works?  Well, what I have found to really work in healing our inner pain, is completely opposite of what most of us do. It was the opposite of what I did for most of my life. What really seems to work is actually confronting the pain.  Not as in "I'm going to show you, you pain!" but more along the lines of accepting that the pain is what you are feeling at the moment it comes up, and just melting into it. Feel it as completely as possible.  Use the awareness of your body to feel what that inner pain is doing to you physically. Where is the pain located in your body, how do your muscles feel, how do your feet and legs feel, how does your abdomen feel?   Feel it as completely as possible without buying all the thoughts and stories that may pop into your head because of the pain.  Just stay with the pain, and if you can, forget that it is pain. Just try to see it as a total body sensation which you have never taken the time to really get to know.   Out of that curiosity,  be there to witness what is going on in your body right after your inner pain has risen to the surface. Don't blame the person who happened to say just the right thing which triggered you. Your pain is not because of them.  Just stand in courage like a warrior who is willing face the inner demons.  When you notice that you've been trying to convince yourself of some story line about the pain, or when you notice that you are getting angry at someone, just become more interested in the actual sensation that is coursing through your body.  Feel it fully as if it were the first time you ever felt anything like it.  Notice what happens when you stand tall and feel the pain. If you start to have tears come up, don't label yourself as weak. It is the opposite of weakness to feel your pain fully. Tears are a actually your way of healing the inner layers. Tears are actually a sign of your courage.  You have the heart of a true warrior, when you can feel the pain fully.

The most amazing thing happens when you do this practice.  As you become more and more adept at it, you begin to realize that the painful feelings need the stories and angry judgments to keep going. As you feel the feelings fully without judgments, without trying to "fix" or rid yourself of those feelings, then you realize that you really can feel those feelings. You also realize that the feelings aren't evidence that your entire life has failed, or that you are the victim of life's injustices.  You realize that the feelings are just feelings.  They may be hard to feel, but they are just feelings.  You really aren't in the immanent danger that you have always assumed you were when those feelings have come up in the past. Each time you feel those feelings fully, without believing the stories, you begin to notice that the feelings dissolve. They fade away.  If its very difficult to feel those feelings, then try taking deep long breaths while you are feeling them.  If you can only stay with those feelings a few seconds before being swept away by the beliefs that arise because of those feelings, then don't feel like a failure, and don't give it up.  The next time your pain arises, try again.

Over time, you will become more and more adept at the practice, and each time you stay with the strong feelings that arise, they will become weaker and weaker.  In time you will live in greater and greater peace and your pain will arise with less frequency. You may actually see the activation of your inner pain as a blessing.  Just as during world war II when the British air force was shooting down German planes faster than the Germans could make them, and they saw it as good fortune when an enemy plane came on a mission, you will see the arising of your inner pain as a blessing.  It will be an opportunity to work on that pain.  

One day, you will realize that you are no longer upset when someone pokes you in that same spot. You won't be upset when someone calls you stupid, or whatever it is that has triggered you.  Your inner bruises will be healed, and you will see that you are not a "loser" or a victim, or a failure.  Those stories were just as false as a rope being mistaken for a snake.  You might think a coiled rope is a snake because the room is dark, but when you turn the light on, you will see its harmless.  The same is true with your inner pain. When you shine the light of your own awareness on it, you will see that it has nothing to do with who you are.  You will realize that you can work through whatever comes up, and life will take on a whole new tone.  You will be able to finally rest in confidence and peace.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Inner Beliefs

Inner Beliefs

What is a belief? Think about it for a minute. Beliefs seem to be our attempts at understanding the world and ourselves. We are constantly trying to get a “handle” on our experiences; to put them into perspective. Its interesting how beliefs have so much power in this world. Its almost like beliefs are the glue that holds reality together.

Often our beliefs create our reality. If we believe that everyone hates us, then they probably will. If we believe we a are a good person, then thats what we'll be. If someone else believes we are a “jerk” then we may find that when we are around them, we behave like a jerk.

Beliefs are very powerful. They temporarily lock the ever flowing stream of life into a fixed state. The most important word in the previous sentence is 'temporarily'.

We cling to our beliefs very strongly sometimes. We feel great pain when our experience is not in line with our beliefs. When a person believes they are a “good” person and they find that they are yelling at their kids in anger, they worry that they might not really be “good”.

We get upset when someone doesn't behave the way we think they should. When we hear that our favorite politician has taken bribes from a big corporation, we get angry. We feel betrayed. Is our anger really rooted in their shortcomings, or is it rooted in the fear that our belief about them turned out to be inaccurate?

We rarely question our beliefs, especially the inner ones. Its much easier to think we “know” than the stand in the place of uncertainty. Think of how it feels when we are in the presence of an unpredictable person. Being around someone who is “crazy” is very unsettling. Being the new person at a party can be a little scary.

Beliefs are very useful. The belief that other drivers will drive on their side of the road is useful because it allows us to relax a little while we are driving. Would it be possible to navigate the world if we had no beliefs?

We rarely question our beliefs. How often do we ask, “Can I really know who that person is?” How often do we ask: “Can I really know who I am?” Scientists are trained to question their beliefs and the ones who discover the most are usually the ones who can suspend their beliefs. Scientists who think they 'know' how a phenomenon occurs, often inadvertently exclude or misinterpret evidence that is contrary to their beliefs. Their cup is full, and they leave no room for anything new to come in. The best scientists are the ones who can leave their cups empty. They are often energized by the process of discovery in the same way a child is energized by their curiosity. Curiosity is having an empty cup. The power of science is rooted in the suspension of belief that we 'know” how the world works.

As individuals, we hold onto many beliefs. Some we came to on our own, and others were handed down from family community and society. We are aware of some of these beliefs but the vast majority are hidden from our view. The ones which are hidden are often assumed to be true. We are attached to the 'truth' of these beliefs and work to keep them true.

These hidden beliefs are often the fuel that keeps our behavioral patterns running. For instance, when I was addicted to cigarettes I had a deep seated belief that smoking made me more free, just as it seemed to be an expression of the confidence and freedom that Humphrey Bogart had when he smoked in the many movies he made. Until I realized that this inner belief wasn't true, I habitually smoked. All the efforts of the people who warned me that smoking was bad for my health had no effect. I seemed to want to smoke more when they told me what I should be doing differently. Even when I tried to quit, I would have endless cravings and excuses and would inevitably start smoking again. Finally while meditating one day, I realized that smoking made me less free. This was more than a simple intellectual understanding. It was a deep understanding. It started out as an intellectual understanding and then over time, as I thought about it more and more, it sank in. Finally there was a kind of “ah-ha” moment, and I just knew. Once I realized down deep that smoking was not making me more free, it was very easy to quit. There were withdrawal symptoms, but those passed as quickly as a flu. Seven years have passed and during that time, I have only had two brief cravings for cigarettes.

Another example of a hidden belief that was the source of a behavioral pattern, was the belief that people would not like or respect me as I was. This inner belief caused great pain and suffering for me. Over the years, I developed many strategies to compensate of 'fix' the problem. I believed that I needed to fool people into respecting me, or I needed to earn their respect because they wouldn't otherwise. I became somewhat of a control freak and spent most of my mental energy doing what I call “scripting.” Scripting is the process of thinking of the best thing to say, or thinking of what would have been the best thing to say. The end result was that I was not a genuine person to most people. Especially those people in a position of power like teachers or beautiful women.

Ironically, my efforts to fix the problem actually made things worse. Often people didn't like or respect me. Perhaps this was because of that inner belief that I held. People often do what we expect from them, and if we expect them to not like us, they probably wont. Perhaps it was because I wasn't being genuine with them. Whatever the reason, I found myself trying harder to get their respect. I became an expert at many things and would often preach to people without even listening to them. I would often become arrogant and resentful. I felt like no one would listen to me. It was a cycle of suffering that was based on a deep inner belief that I was no good, that I was unlovable, and not worthy of respect. At the times I did actually get accolades for some work I had done, it would feel really uncomfortable for me. Probably because the event was inconsistent with the inner belief. I often became shy and longed to be alone where I could finally rest.

Luckily, the practice of meditating and watching my thoughts as well as contemplation and analysis of those thoughts helped me to bring that deep seated belief to the surface. At first I only understood it in an intellectual way, that this belief was the fuel for my patterns. I would still become shy if someone sent me a negative glance. But instead of simply doing the same old thing and climb into my shell, I began to stand up straight and feel the feelings in my body fully. I was genuinely curious what was happening. Over time, I began to realize deeply that the yucky intense feelings that arose when I went into shy mode, were not a signpost or indication that I was basically no good. Intellectually I knew that I was basically good, but my body didn't quite know it.

Every time I stood up straight and faced my fears, confidence grew. The inner belief began to break down and fall apart. How liberating it was to stand up straight and look someone in the eye when they were mad at me, or when they had apparently judged me harshly. How wonderful it is to know more and more that I am basically good. With this knowing, the scripting, and shyness and arrogance has all but disappeared. The confidence that I am basically good is a source of great peace in my heart, because there is nothing to fix anymore. I have learned to really listen to others and my care for them has grown immensely. How liberating it is to be a genuine person who doesn't need others favorable opinions to be at peace. Perhaps this knowing that I am basically good is just another inner belief, but at least its a positive believe instead of a negative one.

All this was possible because the inner belief was looked at and worked with. Meditation and contemplation can be the tools which help us to cut the root of our pain producing patterns, or in Buddhist terms, our neurotic patterns that keep us locked in samsara, (the cycle of suffering). I'm not sure if this is the process of cutting the root of samsara, or burning the seeds of karma, but I suspect it might be.

The Tibetan wheel of life is a pictorial representation of samsara. In the wheel of life, there are six pie shaped “realms” where beings can reside. These six realms are symbolic places which represent mindsets that people often live in, either briefly, or for their whole lives. The Six realms are The Human realm, the God realm, the Jealous god realm, the hungry ghost realm, the hell realm, and the animal realm. When people are locked into a particular mindset they have a particular view of the world. Their behavior stems from that view of belief. For instance, in the hell realm, people seem to believe that everyone hates them. They see the world as a dangerous place, and are constantly vigilant to defend themselves against attack. Because they have this inner belief that everyone hates them, many many people do. This is how they are creating their own suffering.

The Hungry ghost realm seems to be one marked by the inner belief that there is no way to be happy anymore. A person who loses a love might think that they can never be happy again and they hunger for the days when they were happy with their loved one.

The Jealous god realm seems to be marked by the notion that there are winners and there are losers in the world, and its all important to be a winner. So people who are fighting each other in wall street, or those trying desperately to climb the corporate ladder, are driven by the belief that they need to be a winner, or they need to be an accomplished person. This belief usually cuts them off from others and people in this mode of thought often have a difficult time finding love in their own heart. Eventually their victories are seen as hollow, and they are faced with the realization that they have wasted their time.

The God realm is one marked by bliss and contentment. Deep down they really believe that they are somehow blessed and deserve the happiness. This narcissism eventually brings them down as things fall apart. Everything eventually falls apart.

The human realm is one marked by dissatisfaction and a quest for the right experience which will bring happiness. People in the human realm are often driven to pick the best apple from the tree. The inner belief here seems to be that happiness comes from outside ourselves.

The Animal realm is marked by ignorance. Not the kind of ignorance that means lack of knowledge, but the kind which drives a person to not look because of the fear that things will change. People locked in the animal realm seem to be driven by the belief that survival is everything. They ignore so much, because they need their world to stay safe and predictable. Change is feared just as death is feared.

Well all spend time in the different realms, sometimes flipping from one to another in a matter of minutes. All these patterns of behavior seem to be rooted in inner beliefs that are hidden from us. We ignore them. These beliefs are the ground of our existence at times, and looking at them deeply, and working with them is scary.

If you are tormented by your own patterns, I recommend that you look for patterns in your own thoughts. When you find a pattern, sit with that knowledge and see if any ideas pop up which could explain why you have those thoughts. Test your hypothesis if you can. See if you can crystallize your understanding of the patterns and come to an understanding of the inner belief behind them.

Be gentle with yourself in the same way you would be with a best friend. You don't need to be perfect any more than your best friend needs to be, or anyone else for that matter. Be curious about yourself. Curiosity may have killed the cat, but it wont kill you. Curiosity is different from trying to fix a problem. Being curious comes from a place of not knowing whats going on. Be patient with yourself. Samsaric patterns took a long time to grow in you, and will take a while to fully see through.

It has been said that all beliefs are ultimately empty of real meaning, but this is not knowable in your heart until you look closely at your inner beliefs one at a time.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Knowing who we are

We care so much about what people think of us.  We all do, .... well mostly.  We seem to rely on others opinions of us, and I think this is because we are fundamentally unsure about who we are.  We may think we know who we are, but deep down, there are most likely doubts.  Even doubts that have not made themselves known yet.  We look to others to let us know we are good, and lovable, and basically OK.  We are always slightly afraid that we might not be, because we all know we have the potential to do horrible things, so when someone else loves you, its kind of a relief.  Deep down we probably say, “Phew!  I guess maybe I am lovable after all.”  

We don't know if we are or not.  Its a kind of doubt.  Its an uncertainty of who we really are.   Many people ask that question all their lives.  They try out different occupations, accumulate things, and are proud of those things.  We are constantly searching for the thing, or person which will complete us. We define, or attempt to define, ourselves throughout almost our whole lives.   Even on our death bed we look back at our lives to prove to ourselves that we were a good person.     

When people think good thoughts about us, and seem to accept us for who we are, we are much more likely to accept them for who they are.   Friendships are usually possible when two people trust each other. The more they trust each other, the deeper the friendship can be.    People we don't understand, we generally don't trust, and so we often have a hard time becoming friends with people who are very different from ourselves.  People who are similar to us, are easy to be around, and more easily trusted, and so are allowed to become our friends.  We allow them inside our hearts more easily.  

The people who's opinions we don't care about are usually people we have cognitively put below us. We have judged them harshly.  Even if we do put them above us, we still have separated ourselves from them.  We have judged them as someone to be wary of in some way.  The people we have judged, are the people we put on the other side of the fence that surrounds our heart.   We only let some people inside that fence if we don't feel threatened by them, and trust them. The people we bring inside, are usually people we trust not to judge us.   Some people don't let hardly anyone inside.  They seem to have a closed door policy with just about everyone. These are usually very lonely people.  Some seem to let many others in.  Its like they have an open door policy, but with at least one house rule. No negative judgments are allowed.   

When someone on the inside,  does something mean to us, and lets us know they have made a negative judgment on us, then we really feel hurt.  It causes that underlying fear to arise. The fear that we might not be OK after all.  Maybe we really are a loser, or a jerk, or... you fill in the label.  There are a million labels we can give ourselves.  We feel bad about ourselves. Its literally painful to think that you are no good.  Real physical pain will arise from our chest.  The pain seems like tangible evidence that you are no good.  Much like the pain we feel when we touch a hot stove lets us know that there is danger, and we believe it.    So too, we believe that we are no good because we are feeling the pain of being judged harshly.   

Have you ever looked at that belief? Have you really looked at it deeply?  If you have, you have probably seen that the pain arises in response to the emotional pain you are experiencing in your head.  The emotional pain, becomes the physical pain.  So, if the pain is not from the outside, then why do we think that it really means anything?  Why do we use it as a confirmation that the belief about ourselves is true?  
Oddly enough, I've found that once you believe something like, “I'm no good, “  then the pain inside comes, you use that as evidence and believe more strongly that you are no good, and this adds to the pain. More pain, brings a more strongly held belief, which brings more pain. Its a cycle of escalating pain, both physically and mentally.  This is real suffering.  Suffering like this can leave a deep scar.  An emotional and psychological scar.  A memory of emotions which can become reactivated in a similar situation.  A trauma which we often hide, even from ourselves.  If we are emotionally scarred during our childhood, then we usually end up reliving that pain over and over again throughout our life.  Whenever the memories are triggered, we descend into this pain.  Sometimes we end up believing the negative belief about ourselves even more deeply, and our life becomes more and more dark. We become depressed, or we perhaps become a criminal, or we have a complete psychological breakdown, or we just go through life feeling really shy and sad and lonely.   This is what we do to ourselves when we believe the inner negative beliefs.   

This suffering doesn't have to happen. And if it happens it doesn't have to make a scar. It doesn't have to bring you further into doubt about who you are, and it doesn't have to drive you crazy.  There is a way to cut right through this propensity to inflict psychological harm on ourselves.   You don't need any special candles or incense. You don't even need to say any special incantations.    All you need to do, is question the belief.  “Do I know that this is so?”  How can this be true?  The only real evidence that this might be true, is the opinion of someone who was probably having a bad day.  And what if there is other evidence? What if you really did do something horrible?  Don't you also have the potential to do good things too?  How could you be bad and still have the potential to do good things?  Selfless things, like changing a dirty diaper in the middle of the night, or sitting with a friend who is feeling down.  There are so many things we have the potential to do. How can we use that as real evidence to support our negative belief about ourselves?  How can we know who we really are?  This unfortunately, can not be answered by words.  Its a knowing that each and every one of us has to find on our own.   Many never do come to know their true nature.  Others may think they know, but really don't.  They may define themselves in many ways using objects or accomplishments, or gender, or occupation, or their power over others. Even their misdeeds can be used to define who they are in a cognitive way.  But even when people think they know who they are in an intellectual way,  do they really know?    I believe that true knowing, can only happen in the heart.  

One way you can get a glimpse of your true inner nature, is to hold an infant, or a puppy.  How can a puppy be evil?  Even if he grows up to bite the hand that feeds him, how can the puppy be basically bad?  How can a baby be basically bad?  I doubt anyone could hold an infant and think that that baby is evil.  Perhaps this could happen, but it seems like it would be very rare.   

So what is the true nature of an infant. Who are they?  Are they nothing?  No, they are definitely not nothing.  Think about it. Try to remember how you felt when you held a puppy or an infant.  What do you remember?  What did it feel like deep down. Did you feel your heart stir with a light kind of joy?  Did you love that puppy unconditionally?  Did you see the glowing beauty of the infant?  A type of glowing that only your heart could sense?  

That is who you really are.  Underneath all the made up stuff about who we are, we are basically good.   When you know that, without a doubt, then you will be in a peace that reaches to the very bottom of your being.   You will realize that there is no need for life to get better. There is no need to defend yourself against psychological attacks, because what you are can not be changed, or ruined, or permanently stained in any way.   When you fully realize that there is no need to “be” anybody, then you will be free. Free from the suffering. The suffering which has pervaded our lives for a long long time. 

When you realize, intellectually that you can't be basically bad, then all you have to do when your painful memories are activated, is to remind yourself of that.  Ask yourself... How can this be true?  Deep inside, I am just like everyone else. I was a beautiful, infant at one time, and that inner core is still there.  Negative thoughts, or deeds, can not change that. They may temporarily cover that up, but underneath, the bright light of our life force is still shining.    

I believe we are like onions. We have layers.  When we are young, we are like a perfect little glowing pearl of an onion.  As we grow, we add more and more layers.  Sometimes a layer gets bruised or torn, and if we don't have the emotional tools, we just cover that broken layer up with a new layer.  These damaged layers are the source of our pain.    

Oddly enough, it is because of this pain that we are motivated to seek answers about who we are.  Its because of this pain, that we seek to find a way out of it. Most of the time, our solutions don't work.  For instance, one way of avoiding the pain of other's negative judgments, is to judge them first.  But when we do this, we often get hurt anyway, because they are more likely to judge us negatively, if we judged them first.  And although we may say that we don't care what they think, deep down we do.  Think about a time when you were hurt from someone who you just passed on the street, and gave you a dirty look for no apparent reason.  Intellectually we probably didn't care about them at all, and yet we still felt bad.  So, our solution of protecting ourselves by judging them harshly first, doesn't work. It actually causes us pain.  There are many more examples of neurotic patterns that are really dysfunctional. Our strategies just don't work. They don't really protect us from pain, and in fact often cause pain when none was coming.    Look at your own patterns and see if you can find any that  don't work.  I think that we learn these pain relieving and protective techniques when we are little children, so its no wonder that they often don't work, and often increase the pain in our lives.  

Once you've found a pattern, stop yourself, and ask... How can I know this is really true?  How can I know who that person is?  How can I really say that they are a jerk?  Are they always a jerk or just sometimes?  If they are not always a jerk, then what are they?  Can I really know?  Questioning your judgment and beliefs is very important. If you look into it with a patient, non-judgmental eye, (in other words, the eye of curiosity), then you will eventually learn, more and more thoroughly that just about everything is not really true.  They really aren't a total jerk. Maybe they have the potential to be a jerk, and maybe we don't want to be their friend, but they aren't really a real, total jerk.  We can't really know what they are.  Even if we live with someone for 40 years, you probably don't know who  they are completely.  You may think you do, but chances are they will surprise you someday.  This is because we aren't a fixed “thing” We are constantly changing, and any definition is temporary and incomplete.  

Once you realize that other people can't really be known, then no judgment you place on them will really be believable.  You have to believe your thoughts in order for them to be effective.  If you call your friend a jerk, and you don't believe it, then they will probably know that as well, and they won't believe it either. You'll both probably laugh and the judgment will have no effect. It will have no power in this world. 

Once you can see that your judgments and conclusions are empty of real meaning, then you begin to see as well that other's judgments of you are empty of any real meaning.   Once you see this thoroughly, then you realize that there is no need to defend yourself anymore.  You can stand in front of someone who is pointing their finger at you with a menacing sneer, and you will be unaffected, except maybe that you feel bad that they are believing their thoughts and judgments which is causing them pain.  

You begin to know more and more who you really are.  You get closer to the truth of the matter.  Your doubt shrinks. Along with the peace, comes the realization that you might as well bring everybody over to this side of the fence which has surrounded your heart for so long.   There is no reason not to.  

Interestingly, when you begin to accept more and more people into your heart, and you begin to give more and more people respect, then you begin to have many friends, and you are almost never lonely.   Fewer and fewer people treat you badly.  Fewer and fewer people judge you and want to hurt you.  You can become connected to others in a very deep way. You beging to see their inner beauty which is shining just as brightly as it did when they were a newborn.  Even if they act like a jerk, you still can't help but to see that light.  You know more and more thoroughly just how much you are really connected to everyone else.  

You realize that you are as connected to all life as the cells in your body are connected to you.  You begin to be careful of all living things. Their pain is your pain, their joy is your joy.  When they need something, you want to help, when you need something you are willing to let them help you.  You are connected to the life force energy of the universe, and you could never have imagined how wonderful that would be.

That is Nirvana. That is heaven.  To know that what you are is basic goodness and  that you are connected to all other life, and this is true freedom.  You will realize that the old you no longer exists. Or at least you no longer believe in it the way you did.  You will realize that your old self was empty of any real existence.  

Who you really are can not be separated from the rest of life, or even the rest of the world.   You will realize that life is a continuously flowing process like water in a water fall.  The waterfall can appear to be a solid wall of water, but if you look closely enough, it is just a process. There is a movement and a flow to it, but it is not really a solid thing.  You will realize that this is the true nature of life, and that death is as necessary as birth.  All dread and fear of death will subside.  You will realize that there is no real death.  Just change.  You will realize that death leads to birth just as birth leads to death. Nothing is lost. Its all spontaneously arising, and falling away, like waves on the ocean.  

There is no direction or outer meaning to it all except that through the process of continuous change, the universe has become aware of itself through the mind you used to think was yours.