A Few Tips for Virgins Who Don't Want to Be

OK... here's a few tips for virgins who don't want to be virgins for their whole life. If you are offended by references to sexuality then why are you reading this? 

1. If you are a male, go to Nevada. Prostitution is legal there. This takes the foot in mouth problem out of the equation and all you have to do is fork over the cash and put on a condom.  If you feel really bad about yourself and have a lot of anxiety around flirting, or courting, then maybe you should just go pay for sex once and have that experience and then you might not have to worry about it as much. Eventually, you will probably want to find someone who you can have a real relationship with, but if your anxiety around not ever having sex is making you all tongue tied and you can't feel at peace enough to even carry on a conversation with a woman, then you might want to get the sex thing out of the way by just paying for it.  Be safe and legal about it though. 

2. If you are a woman, then just try asking.  Believe it or not, if a guy is single, and is offered no strings attached sex, they will probably say yes, if you ask discretely. If they say no, then just know, that nobody in the world is attractive to everybody, besides, he might be gay, or she might not be. If you really want to have sex then just try asking. If you want intimacy, then that's something else entirely. Making love is an expression of the intimacy that has to be there in the first place if you want sex to be intimate. That means you have to get close to someone as a friend and eventually, maybe a lover. There are strings attached at that point, and it can be a problem to just ask, but if you think your friendship is strong enough to survive that jolt, then try it. It could expand a friendship into a relationship. They may feel the same and are hoping to have sex with you and are too afraid to ask, or don't know how to ask.  

3. The most important thing to remember and remind yourself of, is that your worth as a human being is measured in countless ways, and most of the time we are the only ones doing the measuring. Instead of saying to ourselves under our breath, "No one in the world will ever love Me." after a rejection, try saying, "Maybe they are still recovering from a difficult breakup?" There are countless reasons why one person rejects another as a sexual partner or encounter. Its really hard to know what is going on in other people's heads. So if we have to find an explanation, why not choose to believe in something which is not self destructive? Besides, why would we want to be with someone who can't see our inner beauty? You probably can't see everyone's inner beauty, but you can probably see some people's inner beauty, so why would it be any different for anyone else. There are people out there who can see your inner beauty. When you meet them, you will probably be able to tell right away.

4.  Its so easy to take rejection personally, but there really isn't much that's personal about it.  There are a million reasons why someone says no.  If you have ever heard of the Kinsey Reports you will know that everyone has their own level of sexual drive. If a person with almost no sexual drive isn't sexually attracted to us, then why should we be surprised? It doesn't mean that we aren't any good as a person, it just means that we didn't ask the right person. If the reason you are not getting out into the world is because you are afraid of being rejected, then your fear is creating your reality. If you did get out into the world and take chances, then sooner or later you would meet someone you have a spark with. You can't win if you don't play. Your fear of rejection is a much larger obstacle then what you look like, or how clever you are, or how tall you are, or how fit you are. There are many beautiful, clever people who never meet anyone because they are afraid of rejection. Face your fears and you will overcome them.

5. Sex is not a big deal. It sure seems like a big deal before you have ever had it, but its really not. Ask anyone who has been married for a few years. What is a big deal, is the relationship. Learn how to be good at relationships, and you will save yourself a lot of headaches and heartaches in the future when you finally do find yourself in a relationship. Learn from other's mistakes and successes; be observant and curious (but not too judgmental) about other's relationships.  

6. Learn to get into the habit of thinking positively about yourself. If you are looking for love to finally feel good about yourself, then good luck. How you feel about yourself comes from within and you will never be able to be OK with yourself forever by just relying on a lover's love.  I've known many who had loving lovers but still thought of themselves as "shit".  Our daily internal dialog is what sets the tone, and if you learn to observe your thoughts you may notice what you are habitually saying to yourself. Is your internal dialog self critical? A self critical internal dialog will eventually lead you to feeling really bad about yourself.  You can change that over time.  In fact, self confidence is the main thing that makes you attractive to others, not looks. Self confidence comes from believing in yourself as a basically good person, someone who is worthy of love.  Every day we come to negative conclusions about ourselves that are just not true, or at least can not be known with certainty.   In other words, we beat ourselves up. Try getting into the habit of being positive. Make a mental list before you go to sleep at night. List the things you liked about the day, list the accomplishments you may have made. List the things you will do in the future that will be great. Or make a list of the traits you have that serve as evidence you really are basically good and lovable; maybe not perfect, but deep down good. Forgive yourself for not being perfect. Nobody ever is. Learn to love yourself, because most other people will not be able to love you if you haven't learned to love yourself first.  If you learn deep down that you are lovable, and basically good, then it won't matter if you meet the right person because you will be comfortable with being alone. When you are comfortable in your own skin then when you do meet someone you have a spark with you will be much more likely to be able to form a healthy, happy relationship with them that is based on mutual respect and love and not one based on insecurity and fear. 

Learning to challenge and see through your self doubt is the biggest task we all face as human beings.  When you overcome your self doubt, and self loathing, you will be at peace whether you are still a virgin or not.