Guilt seems to be
a ubiquitous emotion in our society. It plays a major role in
most people's lives. It is central to many religions and is, at
best a catalyst for personal improvement, and at worst, a destructive
force which can destroy happiness and success. Some believe that
guilt is important in order for people to have the motivation to
adhere to a moral code. Inherent in this comes many heavy handed
beliefs about the self, being “pure,” “good,” and “perfect.”
We don't want to feel guilty or bad about ourselves, so we help the
elderly person across the street. Some would say that without guilt
society would quickly become chaotic and unsafe. But is this really
true? We assume it is, but is it really?
So.... what is
guilt? From what I've noticed, guilt is aggression turned
inward. I say this because, if you look at your feeling state when
you feel guilty, it is very similar to the feeling state you have
when you are angry at someone for doing something wrong. For
instance.. how do you feel when someone cuts in front of you in line?
Do you feel warm fuzzy feelings of appreciation towards them;
probably not. You probably think they are total douche bags, or
jerks, or at least oblivious to others, and therefore inconsiderate.
These are the labels and stories we may tell ourselves, but the
feeling state we have is one of aggression. Its probably
similar to what a dog feels when its territory is threatened. The
emotion is hot, its directed at the external object or person with
laser-beam intensity. It seems to shout... “You are BAD! I
want you to go away, and not exist.” Isn't this what you feel
in a situation where someone did something wrong, or something you
believe is wrong. They may not see anything wrong in their
behavior, but since the aggression is something you own, its all from
your own morality, your own perspective. If we have a chance,
we will give them a piece of our mind and set them straight. That's
what we want to do when someone just let their dog poop on our lawn
and they didn't clean it up.
The next time
someone gives you a piece of their mind, watch and notice the energy
of the situation, and watch your own feeling state. An
aggressive feeling state may very well arise in you as well, and if
you aren't careful, you'll get into a big argument. Another
feeling state which is very similar, may arise though. This is
the state of feeling guilty. Instead of directing the aggression
toward the person who is mad at you, you direct it inward and feel
those same feelings toward yourself. You may agree with them
and start believing that you are "bad". The feeling
state is very similar to when you direct that aggression outward
except that its turned inward.
Guilt has another
component to it though. When one feels guilty, or is directing that
aggressive state inward, then they often feel sad or develop a
feeling of despair. Guilt brings out our deepest darkest
fears that we are “no good,” or “not worthy,” or a “worthless
piece of shit!” This negative self view or self definition is not
real but it really feels that way. How could it be ultimately true,
though? Don't we all have the tendencies to good things and bad
things? Don't we all make mistakes, and break things? Don't we also
have the tendency to get things right at times too, or to fix
things?” Haven't you been a hero at times? So why feel guilty
about mistakes just because you happen to be a zero for while? Why be
convinced that you are no good as a person because you made a
mistake? How can that personal definition really be true when there
are times when you are a hero so to speak? Remember the time you
said just the right thing when you're friend was in a difficult
space? So, if you have the capacity to do positive, helpful things
as well as negative harmful things, then how can you say you are
totally good or totally bad? Yet when we are in the middle of a
bought of guilt, we feel certain that we are “no good.” Since
you can at times be a hero, and at times be a zero, then how can you
say with any kind of seriousness that you are totally a zero or
totally a hero? How can you feel so upset at the thought that you
aren't perfect, when being human requires making all kinds of
compromises and mistakes are inevitable?
The notion of
original sin is one based on the idea that we are fixed entities and
our goodness is dependant on being absolutely perfect all the time
for our whole life. I think most of us have the belief that to “be”
a good person, a person worthy of others respect and love, we have to
be a hero all the time. If you're not perfect, you are not “good.”
This is the source of aggression we feel against ourselves when we
feel guilty for a mistake we made. The aggression is like a scolding
parent trying to set their kid “right.” Its like the aggression of
a boss who is annoyed with an employee who they are convinced is
“worthless.” Only, its aggression which we have towards
ourselves.
I recently read
that the way a parent speaks to their kid is how that kids inner
voice will speak all throughout their lives. If a parent is always
scolding their kid for making mistakes and not being perfect, then
when that kid grows up they will be very critical of themselves, and
probably have bouts of depression because of that inner habit of
negativity. A student might think upon seeing that one B grade in
amongst what would have been all A's, “If I had only tried harder
I would have succeeded.” “I'm lazy, and not good enough to be a
success.” or they might think, “I knew I couldn't get a 4.0 gpa.
I'm just not good enough.”
There is a way to
break out of that cycle of self aggression, and inner negativity. All
that is required, is to notice your own self judgements and remember
to question the validity of those judgements. When the person who
felt guilty for not getting perfect grades realizes that they were
making negative self judgements, they might then immediately question
the notions: “I'm just not good enough.” or “I'm lazy.” Most
of the time, self judgements require the use of the verb to be. Look
for that. Then ask yourself, “How can I know that this is so?”
“How can I be totally lazy when all my grades were A's except one?”
When you honestly question your beliefs about yourself, the beliefs
will always turn out to be not entirely true. There may be a partial
truth there, but is it worth feeling bad about yourself over?
Besides, how can you really “be” something when you can also be
others things too. You can be good at times and bad at others, you
can be successful at times and a failure at others, you can be a hero
and a minute later a zero. So how can you really say that you are
totally a hero or totally a zero? You can't. We are a mixture of
tendencies, not an absolute, entirely predictable, unchanging machine
like, solid entity. The whole notion of a perfect person rests on
the assumption that we are unchanging and fixed. That notion just
doesn't really make any sense when you think about it. So, breath a
big breath of relief because you aren't totally worthless and bad
after all. You are many many things, good and bad. Learn to accept
and love yourself for all those things. Forgive yourself first for
being not perfect, then forgive yourself for even having the notion
that you need to be perfect because when you fully realize that there
is ultimately no such thing as perfection you will realize that its
impossible to be alive and to be perfect.
Perfection is a
mind constructed ideal which is really an over simplification of
reality. Take for instance, a straight line. You can draw a straight
line and stand back and notice that its not really straight. Your
hand might have inadvertently made it curve a little. So, you can
then use a straight edge, and redraw the line, but is it really a
perfect straight line? If you got a magnifying lens you would see
imperfections in it. Little blobs of ink or carbon here and there.
So, what if you then got a super fine pencil, and a super accurate
straight edge and carefully redrew the line again? Is it a perfect
straight line now? No it isn't. If you put that line under a
microscope, you would see even more imperfections. There really is
no way to make a “perfect” straight line or a perfect anything,
because there is no such thing as absolutely perfect in this
universe. Perfection is a mental construct which over simplifies
reality. The only perfect line that can exist is in your mind. Any
other representation of a “perfect” line is just that, a
representation, not a real perfect line. The same is true with
notions of the perfect person. If you really look, no one is or ever
can be perfect because we are far to complex to fit into an over
simplified definition.
The notion that
you need to be perfect in order to be lovable and respectable is also
one that can not be true either, because if there is no such thing as
a perfect person then how is it that perfection is required for us to
prove our worthiness? No wonder people get so discouraged with
themselves and with life. They expect themselves to be something
which is impossible to be. They berate themselves and even hate
themselves for not being perfect. Talk about aggression turned
inward.
The next time you
notice this aggression try to counter the feeling state which comes
with these silly beliefs by generating forgiveness and loving
kindness towards yourself. Tell yourself that you are OK just as you
are, and although there are things you would like to become better
at, it has nothing to do with who you really are. Remind yourself
over and over that you don't need to be perfect and with no mistakes.
You are good enough just as you are. Since you've probably been
telling yourself the opposite for a long time, it might take a lot of
reminding, before the new belief really takes hold and permeates down
deep. Counter negative thoughts and judgements with an assessment of
the ultimate truth or untruth of the self judgement, and then tell
yourself that you are good enough as you are, and people will love
you as you are because you are lovable as you are. Remind yourself
over and over and over again.
So, is guilt
really necessary to be a good person? Some would say it is. Some
would say that without a reason to do the right thing we (all people)
would be selfish monsters. I have to disagree. In fact I would say
that avoiding the feeling and beliefs of guilt is one of the main
reasons people get angry when they are told they are doing something
wrong. People don't want to pour hate on themselves so they instead
pour it on the person or group who is pointing out the mistake. So,
if avoiding guilt actually keeps people from looking at themselves
clearly, then how is it that they can become a better person by
feeling guilty? Isn't it true that a mistake is an opportunity to
learn? But if the mistake is seen as a threat to one's very belief
about oneself, then the last thing one would want is to admit that
mistake, but how can one improve oneself with out learning from those
mistakes? Do guilty feelings actually block us from becoming better
people? It seems that way to me. The person who believes they must
be a perfect parent to be a good parent will likely get very angry at
you for pointing out that yelling at their kids all the time is bad
for them. That's why we often don't point out those warts to our
friends because we want them to stay our friends. That's why we often
don't even see what we are doing for years, until our kids get
totally traumatized and have to pay lots of money to a therapist in
order to feel OK about themselves. Guilt is not really a great thing
as far as I'm concerned. Its a harmful feeling-state which
propagates all kinds of negative energy to ourselves and to those
around us.
Do we really need
to have guilt to be a good person? There are some people in society
who seem to have no guilt, and those people often are extremely
selfish and harm others with impunity. But the fact that they think
its OK to harm others as long as they get what they want is not
really because they have no guilt, its because they lack the
emotional intelligence to realize that other people are just as
important as they are. People who have the affliction of lacking
guilt, lack it because they lack conscience. They lack a sense of
larger than self morality. Guilt is not the underpinning of that
higher morality, it comes from that. If people only did the right
thing because they wanted to avoid feeling a certain way, then it
wouldn't really be morality, it would be Pavlovian avoidance. I
think we all know that that is not the basis of knowing whats right
and whats wrong.
That being said,
the feeling state that comes from doing something wrong is useful as
long as you don't make an identity out of it. The feeling state of
guilt without the negative self definition is what is called
“remorse”. If you eat something that tastes really yukky, you
regret it. In the same way, if you steal something and then later
feel really bad about it without thinking of yourself as a bad
person, then you are experiencing remorse. Guilt without identity is
remorse. This feeling is very useful.
Just like avoiding
a food that tastes bad you can avoid actions that make you feel
remorse. Remembering how you felt after you stole the candy bar from
the store can be a great way to find the motivation to not ever steal
again. But if you add the self to it, and you think of yourself as a
lousy person, or even worse, you think of yourself as a “theif”
then all kinds of negative consequences can happen. You can actually
accept your new identity as “truth” and then start stealing more.
I've heard from psychologists that many criminals in prison think of
themselves as a “bad person.” This inner belief is what they
continue to act out like an actor playing a role. If, instead they
didn't see themselves as “bad” but felt bad for what they did,
then they would likely avoid doing the same thing in the future.
Remorse with an
underpinning of loving kindness towards yourself and a larger then
self sense of duty, is a much more effective way of doing the right
thing and learning from your mistakes and ultimately becoming a
better person, than feeling guilty. The Dalai Lama once was asked a
question about guilt and didn't understand because the Tibetan
culture doesn't have a word for it. They do have a word for remorse,
and it is talked about a good deal because its actually helpful in
the human spiritual journey. Guilt on the other hand is probably not
often helpful. I would even go so far as to claim that it is probably
never helpful, but never is such a big word. Learning the difference
between feeling guilty and feeling remorse is a great thing to do.
Just as striving to become a better and better person is a much
better view of yourself and your life than assuming that you should
have been perfect in the first place.
