Guilt or Remorse; You Choose

Guilt seems to be a ubiquitous emotion in our society.  It plays a major role in most people's lives.  It is central to many religions and is, at best a catalyst for personal improvement, and at worst, a destructive force which can destroy happiness and success.  Some believe that guilt is important in order for people to have the motivation to adhere to a moral code. Inherent in this comes many heavy handed beliefs about the self, being “pure,” “good,” and “perfect.” We don't want to feel guilty or bad about ourselves, so we help the elderly person across the street. Some would say that without guilt society would quickly become chaotic and unsafe. But is this really true? We assume it is, but is it really?

So.... what is guilt?  From what I've noticed, guilt is aggression turned inward. I say this because, if you look at your feeling state when you feel guilty, it is very similar to the feeling state you have when you are angry at someone for doing something wrong.  For instance.. how do you feel when someone cuts in front of you in line?  Do you feel warm fuzzy feelings of appreciation towards them; probably not.  You probably think they are total douche bags, or jerks, or at least oblivious to others, and therefore inconsiderate.  These are the labels and stories we may tell ourselves, but the feeling state we have is one of aggression.  Its probably similar to what a dog feels when its territory is threatened.  The emotion is hot, its directed at the external object or person with laser-beam intensity. It seems to shout... “You are BAD!  I want you to go away, and not exist.”  Isn't this what you feel in a situation where someone did something wrong, or something you believe is wrong.  They may not see anything wrong in their behavior, but since the aggression is something you own, its all from your own morality, your own perspective.  If we have a chance, we will give them a piece of our mind and set them straight. That's what we want to do when someone just let their dog poop on our lawn and they didn't clean it up.

The next time someone gives you a piece of their mind, watch and notice the energy of the situation, and watch your own feeling state.  An aggressive feeling state may very well arise in you as well, and if you aren't careful, you'll get into a big argument.   Another feeling state which is very similar, may arise though.  This is the state of feeling guilty.  Instead of directing the aggression toward the person who is mad at you, you direct it inward and feel those same feelings toward yourself.  You may agree with them and start believing that you are "bad".  The feeling state is very similar to when you direct that aggression outward except that its turned inward.  

Guilt has another component to it though. When one feels guilty, or is directing that aggressive state inward, then they often feel sad or develop a feeling of despair.   Guilt brings out our deepest darkest fears that we are “no good,” or “not worthy,” or a “worthless piece of shit!” This negative self view or self definition is not real but it really feels that way. How could it be ultimately true, though? Don't we all have the tendencies to good things and bad things? Don't we all make mistakes, and break things? Don't we also have the tendency to get things right at times too, or to fix things?” Haven't you been a hero at times? So why feel guilty about mistakes just because you happen to be a zero for while? Why be convinced that you are no good as a person because you made a mistake? How can that personal definition really be true when there are times when you are a hero so to speak? Remember the time you said just the right thing when you're friend was in a difficult space? So, if you have the capacity to do positive, helpful things as well as negative harmful things, then how can you say you are totally good or totally bad? Yet when we are in the middle of a bought of guilt, we feel certain that we are “no good.” Since you can at times be a hero, and at times be a zero, then how can you say with any kind of seriousness that you are totally a zero or totally a hero? How can you feel so upset at the thought that you aren't perfect, when being human requires making all kinds of compromises and mistakes are inevitable?

The notion of original sin is one based on the idea that we are fixed entities and our goodness is dependant on being absolutely perfect all the time for our whole life. I think most of us have the belief that to “be” a good person, a person worthy of others respect and love, we have to be a hero all the time. If you're not perfect, you are not “good.” This is the source of aggression we feel against ourselves when we feel guilty for a mistake we made. The aggression is like a scolding parent trying to set their kid “right.” Its like the aggression of a boss who is annoyed with an employee who they are convinced is “worthless.” Only, its aggression which we have towards ourselves.

I recently read that the way a parent speaks to their kid is how that kids inner voice will speak all throughout their lives. If a parent is always scolding their kid for making mistakes and not being perfect, then when that kid grows up they will be very critical of themselves, and probably have bouts of depression because of that inner habit of negativity. A student might think upon seeing that one B grade in amongst what would have been all A's, “If I had only tried harder I would have succeeded.” “I'm lazy, and not good enough to be a success.” or they might think, “I knew I couldn't get a 4.0 gpa. I'm just not good enough.”

There is a way to break out of that cycle of self aggression, and inner negativity. All that is required, is to notice your own self judgements and remember to question the validity of those judgements. When the person who felt guilty for not getting perfect grades realizes that they were making negative self judgements, they might then immediately question the notions: “I'm just not good enough.” or “I'm lazy.” Most of the time, self judgements require the use of the verb to be. Look for that. Then ask yourself, “How can I know that this is so?” “How can I be totally lazy when all my grades were A's except one?” When you honestly question your beliefs about yourself, the beliefs will always turn out to be not entirely true. There may be a partial truth there, but is it worth feeling bad about yourself over? Besides, how can you really “be” something when you can also be others things too. You can be good at times and bad at others, you can be successful at times and a failure at others, you can be a hero and a minute later a zero. So how can you really say that you are totally a hero or totally a zero? You can't. We are a mixture of tendencies, not an absolute, entirely predictable, unchanging machine like, solid entity. The whole notion of a perfect person rests on the assumption that we are unchanging and fixed. That notion just doesn't really make any sense when you think about it. So, breath a big breath of relief because you aren't totally worthless and bad after all. You are many many things, good and bad. Learn to accept and love yourself for all those things. Forgive yourself first for being not perfect, then forgive yourself for even having the notion that you need to be perfect because when you fully realize that there is ultimately no such thing as perfection you will realize that its impossible to be alive and to be perfect.

Perfection is a mind constructed ideal which is really an over simplification of reality. Take for instance, a straight line. You can draw a straight line and stand back and notice that its not really straight. Your hand might have inadvertently made it curve a little. So, you can then use a straight edge, and redraw the line, but is it really a perfect straight line? If you got a magnifying lens you would see imperfections in it. Little blobs of ink or carbon here and there. So, what if you then got a super fine pencil, and a super accurate straight edge and carefully redrew the line again? Is it a perfect straight line now? No it isn't. If you put that line under a microscope, you would see even more imperfections. There really is no way to make a “perfect” straight line or a perfect anything, because there is no such thing as absolutely perfect in this universe. Perfection is a mental construct which over simplifies reality. The only perfect line that can exist is in your mind. Any other representation of a “perfect” line is just that, a representation, not a real perfect line. The same is true with notions of the perfect person. If you really look, no one is or ever can be perfect because we are far to complex to fit into an over simplified definition.

The notion that you need to be perfect in order to be lovable and respectable is also one that can not be true either, because if there is no such thing as a perfect person then how is it that perfection is required for us to prove our worthiness? No wonder people get so discouraged with themselves and with life. They expect themselves to be something which is impossible to be. They berate themselves and even hate themselves for not being perfect. Talk about aggression turned inward.

The next time you notice this aggression try to counter the feeling state which comes with these silly beliefs by generating forgiveness and loving kindness towards yourself. Tell yourself that you are OK just as you are, and although there are things you would like to become better at, it has nothing to do with who you really are. Remind yourself over and over that you don't need to be perfect and with no mistakes. You are good enough just as you are. Since you've probably been telling yourself the opposite for a long time, it might take a lot of reminding, before the new belief really takes hold and permeates down deep. Counter negative thoughts and judgements with an assessment of the ultimate truth or untruth of the self judgement, and then tell yourself that you are good enough as you are, and people will love you as you are because you are lovable as you are. Remind yourself over and over and over again.

So, is guilt really necessary to be a good person? Some would say it is. Some would say that without a reason to do the right thing we (all people) would be selfish monsters. I have to disagree. In fact I would say that avoiding the feeling and beliefs of guilt is one of the main reasons people get angry when they are told they are doing something wrong. People don't want to pour hate on themselves so they instead pour it on the person or group who is pointing out the mistake. So, if avoiding guilt actually keeps people from looking at themselves clearly, then how is it that they can become a better person by feeling guilty? Isn't it true that a mistake is an opportunity to learn? But if the mistake is seen as a threat to one's very belief about oneself, then the last thing one would want is to admit that mistake, but how can one improve oneself with out learning from those mistakes? Do guilty feelings actually block us from becoming better people? It seems that way to me. The person who believes they must be a perfect parent to be a good parent will likely get very angry at you for pointing out that yelling at their kids all the time is bad for them. That's why we often don't point out those warts to our friends because we want them to stay our friends. That's why we often don't even see what we are doing for years, until our kids get totally traumatized and have to pay lots of money to a therapist in order to feel OK about themselves. Guilt is not really a great thing as far as I'm concerned. Its a harmful feeling-state which propagates all kinds of negative energy to ourselves and to those around us.

Do we really need to have guilt to be a good person? There are some people in society who seem to have no guilt, and those people often are extremely selfish and harm others with impunity. But the fact that they think its OK to harm others as long as they get what they want is not really because they have no guilt, its because they lack the emotional intelligence to realize that other people are just as important as they are. People who have the affliction of lacking guilt, lack it because they lack conscience. They lack a sense of larger than self morality. Guilt is not the underpinning of that higher morality, it comes from that. If people only did the right thing because they wanted to avoid feeling a certain way, then it wouldn't really be morality, it would be Pavlovian avoidance. I think we all know that that is not the basis of knowing whats right and whats wrong.

That being said, the feeling state that comes from doing something wrong is useful as long as you don't make an identity out of it. The feeling state of guilt without the negative self definition is what is called “remorse”. If you eat something that tastes really yukky, you regret it. In the same way, if you steal something and then later feel really bad about it without thinking of yourself as a bad person, then you are experiencing remorse. Guilt without identity is remorse. This feeling is very useful.

Just like avoiding a food that tastes bad you can avoid actions that make you feel remorse. Remembering how you felt after you stole the candy bar from the store can be a great way to find the motivation to not ever steal again. But if you add the self to it, and you think of yourself as a lousy person, or even worse, you think of yourself as a “theif” then all kinds of negative consequences can happen. You can actually accept your new identity as “truth” and then start stealing more. I've heard from psychologists that many criminals in prison think of themselves as a “bad person.” This inner belief is what they continue to act out like an actor playing a role. If, instead they didn't see themselves as “bad” but felt bad for what they did, then they would likely avoid doing the same thing in the future.

Remorse with an underpinning of loving kindness towards yourself and a larger then self sense of duty, is a much more effective way of doing the right thing and learning from your mistakes and ultimately becoming a better person, than feeling guilty. The Dalai Lama once was asked a question about guilt and didn't understand because the Tibetan culture doesn't have a word for it. They do have a word for remorse, and it is talked about a good deal because its actually helpful in the human spiritual journey. Guilt on the other hand is probably not often helpful. I would even go so far as to claim that it is probably never helpful, but never is such a big word. Learning the difference between feeling guilty and feeling remorse is a great thing to do. Just as striving to become a better and better person is a much better view of yourself and your life than assuming that you should have been perfect in the first place.