Harboring Resentments

In our lives we are always watching out for ourselves. We have many techniques to help maintain our self, and a big category of these techniques is to keep ourselves separate from others. Our ego is always looking for a reason to separate. Hate, resentment, pity, jealousy, are just a few emotional states that drive the actions which separate us from others.

Have you ever noticed that people who seem to be really good at hating others, end up alone and miserable? Its no surprise when you think about it. The habit of finding fault in others, can lead one to feel superior and this kind of deep self delusion separates us from others. We think we are looking out for ourselves, but in fact we are making our self miserable, and small. How is that helpful in bringing more happiness to our lives? 

Another technique our ego uses to separate us is jumping to negative conclusions about other's motives, especially when they did something which harmed us. Harboring resentment or hidden anger towards others while all the while smiling, is a particularly good way to keep ourselves separate from others, especially friends. When a friend slights us, we often jump to the conclusion that they had it out for us, and meant us harm. We assume they were thinking along those lines, and anger and resentment get raised. If we run these stories over and over in our head, then all past positive experiences with that friend are forgotten and they become an enemy to us. We usually don't confront them about it either because it would be too exhausting to try and justify our decision to begin hating them if we had to argue with them about it. No, its much much easier to just keep our hatred secret, or at least to keep it secret from them. 

You can hear the resentment (and growing hatred) in inner commentary such as: “He left the toilet seat up again! He knows how much I hate that! Arrrrgh!” , “They didn't even offer to help.” , “He said that just to hurt my feelings!”  , "She knew how important this was and she didn't even try. She doesn't care about me!" There are endless other examples, but how can we really know what they are thinking? We can't, so why not assume the positive: "I'm sure they didn't really mean me harm, they were probably just lost in their thoughts."  Some people do have this habit of seeing the bright side in every situation. This kind of positive karma serves them well usually because they are the ones that have a lot of friends, and are always getting invited to the best parties.  So if believing the worst in someone else's motives doesn't really serve us well, then why do we do it over and over again?  The truth is, you can't know what someone else's thoughts are unless you ask them, and they are honest with you about it. So hidden resentments are usually predicated on the belief that you can know what they are thinking. How silly is that? 

If hidden resentment were not kept hidden, then usually it would be resolved and you would still be able to be friends, or lovers with the other. Is that what the ego wants? Unfortunately, no. That's not what the ego wants. The ego wants you to be separate. It is always looking for evidence of separateness because its a falsehood that must be maintained if the ego is to survive. If and when you get the courage to confront the person who "wronged" you, chances are it will be some kind of miscommunication. In my life, I would say that about 90% of the time the other person I was so mad at, didn't have any ill will towards me, they were just not being mindful, and happened to say what they said without really meaning it. Although they didn't put the toilet seat down, it wasn't their passive aggressive jab at you as you had originally thought. It was just them being lost in thought which is something that happens to all of us a lot of the time. If the majority of time you confronted other people you were angry at, and you did it in a way that minimized the chance of getting their anger aroused, you probably wouldn't be able to stay mad at them for long. You could start caring for them again.

When someone holds on to resentment and keeps their anger hidden, then all that is obvious to others is that there is a tension in the room. Have you ever felt that tension in a room of people where there's unresolved issues? I've heard of dramas that last generations. “So and so's father did this to our father back in 1973 and that's why we don't want to have anything to do with them anymore.” Have you ever heard this kind of thing? I have. Decades of friendship lost because of hidden resentments that are usually based on some miscommunication. Even when supposed wrong doings are talked about, and then yelled about, and maybe even fought about physically, it often releases the tension and people can be friends again. Have you ever had or known friends who had to fight out their anger towards one another until they could be friends again? They literally had to punch and get punched before they could be friends again. The tension was that strong.

So what happens when tensions are not resolved? What happens when the fake smiles become obvious to all, but never get resolved? Friendships are destroyed, divorces happen, families break apart. Does that sound like a good strategy for long term happiness? Ironically, the very reason we often use for not airing our annoyances and resentments with our friends and family is that we don't want to damage our relationship with them. Is this really true? How can it be? How can putting on a fake smile and acting like everything is OK will help us maintain a relationship? The negative belief, whether stated or not, is an energy state that people can feel. People often know or at least suspect when you are mad at them. I think its happened to all of us. So when resentments are not talked about,  the wedge is driven in, and the relationship is split apart. The truth is, relationships are damaged far more by harboring resentments then by talking about them. Is this separation really an unrealized side effect of harboring resentments, or is this kind of pushing away the main, hidden goal? If we really wanted to stay close to our friends and loved ones then we would work out our differences rather than put on fake smiles around them. If we really wanted to stay close, wouldn't we just say: “Hey... do you mind putting down the toilet seat when you're done? That drives me crazy.” People who are serious about maintaining relationships are often fearless when it comes to airing their resentments. Hopefully they find ways to say what needs to be said in a respectful, open way, but even when they don't and they get into an argument, in the end their friendship becomes stronger because of that honesty.

Its like plate tectonics. Two giant geologic plates of the Earth's crust move in opposite directions causing friction, and deformation to build up where they meet. The longer the tension builds deep under ground, the bigger the quake will be when the day comes that that the final straw is dropped onto the back of that weary camel. Relationships are kind of like that. The longer you hold onto a negative judgement against another, the more separate you will be from them and the harder it will be to talk about it. The ego loves this process. This process also is the cause of a lot of stress and misery too. A happy couple can turn into a hateful couple if hidden judgments and resentments are not aired out and resolved.

The ego loves to create suffering and is so good at it. The antidote is seeing it. When you see some aspect of your ego, then you know right then and there that at least you are not that which you see. If you notice that you have been going over in your head again and again about what a lazy jerk so and so is, and you see that aspect of ego in that belief, you are no longer lost in the belief. The belief really loses its power over you when you see that its just another strategy employed by the ego to separate you from others. The best attitude to have when observing the ego is similar to that of a grandparent who is watching their grand kids. Its a forgiving panoramic kind of view. When you can laugh at yourself you have this view. If you are scolding yourself when you see yourself making negative judgments against others, then chances are, you won't notice that tendency in yourself too often because you are training yourself to not go there. You are training yourself to ignore the imperfections rather than laugh at it all. Seeing the ego from the self improvement perspective is just another aspect of the ego. Seeing the ego with the perspective of loving kindness towards your self, is putting one foot out of the jail cell of the ego.  

How much do you really care for your friends?  How important are they to you?  Is it worth it to harbor resentment and later hatred toward them just because you think you know what is going on in their head? Fearlessness to confront the scary places is the path of the spiritual warrior. That's a path of personal growth,  empowerment and connection. Shying away from the hard conversations is not going to make you happier. It almost always has the same result: separation, and hatred.  Just what the ego always wanted.