Guilt or Remorse; You Choose

Guilt seems to be a ubiquitous emotion in our society.  It plays a major role in most people's lives.  It is central to many religions and is, at best a catalyst for personal improvement, and at worst, a destructive force which can destroy happiness and success.  Some believe that guilt is important in order for people to have the motivation to adhere to a moral code. Inherent in this comes many heavy handed beliefs about the self, being “pure,” “good,” and “perfect.” We don't want to feel guilty or bad about ourselves, so we help the elderly person across the street. Some would say that without guilt society would quickly become chaotic and unsafe. But is this really true? We assume it is, but is it really?

So.... what is guilt?  From what I've noticed, guilt is aggression turned inward. I say this because, if you look at your feeling state when you feel guilty, it is very similar to the feeling state you have when you are angry at someone for doing something wrong.  For instance.. how do you feel when someone cuts in front of you in line?  Do you feel warm fuzzy feelings of appreciation towards them; probably not.  You probably think they are total douche bags, or jerks, or at least oblivious to others, and therefore inconsiderate.  These are the labels and stories we may tell ourselves, but the feeling state we have is one of aggression.  Its probably similar to what a dog feels when its territory is threatened.  The emotion is hot, its directed at the external object or person with laser-beam intensity. It seems to shout... “You are BAD!  I want you to go away, and not exist.”  Isn't this what you feel in a situation where someone did something wrong, or something you believe is wrong.  They may not see anything wrong in their behavior, but since the aggression is something you own, its all from your own morality, your own perspective.  If we have a chance, we will give them a piece of our mind and set them straight. That's what we want to do when someone just let their dog poop on our lawn and they didn't clean it up.

The next time someone gives you a piece of their mind, watch and notice the energy of the situation, and watch your own feeling state.  An aggressive feeling state may very well arise in you as well, and if you aren't careful, you'll get into a big argument.   Another feeling state which is very similar, may arise though.  This is the state of feeling guilty.  Instead of directing the aggression toward the person who is mad at you, you direct it inward and feel those same feelings toward yourself.  You may agree with them and start believing that you are "bad".  The feeling state is very similar to when you direct that aggression outward except that its turned inward.  

Guilt has another component to it though. When one feels guilty, or is directing that aggressive state inward, then they often feel sad or develop a feeling of despair.   Guilt brings out our deepest darkest fears that we are “no good,” or “not worthy,” or a “worthless piece of shit!” This negative self view or self definition is not real but it really feels that way. How could it be ultimately true, though? Don't we all have the tendencies to good things and bad things? Don't we all make mistakes, and break things? Don't we also have the tendency to get things right at times too, or to fix things?” Haven't you been a hero at times? So why feel guilty about mistakes just because you happen to be a zero for while? Why be convinced that you are no good as a person because you made a mistake? How can that personal definition really be true when there are times when you are a hero so to speak? Remember the time you said just the right thing when you're friend was in a difficult space? So, if you have the capacity to do positive, helpful things as well as negative harmful things, then how can you say you are totally good or totally bad? Yet when we are in the middle of a bought of guilt, we feel certain that we are “no good.” Since you can at times be a hero, and at times be a zero, then how can you say with any kind of seriousness that you are totally a zero or totally a hero? How can you feel so upset at the thought that you aren't perfect, when being human requires making all kinds of compromises and mistakes are inevitable?

The notion of original sin is one based on the idea that we are fixed entities and our goodness is dependant on being absolutely perfect all the time for our whole life. I think most of us have the belief that to “be” a good person, a person worthy of others respect and love, we have to be a hero all the time. If you're not perfect, you are not “good.” This is the source of aggression we feel against ourselves when we feel guilty for a mistake we made. The aggression is like a scolding parent trying to set their kid “right.” Its like the aggression of a boss who is annoyed with an employee who they are convinced is “worthless.” Only, its aggression which we have towards ourselves.

I recently read that the way a parent speaks to their kid is how that kids inner voice will speak all throughout their lives. If a parent is always scolding their kid for making mistakes and not being perfect, then when that kid grows up they will be very critical of themselves, and probably have bouts of depression because of that inner habit of negativity. A student might think upon seeing that one B grade in amongst what would have been all A's, “If I had only tried harder I would have succeeded.” “I'm lazy, and not good enough to be a success.” or they might think, “I knew I couldn't get a 4.0 gpa. I'm just not good enough.”

There is a way to break out of that cycle of self aggression, and inner negativity. All that is required, is to notice your own self judgements and remember to question the validity of those judgements. When the person who felt guilty for not getting perfect grades realizes that they were making negative self judgements, they might then immediately question the notions: “I'm just not good enough.” or “I'm lazy.” Most of the time, self judgements require the use of the verb to be. Look for that. Then ask yourself, “How can I know that this is so?” “How can I be totally lazy when all my grades were A's except one?” When you honestly question your beliefs about yourself, the beliefs will always turn out to be not entirely true. There may be a partial truth there, but is it worth feeling bad about yourself over? Besides, how can you really “be” something when you can also be others things too. You can be good at times and bad at others, you can be successful at times and a failure at others, you can be a hero and a minute later a zero. So how can you really say that you are totally a hero or totally a zero? You can't. We are a mixture of tendencies, not an absolute, entirely predictable, unchanging machine like, solid entity. The whole notion of a perfect person rests on the assumption that we are unchanging and fixed. That notion just doesn't really make any sense when you think about it. So, breath a big breath of relief because you aren't totally worthless and bad after all. You are many many things, good and bad. Learn to accept and love yourself for all those things. Forgive yourself first for being not perfect, then forgive yourself for even having the notion that you need to be perfect because when you fully realize that there is ultimately no such thing as perfection you will realize that its impossible to be alive and to be perfect.

Perfection is a mind constructed ideal which is really an over simplification of reality. Take for instance, a straight line. You can draw a straight line and stand back and notice that its not really straight. Your hand might have inadvertently made it curve a little. So, you can then use a straight edge, and redraw the line, but is it really a perfect straight line? If you got a magnifying lens you would see imperfections in it. Little blobs of ink or carbon here and there. So, what if you then got a super fine pencil, and a super accurate straight edge and carefully redrew the line again? Is it a perfect straight line now? No it isn't. If you put that line under a microscope, you would see even more imperfections. There really is no way to make a “perfect” straight line or a perfect anything, because there is no such thing as absolutely perfect in this universe. Perfection is a mental construct which over simplifies reality. The only perfect line that can exist is in your mind. Any other representation of a “perfect” line is just that, a representation, not a real perfect line. The same is true with notions of the perfect person. If you really look, no one is or ever can be perfect because we are far to complex to fit into an over simplified definition.

The notion that you need to be perfect in order to be lovable and respectable is also one that can not be true either, because if there is no such thing as a perfect person then how is it that perfection is required for us to prove our worthiness? No wonder people get so discouraged with themselves and with life. They expect themselves to be something which is impossible to be. They berate themselves and even hate themselves for not being perfect. Talk about aggression turned inward.

The next time you notice this aggression try to counter the feeling state which comes with these silly beliefs by generating forgiveness and loving kindness towards yourself. Tell yourself that you are OK just as you are, and although there are things you would like to become better at, it has nothing to do with who you really are. Remind yourself over and over that you don't need to be perfect and with no mistakes. You are good enough just as you are. Since you've probably been telling yourself the opposite for a long time, it might take a lot of reminding, before the new belief really takes hold and permeates down deep. Counter negative thoughts and judgements with an assessment of the ultimate truth or untruth of the self judgement, and then tell yourself that you are good enough as you are, and people will love you as you are because you are lovable as you are. Remind yourself over and over and over again.

So, is guilt really necessary to be a good person? Some would say it is. Some would say that without a reason to do the right thing we (all people) would be selfish monsters. I have to disagree. In fact I would say that avoiding the feeling and beliefs of guilt is one of the main reasons people get angry when they are told they are doing something wrong. People don't want to pour hate on themselves so they instead pour it on the person or group who is pointing out the mistake. So, if avoiding guilt actually keeps people from looking at themselves clearly, then how is it that they can become a better person by feeling guilty? Isn't it true that a mistake is an opportunity to learn? But if the mistake is seen as a threat to one's very belief about oneself, then the last thing one would want is to admit that mistake, but how can one improve oneself with out learning from those mistakes? Do guilty feelings actually block us from becoming better people? It seems that way to me. The person who believes they must be a perfect parent to be a good parent will likely get very angry at you for pointing out that yelling at their kids all the time is bad for them. That's why we often don't point out those warts to our friends because we want them to stay our friends. That's why we often don't even see what we are doing for years, until our kids get totally traumatized and have to pay lots of money to a therapist in order to feel OK about themselves. Guilt is not really a great thing as far as I'm concerned. Its a harmful feeling-state which propagates all kinds of negative energy to ourselves and to those around us.

Do we really need to have guilt to be a good person? There are some people in society who seem to have no guilt, and those people often are extremely selfish and harm others with impunity. But the fact that they think its OK to harm others as long as they get what they want is not really because they have no guilt, its because they lack the emotional intelligence to realize that other people are just as important as they are. People who have the affliction of lacking guilt, lack it because they lack conscience. They lack a sense of larger than self morality. Guilt is not the underpinning of that higher morality, it comes from that. If people only did the right thing because they wanted to avoid feeling a certain way, then it wouldn't really be morality, it would be Pavlovian avoidance. I think we all know that that is not the basis of knowing whats right and whats wrong.

That being said, the feeling state that comes from doing something wrong is useful as long as you don't make an identity out of it. The feeling state of guilt without the negative self definition is what is called “remorse”. If you eat something that tastes really yukky, you regret it. In the same way, if you steal something and then later feel really bad about it without thinking of yourself as a bad person, then you are experiencing remorse. Guilt without identity is remorse. This feeling is very useful.

Just like avoiding a food that tastes bad you can avoid actions that make you feel remorse. Remembering how you felt after you stole the candy bar from the store can be a great way to find the motivation to not ever steal again. But if you add the self to it, and you think of yourself as a lousy person, or even worse, you think of yourself as a “theif” then all kinds of negative consequences can happen. You can actually accept your new identity as “truth” and then start stealing more. I've heard from psychologists that many criminals in prison think of themselves as a “bad person.” This inner belief is what they continue to act out like an actor playing a role. If, instead they didn't see themselves as “bad” but felt bad for what they did, then they would likely avoid doing the same thing in the future.

Remorse with an underpinning of loving kindness towards yourself and a larger then self sense of duty, is a much more effective way of doing the right thing and learning from your mistakes and ultimately becoming a better person, than feeling guilty. The Dalai Lama once was asked a question about guilt and didn't understand because the Tibetan culture doesn't have a word for it. They do have a word for remorse, and it is talked about a good deal because its actually helpful in the human spiritual journey. Guilt on the other hand is probably not often helpful. I would even go so far as to claim that it is probably never helpful, but never is such a big word. Learning the difference between feeling guilty and feeling remorse is a great thing to do. Just as striving to become a better and better person is a much better view of yourself and your life than assuming that you should have been perfect in the first place.

Life is Humbling

Have you ever noticed how life offers us endless opportunities to be humbled? What does it mean to be humbled? It means we are confronted face to face with the reality that we are fallible and impermanent, and that our importance and power are always relative. We will always have some power, but so much more of the universe, and even our little corner of it, is beyond what we can control.  To strive for more and more power in the hopes of finally becoming powerful enough is fundamentally futile. Even the most powerful Roman emperor at some point had to lay down on his death bed, and come to the realization that all that power he had couldn't save him from the jaws of impermanence. Moments of that kind of realization run deep and have a vein of sadness that runs through to your center.

Humility is a breaking down of a part of the self. When the thing you always felt defined you, crumbles and is revealed to be not so true, then our world is truly rocked. To be reminded of our relative significance or insignificance, is a checking in with reality. Look up at the stars the next chance you get and you will probably know what I mean. I am always deeply humbled when I look at the stars. That is the best way to describe the experience. Being humbled, even if we feel foolish or guilty in the process, is in reality a huge opportunity for spiritual realization, but only if you are trying to get to the bottom of things, not if you are trying to be somebody better or important. If you see being humbled as an opportunity to get closer to enlightenment, then although you have a broad view of yourself, you still don't understand what the “self” is. On the other hand if being humbled means a painful realization that you are not who you thought you were, then your view of your world and your “self” has been rocked.

When you are humbled you can automatically feel bad about yourself. You may even call yourself an asshole or some other derogatory name, but there is an alternative to this automatic judging. The alternative is to rest in the nowness of not knowing who you are. Find out what can be learned by not knowing. What does it mean to be curious about what it feels like to not know who you are? Is it possible to just move your awareness into your body and watch your feelings? Meditation is a great way to learn how.

Dying, in a way, is the ultimate humbling. We lose absolutely everything, even our minds and bodies. What could be more disillusioning than that? I once worked in a bakery. I was young and more agile then and when it came time to do tasks like taking the hundreds of baked loaves out of the steam oven I would go at it with speed and gusto. I would often work with an older woman who had worked there for several decades, and walked with a limp because of a car accident she had had many years before. She seemed to look up to me because I was so efficient and productive and she would do her best to keep up. She seemed to want to be seen as being as equally productive, and would try hard to earn that kind of respect. One day, she slipped and fell while we were working busily, and immediately started crying. We stopped for a minute, while she checked to see if she was hurt and to regain her composure.

As I look back on that experience, I realize that we are all going to have moments like that. At some point, we will fall and realize that we are not as powerful as we once were. We may even cry at the realization. We will be humbled. When we are humbled, we don't have to see it as something bad. We don't have to jump to conclusions about our self. The problem is that we almost always jump to conclusions about ourselves, especially when something humbling happens. Someone who is crippled by a car accident may automatically assume that no one will really respect them again. Why would anyone want to jump to that kind of conclusion about themselves? Why not just learn to be comfortable with not knowing who you are for a while? Why not say: 'I know I can't walk, but beyond that, I can not really know what is in store for me, and I can't know how others will see me. I don't even know how I will see me. How can I know?' Some will like you, others won't. Some will respect you, others won't. How is that different than the way it is now? By resting in not knowing, you may find that a whole new world has opened up. A world that was there all along, but only required a slight shift in perspective to see. I hope you remember to try this when the next storm appears and you find that the universe has given you the opportunity and the gift of being humbled.

Discipline and the Middle Path

It seems to me that we all have two sides to our motivation. Its like two little selves, one on each shoulder. One little me is dressed in tie dye robes, has long hair and hasn't showered or shaved for months. This is the hippy in us. The hippy is motivated by our desires and needs. Freedom and excitement are Hippy's mantra.

On the other shoulder is a little self dressed in polished shoes and pressed pleated pants. They have a thick belt with a polished brass belt buckle. Their jacket is tan or olive green and adorned with metals and ribbons. This is the dictator. The dictator in you wants to build the self up into something great. Strength of will, control and discipline are its mantra. Scorn of anything which strays from the path of "rightness" is quick to flow from its mouth.

We all have to deal with these two tendencies throughout our lives. At times the hippy is dominant and we fall into sloth and addiction. At times the dictator is dominant and we work really really hard at meeting our goals and forcing ourselves to comply with a strict regimen and  practice. The more uncomfortable we are, the more accomplished we feel.

In my own experience, switching between the two has been like pushing a pendulum.  Through force of will, I would push myself to do all the things I felt I wanted to do to meet my goals of becoming someone whom I thought I wanted to be.  I would work long hours and concentrate with intensity. On the cushion I would try to force myself into a state of non-thought. This approach only seemed to increase the thoughts; many of which were negative. I would scold myself for non-compliance and for every "failure".    I would cut myself off from others and fall into a world of darkness.  Small talk with others seemed like a "waste of time" to me.

When I finally couldn't hold the pendulum on the side of discipline any longer, I would collapse into a type of exhaustion and the hippy would take over. At first is was such a relief to take a break from the shoulds and shouldn'ts of the dictator, but after a while the desires became obsessions and the "needs" only grew. The dictator wouldn't really go away either. He would always be in the background with a scowl on his face. Sloth and too much freedom led to addiction and non-functionality.

Freedom from this pendulum of pain only came when I saw the dictator and hippy for what they were: manifestations of ego.

The Buddha also went through this process. He was at first living in a palace where all his needs and desires were met. When he finally saw the nature of suffering and was highly motivated by his love for others, to find a way out of suffering, he started on the path of asceticism. He forced himself to deny his desires.  Over time, this path not only nearly killed him, it hardened his ego. It wasn't until he overheard a musician telling a student that the strings of the instrument shouldn't be too tight or too loose, that he realized what he had been doing.  It wasn't long after this his ego subsided and real freedom came. When his self was seen through fully, he was finally able to fully connect with life and he became a beacon of hope for this world.

A poem by Alice Gardner from a book I bought from her several years ago entitled "Life Beyond Belief"

Relationship

Holding each person 

as the perfect and amazing work 

of mystery made manifest

is the source

of the joy of truly being

with the wonder of each other.

Accepting all imperfections 

within this greater perfection

and remembering the sacredness 

of the mystery 

that made each of us

just This way,

restores our ease,

awakens our delight.

No more

becoming someone separate

to act out a drama, 

even a happy story. 

Another way has appeared: 

simply releasing any outcome,

of wanting, needing, or getting anything.

A simple acceptance of what is Here

no more, no less, than just This.

Now there is nothing

but the wondrous and total satisfaction

of being complete.

Jealousy

There are a couple forms of jealousy. I will talk about both here. First, there's the kind that arises when you are afraid of losing your lover. This is the possessive kind of jealousy, and can have the exact opposite effect on the relationship. I've seen many couples who break up over the possessiveness that one has for the other. The fear of being alone, the fear of uncertainty in the world, the fear that the partner will decide someday that you are not the one for them. All these things can seem like a threat, and threats are generally dealt with through anger and aggression.

I read an account of a man who's wife was so jealous that she would cut out all the pictures of beautiful women from all the magazines in their home so that her husband wouldn't be attracted to them. When they watched TV, he had to look away whenever any beautiful woman was on the screen. Sadly, this isn't even the darkest that this kind of mindset can take a person in a relationship. Physical violence and verbal abuse aimed at possession of another is all too common in our world. Love is beautiful, but the attachments which can arise from love can be dark and ugly and downright dangerous.

If you or someone you love is falling victim to this kind of attitude, then its a good idea to contemplate the impermanence of all experience. What experience have you ever had in your life that lasted? You could say that you can still remember that wonderful day you had way back when you were 10 years old, but that is not the experience, that is just a memory of the experience. Chugyam Trungpa, one of my favorite teachers said it best: All experience is passing memory. If you are trying to keep your lover from leaving you by possessing them, then not only are you trying to fool your self about the fundamental nature of reality, you are also very likely going to drive them away all that much faster.

I like to look at relationships and all wonderful experiences as being like a butterfly which lands in your hand and gently fans your palm. The iridescent colors and gentle impermanence of the experience make it so special that the beauty and wonder of it all are right there, asking to be experienced. What would happen if you tried to possess that butterfly by clasping your finders around it? This is what happens to your relationship when you think you need to secure it and control it.

The other kind of jealousy is completely different from the jealousy of possessiveness. This kind of jealousy is the kind when you covet another's position in life. You are jealous of their possessions, or their lover, or their accomplishments, maybe even their brain? This kind of jealousy is also known as the green-eyed monster. What happens when you feel jealous of another person? Whats going on in your head? What beliefs are being believed in? What feelings are arising? These kind of curiosities are very helpful in overcoming such a negative emotional state.

I've found that the green eyed monster is really rooted in feelings of inadequacy. Low inner self esteem and self loathing are really at the root of it. I think there is no better way to hate yourself then to be jealous of another. If you can direct that anger towards someone else instead of yourself, then at least you don't fall into a depression. Sometimes people literally sabotage friend's accomplishments just because they somehow blame their friend for their own unhappiness. By bringing their friend down, they think that that will allow them to be happy again. Its almost like a form of revenge, but not one based in reality, its one based in neurosis. Its one based in a false belief that would not stand up to the light of clear awareness.

The antidote for this kind of jealousy, and I believe your own low self esteem is sympathetic joy. Sympathetic joy is one of the four immeasurables, which are: Compassion, Equanimity, Loving Kindness, and Sympathetic joy. Why are they considered immeasurable? Because love is infinite.

How does one get into the mindset of sympathetic joy? First, you have to realize that life is not a race, its a journey. Its not a test of perfection, or a game-board where you must build yourself up into someone great that everyone will love and respect, and then, maybe you will be able to love and respect yourself. Its not that. If you don't believe me, then keep working your ass off and gain some accomplishment, and make that grand acceptance speech, and get your shiny reward, and feel temporarily good about yourself, then notice how the feeling fades. Notice how you long for more respect, more love, more acclaim, more, more, more. Its a treadmill, that only ends for some people when they die. I'm not saying that all ambition is bad, but if its motivated by an inner need to get over your own self loathing, then it will probably be a lot of work for nothing. If your ambition is based in your love for others, or in your love for a process such as an art form, or a craft, then thats a whole different thing, but ambition in the pursuit of 'becoming someone someday' is a futile and misguided approach to life which is a waste of your precious time here in this reality.

Once you realize that life is not about you, then you can start looking out there at other's and start noticing them for a change. People are really interesting. Everyone is like a snowflake, unique and special in their own way. Everyone is a one of a kind creation of this planet and this universe. They can be appreciated no matter what. So, when you see someone with a nice house, a beautiful intelligent lover, a great job, etc. Imagine how much they might have wished for those things when they were growing up? Remember all those times on the playground where kids would share their hopes for their lives? Everyone has had them. Imagine that they had them too, then revel in the fact that they actually got it. They got that big house, with the nice yard, and those wonderful kids, and their wonderful lover. Imagine how happy they felt when they finally got those things. Imagining their happiness can turn into real happiness in your heart. Realize that life is not a race, and its not something that needs to be lived perfectly. Realize that happiness is contagious, and when you feel it for other's success, you will live in real wealth. Rest in that happiness.   

Examine the Nature of Unborn Awareness

The title to this post is a suggestion from a set of suggestions, or instructions if you will. These instructions called, Lojong, if understood, can really help one move their awareness into the present moment.  These instructions also help to open our hearts to the four immeasurables; Equanimity, Sympathic Joy, Compassion, and Loving Kindness.  All these qualities will grow in us as we practice these suggestions.  Inner peace grows as the ego becomes more and more obvious.

There are many helpful suggestions in these ancient Tibetan teachings, however, many of the suggestions seem to contradict what we would normally do.  Such as "Don't expect applause".  Other instructions seem esoteric such as "Regard all dharmas as dreams", or "In postmeditation practice be a child of illusion."

What has struck me today, however, is the saying: "Examine the nature of unborn awareness."
What does that mean? Examine the nature of unborn awareness? What is unborn awareness?

Well, I think that when we wait for the unknown, we are tuned into the open pallet of the universe, or at least a little corner of it.  This place can be strongly felt at a close baseball or football game.  There's an aliveness in the air as people wait with a hint of anticipation, but not really anticipation because no one really knows how it all will unfold. No one knows what is going to happen next.  There may be commentators blathering about probabilities and stats, but no one knows when the next big play will happen and no one wants to miss it.

This is the nature of all existence. Every moment is pregnant with possibilities. Especially when other people are a part of those moments. Its the pregnant pause after you propose to the love of your life. Its the moment the ball leaves the pitchers hand. It could turn out anyway.  Some people may see the unknown as "nothing", but if this is nothing then why do people still buy tickets to see baseball games?

Unborn awareness is the awareness of the unborn.  This is aliveness.  This ever unfolding existence always consists of moments which are born out of the possibilities that are ripe to come into reality.

So, what does it mean to examine that?  How does one examine the awareness of the unborn?

Being aware of the "atmosphere" of any situation is one way.  Being aware of the atmosphere at a hometown football game with two minutes left on the clock and a tied score. If you were aware of the people and their emotional states, as well as aware of how your own body feels at that moment, you will be examining this nature, this unborn awareness.  You can be caught up in the draw of the unknown, the hopes the fears, the drama of the unfolding situation.  You can also be aware of the atmosphere of that environment.  You can feel the energy in yourself. You can be aware of the hopes and fears which rise and fall in your own body.   Its invigorating to be aware of this.  One might think its a cold way to see it. To be removed from the energy of it. But if anything, I'd say that by being aware of the energy of a situation is also at the same time completely open to the ever unfolding nature of existence. This means feeling everything you can.  Its being aware of life, and just how magical and fresh it is.  Its like you become a tuning fork which tunes into the whole situation and vibrates at the same frequency, yet is aware of the fact that it is in tune.   This is what I think examining the nature of unborn awareness is all about.  Curiosity is the key.  You can be the curios witness to any situation, and tune into the energy of whats happening right now.  Being fully alive requires nothing more.

Overcoming Boardom

I find that all the struggle that comes from wanting my experience to be "Optimum" makes my experience anything but.

On many meditation retreats and Ninthuns Ive done there always comes a point where the pain and anxiety of boredom flares up.  After the first few hours of meditation the boredom begins to intensify. Its so painful at some point that my body often knows what has to be done. To give in. Somehow, the suffering that comes from the boredom is something that has to become acute before my being just kind of gives in, and gives up. Once I give up trying to make the situation better, or more interesting, then something interesting happens. The anxiety disappears. It's the same situation, but instead of being intolerable, it can be actually quite blissful.

Giving up the notion that I have any control over the situation seems to be the main dish to eat. I really don't and didn't have much control anyway. I chose to do those retreats, and I am really glad I did. There were times when I felt like jumping up and screaming and running out of the shrine room, but I didn't. Somehow I knew that wasn't going to free me from boredom. Liberation only came when I completely gave into the situation.

Have you ever been at a checkout line that stretched on and on. You're standing there with your cart of food, waiting to pay, and as the minutes tick by, you become more and more agitated? Then, all of a sudden you just let out a big breath. A deep sigh just spontaneously happens, and although you feel sad that the effort to change your situation failed, you are somehow more at peace. Have you ever experienced that? Its really the same thing I think. Its a giving in.

Each and every situation is unique. The next time you go to the doctors office, many things will be the same, but the situation and experience will be different. There is always something different, something alive, in every moment. Being still and giving in, is the only way to notice the aliveness in every unique moment. You can only do that if you accept that the universe has put you where you are right now, for a reason. The karma of your past makes every moment of your life unfurl like a wonderful musical composition. It may not be the tune we thought "we" were making, but it is the tune which was written just for us. This might be a helpful way to look at it.

I've found that a helpful thing to do is to accept the idea that the present moment is the best moment for me, even if I can't see that. It may seem like there is something more important to do, but who can say whats most important?

Maybe what we are experiencing right now, is what is being offered, and we can experience that moment however we choose. We can be open to it as a unique moment, or we can see it as somehow a "failed" moment. What makes more sense? Accepting the present moment for what it is, giving in, and releasing the big sigh, or thinking there is always something bigger and better and brighter awaiting somewhere else?

Its like the old zen saying: If you can't find peace where you stand, then where do you hope to wander to find it?