Knowing who we are

We care so much about what people think of us.  We all do, .... well mostly.  We seem to rely on others opinions of us, and I think this is because we are fundamentally unsure about who we are.  We may think we know who we are, but deep down, there are most likely doubts.  Even doubts that have not made themselves known yet.  We look to others to let us know we are good, and lovable, and basically OK.  We are always slightly afraid that we might not be, because we all know we have the potential to do horrible things, so when someone else loves you, its kind of a relief.  Deep down we probably say, “Phew!  I guess maybe I am lovable after all.”  

We don't know if we are or not.  Its a kind of doubt.  Its an uncertainty of who we really are.   Many people ask that question all their lives.  They try out different occupations, accumulate things, and are proud of those things.  We are constantly searching for the thing, or person which will complete us. We define, or attempt to define, ourselves throughout almost our whole lives.   Even on our death bed we look back at our lives to prove to ourselves that we were a good person.     

When people think good thoughts about us, and seem to accept us for who we are, we are much more likely to accept them for who they are.   Friendships are usually possible when two people trust each other. The more they trust each other, the deeper the friendship can be.    People we don't understand, we generally don't trust, and so we often have a hard time becoming friends with people who are very different from ourselves.  People who are similar to us, are easy to be around, and more easily trusted, and so are allowed to become our friends.  We allow them inside our hearts more easily.  

The people who's opinions we don't care about are usually people we have cognitively put below us. We have judged them harshly.  Even if we do put them above us, we still have separated ourselves from them.  We have judged them as someone to be wary of in some way.  The people we have judged, are the people we put on the other side of the fence that surrounds our heart.   We only let some people inside that fence if we don't feel threatened by them, and trust them. The people we bring inside, are usually people we trust not to judge us.   Some people don't let hardly anyone inside.  They seem to have a closed door policy with just about everyone. These are usually very lonely people.  Some seem to let many others in.  Its like they have an open door policy, but with at least one house rule. No negative judgments are allowed.   

When someone on the inside,  does something mean to us, and lets us know they have made a negative judgment on us, then we really feel hurt.  It causes that underlying fear to arise. The fear that we might not be OK after all.  Maybe we really are a loser, or a jerk, or... you fill in the label.  There are a million labels we can give ourselves.  We feel bad about ourselves. Its literally painful to think that you are no good.  Real physical pain will arise from our chest.  The pain seems like tangible evidence that you are no good.  Much like the pain we feel when we touch a hot stove lets us know that there is danger, and we believe it.    So too, we believe that we are no good because we are feeling the pain of being judged harshly.   

Have you ever looked at that belief? Have you really looked at it deeply?  If you have, you have probably seen that the pain arises in response to the emotional pain you are experiencing in your head.  The emotional pain, becomes the physical pain.  So, if the pain is not from the outside, then why do we think that it really means anything?  Why do we use it as a confirmation that the belief about ourselves is true?  
Oddly enough, I've found that once you believe something like, “I'm no good, “  then the pain inside comes, you use that as evidence and believe more strongly that you are no good, and this adds to the pain. More pain, brings a more strongly held belief, which brings more pain. Its a cycle of escalating pain, both physically and mentally.  This is real suffering.  Suffering like this can leave a deep scar.  An emotional and psychological scar.  A memory of emotions which can become reactivated in a similar situation.  A trauma which we often hide, even from ourselves.  If we are emotionally scarred during our childhood, then we usually end up reliving that pain over and over again throughout our life.  Whenever the memories are triggered, we descend into this pain.  Sometimes we end up believing the negative belief about ourselves even more deeply, and our life becomes more and more dark. We become depressed, or we perhaps become a criminal, or we have a complete psychological breakdown, or we just go through life feeling really shy and sad and lonely.   This is what we do to ourselves when we believe the inner negative beliefs.   

This suffering doesn't have to happen. And if it happens it doesn't have to make a scar. It doesn't have to bring you further into doubt about who you are, and it doesn't have to drive you crazy.  There is a way to cut right through this propensity to inflict psychological harm on ourselves.   You don't need any special candles or incense. You don't even need to say any special incantations.    All you need to do, is question the belief.  “Do I know that this is so?”  How can this be true?  The only real evidence that this might be true, is the opinion of someone who was probably having a bad day.  And what if there is other evidence? What if you really did do something horrible?  Don't you also have the potential to do good things too?  How could you be bad and still have the potential to do good things?  Selfless things, like changing a dirty diaper in the middle of the night, or sitting with a friend who is feeling down.  There are so many things we have the potential to do. How can we use that as real evidence to support our negative belief about ourselves?  How can we know who we really are?  This unfortunately, can not be answered by words.  Its a knowing that each and every one of us has to find on our own.   Many never do come to know their true nature.  Others may think they know, but really don't.  They may define themselves in many ways using objects or accomplishments, or gender, or occupation, or their power over others. Even their misdeeds can be used to define who they are in a cognitive way.  But even when people think they know who they are in an intellectual way,  do they really know?    I believe that true knowing, can only happen in the heart.  

One way you can get a glimpse of your true inner nature, is to hold an infant, or a puppy.  How can a puppy be evil?  Even if he grows up to bite the hand that feeds him, how can the puppy be basically bad?  How can a baby be basically bad?  I doubt anyone could hold an infant and think that that baby is evil.  Perhaps this could happen, but it seems like it would be very rare.   

So what is the true nature of an infant. Who are they?  Are they nothing?  No, they are definitely not nothing.  Think about it. Try to remember how you felt when you held a puppy or an infant.  What do you remember?  What did it feel like deep down. Did you feel your heart stir with a light kind of joy?  Did you love that puppy unconditionally?  Did you see the glowing beauty of the infant?  A type of glowing that only your heart could sense?  

That is who you really are.  Underneath all the made up stuff about who we are, we are basically good.   When you know that, without a doubt, then you will be in a peace that reaches to the very bottom of your being.   You will realize that there is no need for life to get better. There is no need to defend yourself against psychological attacks, because what you are can not be changed, or ruined, or permanently stained in any way.   When you fully realize that there is no need to “be” anybody, then you will be free. Free from the suffering. The suffering which has pervaded our lives for a long long time. 

When you realize, intellectually that you can't be basically bad, then all you have to do when your painful memories are activated, is to remind yourself of that.  Ask yourself... How can this be true?  Deep inside, I am just like everyone else. I was a beautiful, infant at one time, and that inner core is still there.  Negative thoughts, or deeds, can not change that. They may temporarily cover that up, but underneath, the bright light of our life force is still shining.    

I believe we are like onions. We have layers.  When we are young, we are like a perfect little glowing pearl of an onion.  As we grow, we add more and more layers.  Sometimes a layer gets bruised or torn, and if we don't have the emotional tools, we just cover that broken layer up with a new layer.  These damaged layers are the source of our pain.    

Oddly enough, it is because of this pain that we are motivated to seek answers about who we are.  Its because of this pain, that we seek to find a way out of it. Most of the time, our solutions don't work.  For instance, one way of avoiding the pain of other's negative judgments, is to judge them first.  But when we do this, we often get hurt anyway, because they are more likely to judge us negatively, if we judged them first.  And although we may say that we don't care what they think, deep down we do.  Think about a time when you were hurt from someone who you just passed on the street, and gave you a dirty look for no apparent reason.  Intellectually we probably didn't care about them at all, and yet we still felt bad.  So, our solution of protecting ourselves by judging them harshly first, doesn't work. It actually causes us pain.  There are many more examples of neurotic patterns that are really dysfunctional. Our strategies just don't work. They don't really protect us from pain, and in fact often cause pain when none was coming.    Look at your own patterns and see if you can find any that  don't work.  I think that we learn these pain relieving and protective techniques when we are little children, so its no wonder that they often don't work, and often increase the pain in our lives.  

Once you've found a pattern, stop yourself, and ask... How can I know this is really true?  How can I know who that person is?  How can I really say that they are a jerk?  Are they always a jerk or just sometimes?  If they are not always a jerk, then what are they?  Can I really know?  Questioning your judgment and beliefs is very important. If you look into it with a patient, non-judgmental eye, (in other words, the eye of curiosity), then you will eventually learn, more and more thoroughly that just about everything is not really true.  They really aren't a total jerk. Maybe they have the potential to be a jerk, and maybe we don't want to be their friend, but they aren't really a real, total jerk.  We can't really know what they are.  Even if we live with someone for 40 years, you probably don't know who  they are completely.  You may think you do, but chances are they will surprise you someday.  This is because we aren't a fixed “thing” We are constantly changing, and any definition is temporary and incomplete.  

Once you realize that other people can't really be known, then no judgment you place on them will really be believable.  You have to believe your thoughts in order for them to be effective.  If you call your friend a jerk, and you don't believe it, then they will probably know that as well, and they won't believe it either. You'll both probably laugh and the judgment will have no effect. It will have no power in this world. 

Once you can see that your judgments and conclusions are empty of real meaning, then you begin to see as well that other's judgments of you are empty of any real meaning.   Once you see this thoroughly, then you realize that there is no need to defend yourself anymore.  You can stand in front of someone who is pointing their finger at you with a menacing sneer, and you will be unaffected, except maybe that you feel bad that they are believing their thoughts and judgments which is causing them pain.  

You begin to know more and more who you really are.  You get closer to the truth of the matter.  Your doubt shrinks. Along with the peace, comes the realization that you might as well bring everybody over to this side of the fence which has surrounded your heart for so long.   There is no reason not to.  

Interestingly, when you begin to accept more and more people into your heart, and you begin to give more and more people respect, then you begin to have many friends, and you are almost never lonely.   Fewer and fewer people treat you badly.  Fewer and fewer people judge you and want to hurt you.  You can become connected to others in a very deep way. You beging to see their inner beauty which is shining just as brightly as it did when they were a newborn.  Even if they act like a jerk, you still can't help but to see that light.  You know more and more thoroughly just how much you are really connected to everyone else.  

You realize that you are as connected to all life as the cells in your body are connected to you.  You begin to be careful of all living things. Their pain is your pain, their joy is your joy.  When they need something, you want to help, when you need something you are willing to let them help you.  You are connected to the life force energy of the universe, and you could never have imagined how wonderful that would be.

That is Nirvana. That is heaven.  To know that what you are is basic goodness and  that you are connected to all other life, and this is true freedom.  You will realize that the old you no longer exists. Or at least you no longer believe in it the way you did.  You will realize that your old self was empty of any real existence.  

Who you really are can not be separated from the rest of life, or even the rest of the world.   You will realize that life is a continuously flowing process like water in a water fall.  The waterfall can appear to be a solid wall of water, but if you look closely enough, it is just a process. There is a movement and a flow to it, but it is not really a solid thing.  You will realize that this is the true nature of life, and that death is as necessary as birth.  All dread and fear of death will subside.  You will realize that there is no real death.  Just change.  You will realize that death leads to birth just as birth leads to death. Nothing is lost. Its all spontaneously arising, and falling away, like waves on the ocean.  

There is no direction or outer meaning to it all except that through the process of continuous change, the universe has become aware of itself through the mind you used to think was yours.