Field of Dreams

(note: This teaching is not for everyone and should not be read by everyone. If you are reading it and feel it is upsetting or wrong to you, then stop reading it and forget about it. ) 

We are all driven by our inner beliefs. The belief that we need love drives us toward finding a lover. We probably even have a dream or vision of what kind of lover we feel we need in order to be happy. Maybe the dream includes a dream house with a dream dog and dream kids. We may think that having that house, that dog, that partner and those kids will “complete” us and then and only then can we rest and be at peace with ourselves. Hope and fear are the two emotions that drive us toward that dream. Hope that it will all work out and we will finally be truly happy; fear that we may screw it up somehow maybe by putting our foot in our mouth when we are on the first date with that dream partner.

When we are feeling lonely, sad, and empty we automatically believe that we are feeling that way because the dream hasn't materialized yet. Feelings of impoverishment and unworthiness stem from the inner belief that we will only truly be happy when that dream becomes a reality. The truth is much more sharp and harsh than that. The truth is that even when we get that dream, we still may feel sad, lonely and impoverished. 

Because another's love is almost always very conditional we will never really feel like our happiness is secure or complete. It almost seems like as long as they are getting what they need from us, they will continue to “love” us. Is our love of them conditional too? Of course it is, especially in the beginning of a relationship. In a way, getting this kind of “love” is never deeply satisfying because there is always the fear or inner knowledge that it will not last. Longing for and working hard to keep the relationship which will fix our loneliness and self doubt is like trying to use a thin band-aid to heal a large gushing gash in our chest.

Is this “love” really love or is it just an unspoken symbiotic understanding that gets each other's “needs” met. What happens when the unspoken contract is broken? Usually anger and drama ensue. What happens when your partner is cold and judgmental one morning instead of being warm and accepting? We usually blame them and feel angry that the contract was broken. When someone cheats on their partner, what are they cheating on?

Seeing the hopes and fears under our dreams is both grounding and also unsettling. Realizing the dream that we thought would make us happy isn't true, can be a sad, raw realization. Perhaps as you read this you are thinking just how untrue this is. You may feel angry that it is even being brought up. If this is the case then you will need to find out for yourself whether this is true or not. In truth we all have to come to this kind of wisdom through our own experience and the suffering that comes from having your dreams either dashed or completed. We are all attached to a lot of beliefs until we aren't. Eventually, if we are lucky, we go through so much suffering we end up giving in to the truth. The truth which comes from the realization that our suffering doesn't stem from the outside, but rather from the inside. Giving in to this truth means we have come to realize that our suffering comes from our belief in those expectations. Our attachment to those sweet, scary dreams is what causes so much pain and self loathing. A friend once told me: "Expectations are premeditated disappointments. 

To realize the the truth under our dreams means we need to stop trying to convince ourselves of something that is fundamentally not true. The kind of honesty needed to see the true ground is a fearless kind of honesty. Its also a simple honesty without agenda or criticism. Realizing that no one else besides ourselves can ever “fix” us means that we no longer feel quite as driven to make that dream a reality. The athelete who has hope that they are a “winner” and fear that they might be a “loser” may realize one day after years of trying really hard that since being a winner or being a loser is only temporary, it is at best just a thin band-aid which covers up the big gaping gash of their own self doubt. When that stark truth becomes apparent to them at last, there is a release. Afterward they may not train at all anynmore, or they may train harder but for a different reason.

The release is like a giving in or a giving up. On the rare occasion when this realization hits someone they are often very upset, yet somehow more at peace. The person who works so hard to gain other's respect and acceptance may realize someday just how futile their efforts are and may give up. If you happen to be there when that realization really hits them, you may notice that they are no longer trying to impress others. They may somehow seem more real and honest about themselves even though they are in the midst of a great emotional storm. They may be bawling their eyes out, but they are no longer worried about saying the “right” thing. After the emotional storm passes they often are much more at peace with themselves. They are real and genuine at last. When all the dreams fall apart, there is a deep realization that you don't need to “be” anybody. When the desire for the truth is greater than the desire for the dream, the dream can be seen for what it is, an empty promise. 

Striving for something for which you feel you need in order to feel happy and whole may seem like a worthwhile endeavor. Some say: 'Nothing great has ever come about without first having a dream.' This is true except that the dream that creators follow is less a dream of personal salvation and more a vision inspiration that comes from a source outside the small self. In the movie “Field of Dreams” Kevin Costner plays a mid west farmer who has a vision where he is told by an apparition: 'If you build it, they will come.' He doesn't really know what will happen or even exactly why he needs to build a baseball field, but somehow he knows that he must. Against great opposition by his wife friends and neighbors, he follows this dream and builds that baseball field. The magic that happens is legendary.  Another example: Have you ever noticed that a poem written to impress others is not nearly as good as a poem written from a deeper place of raw honesty? The dreams we have for a better future usually come from a place of dissatisfaction and impoverishment and not from a place of inspiration and aliveness.

The problem with dreams that are based in dissatisfaction is that they are usually rooted in an inner belief that there isn't enough already. The woman who can't leave the house without makeup on likely has a deep seated belief that she isn't beautiful enough as she is. Whenever she wears makeup it deepens her inner belief that she isn't OK as she is. In this was the very quest for the dream reinforces the inner beliefs that we don't already have what is needed. The guy who tries really hard to impress a woman into loving him reinforces the inner fear that he is not lovable as he is. The inner belief creates the reality. This is one of the main ways we create our own suffering.

One of the biggest obstacles in a person's spiritual development is what Chugyam Trungpa Rinpoche called “Spiritual Materialism.” Spiritual Materialism is the belief that one's own personal growth and realization is a building up process. One who is caught up in this view believes that the more pious and “good” you act, the more realized you become. The notion or dream that one must try hard through force of will to overcome their own human desires and tendencies in order to get into Heaven, or to reach Nirvana, is at the heart of this view. The view that if you are great at acting like a saint, God will bless you and allow you into heaven, stems from the inner belief that you are not good enough as you are. Being perfect is often the goal and standard one strives for when they have this view. The dream to become enlightened or to become an angel is often the source and motivation for spiritual seekers. Unfortunately the seeking reinforces the inner belief that they do not have what it is they seek.

Many enlightened people have said that you already have what it is you seek. The Buddha once told a parable of a man who was outwardly very poor, yet all the while he didn't even know that he had a treasure chest buried in his basement. The fact that we already have Buddha nature or what some call basic goodness is like the treasure that is each and every one's birthright. It is said that it can not be undermined or destroyed, yet we have a hard time understanding that or seeing it to be true. 

There are many accounts of people suddenly becoming enlightened after giving up in some way. Adyashanti was a spiritual seeker who put in great effort to become someone “great.” He would always be the first in the meditation hall and would push himself to exhaustion trying to suppress his thoughts while meditating. One day, out of extreme exhaustion from trying so hard, he finally gave up. When the dream to become enlightened finally collapsed he was left standing in a place of complete honesty. His ego could not exist in the face of such honesty and he realized the true nature of the self and also that he was already what he sought.

Spiritual materialism is in a way a place of dishonesty about oneself. The belief that one must act like a saint in order to become one is backwards from how it really is. The realization of the nature of self or the nature of ego is actually a grounding in an extreme form of honesty. When one sees the ego for what it is, then most if not all desires fall apart. The need to be someone great is seen through as just another dream. When there is no one to defend and fend for, then all that is left is pure unconditional love for life and for others. The saint like behavior comes from this place of realization, not the other way around.

When the ego is seen through in this way and one's dreams for a better future fall apart, then one's efforts can be directed by a situation instead of for an agenda. Great things have happened when people allow their efforts to be pulled by a situation instead of being pushed by a personal dream. The most profound art came about because the artist was pulled to create it. It was as if their body and skills were being used by a larger force to be a part of something that had a life of its own. The notion that they created the art is not really correct. The creation was really only possible when their ego got out of the way. Yet, often after the creation is complete the ego jumps in and feels that it was the creator and owner of the work.  In actuality the creative force of life is what directed and drove them.  The creations that came from these selfless efforts not only were beautiful but also deeply inspiring. In order for this creative process to happen, all you need to do is give in to it and to give up the notion that you will only be happy when  (you can fill in the blank).  

On Dismantling Your Suffering

I think from my own experience suffering comes from some reaction to an event. For instance, I still feel my body become angry or perhaps saddened when I feel that someone is judging me harshly. I've found that when I am aware that I am "suffering" I am somehow not caught up in it quite so much. If I am angry and I notice that I am "angry" then I usually remember to become interested in just the feeling in my body. Its a habit worth cultivating. Each flavor of suffering feels different in the body. Anger, for me feels like energy coursing through all my veins with the center being in my chest. Its really interesting to watch it. Sadness also is interesting to notice. They all are. Some feeling states are much more subtle than others. Arrogance is much more subtle than Animosity.

Its also interesting to notice how certain thoughts arise automatically when certain feeling states are present. Like when I notice someone scowl at me, my body instantly recoils and this starts a cascade of thoughts which are always on the theme of "How dare they think these things" or "They are such a jerk." Being aware of the body's feelings and the thoughts that come up when those feelings are present is a really interesting, almost scientific way of finding peace within the storm while at the same time learning about who you are.  

One caveat to this approach however, is: If you seek peace or to get rid of the feelings, you will find only suffering even if you are feeling the feelings. I've found that the way out of suffering is to drive your awareness with curiosity, and the desire to really learn about your "self." You may notice that the feeling state can not survive without the thoughts that come from the feeling state being believed in. If you are more interested in feeling your feelings fully, rather than getting caught up in the automatic thoughts/beliefs, then you are not dragging your feet while at the same time you are not really "doing" anything. Since awareness isn't really "doing" anything, and has no real goal other than just to be aware there need be no effort or resistance in it. There is just curiosity which is playful if anything. Over time I've found that I don't get angry much anymore. Its like some programming that created itself has been seen through more and more thoroughly over time until you just know in your bones that there is no reason to take life so personally anymore. Its just life. :-)

When I am not aware that I am suffering then I am actually suffering. I am "dragging my feet" so to speak or as I like to say: 'I can suffer as much as I want.' This is because I will suffer over and over until I do notice it. Being aware that you are suffering, and being interested in just the feeling state, and moving your awareness there with gentle curiosity is the key that I've found to seeing my attachments for what they are, and seeing "my ego" for what it is. It requires no "effort" to be aware of your suffering, it only takes courage and curiosity to feel your feelings as fully as you can when they come up.  

I've found that over time my courage to feel the difficult feelings has increased because I realize that I can make it through. For instance the second time I got my heart broke it was somehow easier.  Living life with more courage is a side effect of dismantling the suffering through mindfulness of body practice. As long as you do it out of curiosity instead of a desire for internal peace it will eventually have the result of bringing more peace. Having more courage to feel whatever feelings come up will likely lead to many good things in your life aside from just feeling less suffering.

An Argument against Social Darwinism

Social Darwinism is a theory which equates human social organization with natural selection. “Survival of the fittest” is the mantra of social Darwinism which is a justification of social stratification, and exploitation of the weak by the powerful. Many rich and powerful people these days, believe wholeheartedly in it as can be seen in the documentary by Jamie Johnson called “Born Rich.” Many wealthy people believe in social Darwinism to such an extent that they feel justified in exploiting those who are weaker and feel that all forms of greed are “good” regardless of who suffers. Many con artists have justified defrauding others by pointing out that its always been a world where the strongest have survived. Using the natural world as a philosophical foundation that underlies their belief that they are doing the right thing by being greedy, selfish and ultimately sociopathic people have, started wars, gotten unfair laws passed, and basically have used all their mental capacity to accumulate wealth and power at the expense of everyone else. Social Darwinism combined with scientific materialism (which is a form of nihilism in my opinion), is a deadly brew for our species and our planet.

One of the main proponents of social Darwinism was Ayan Rand. Arguably she was a simplistic social philosopher and a social Darwinist to her core. She did her best to use scientific materialism which she coined objectivism, and the notion that greed is good, to nullify any natural morality her acolytes had. Many of her followers trained themselves to negate any natural feelings of empathy or compassion because, according to her, those emotions are a source of weakness in a world ruled by the law of “survival of the strongest.” Ayan Rand herself had a very sad childhood in Russia where her middle class family had lost two businesses to the Bolshevik revolution. Her hatred of collectivism blossomed into a general hatred of humanity according to twobiographies. Here is a great article from Slate.com which summarizes the sad story of her life and the underpinnings of her philosophy.

According to these biographies she viewed sociopaths as heroes. This can clearly be seen in her diary entry about the serial killer in the early 1930's named William Edward Hickman, whom she labeled a “genuinely beautiful soul” . She saw his lack of morality as a sign of ultimate strength and thus noble, despite his tendency to kidnap, kill and dismember little girls. He was caught and executed. Her only lament of his fate was that he “was not strong enough.”

Many of the worlds most powerful people believe in the notion that only the strongest survive and so therefore only the strongest deserve to win in the game of life. They believe that morality is a human construct which weighs down the movers and shakers of the world, who, if they pursue their own greedy motivations as far as possible, will raise up society with their capitalist ventures. They believe that greed is good, and compassion, generosity, and a sense of obligation to a greater good is weakness. Social Darwinism seems to be a convenient mental view or belief system which negates morality and justifies harming others simply because “might makes right.”

Is social Darwinism true? As a theory does it hold up to scrutiny? Does the notion that the natural world works through the law of survival of the fittest really conform to the actual evidence. I would say it doesn't. If a lion runs after a herd of gazelles, they only kill the ones who are not going fast enough. So, in order to survive you only have to run just fast enough to escape, you don't have to be the fastest gazelle in the bunch. If a lion is chasing a herd of gazelles, does the lion kill all of the gazelles except the strongest individual? No, the lion only kills the slowest. If all were killed except the strongest individuals then that species would most likely go extinct due to lack of genetic diversity.

Its been shown time and again that when a species is reduced to a small enough number whereby their genetic diversity becomes too limited, then that species is usually doomed after only a few generations. For example, even though they had survived when 95% of their fellow tigers didn't, their offspring down the road have succumb to more illness and genetic defects because of the lack of genetic diversity due to in breeding. Siberian tigers are an example of a species where only the strongest survived and because of that they will likely may become extinct due to lack of genetic diversity.

So, in a situation where a Lion catches the slowest gazelle and all the rest escape then the majority of gazelles will live another day and reproduce regardless of whether they are the strongest or not. Because most of the gazelles survive, genetic diversity is maintained and the resiliency of the community to illness and disease is preserved. Mother nature doesn't want just the strongest to survive, she wants as many as possible to survive so that diversity and vitality is preserved and thus equilibrium is maintained. Mother Earth strives for harmony in ecosystems and this is achieved through balance. If a new species of animal were to evolve or be planted here on Earth which were as strong and dangerous of a species as anything the imagination could dream up, then wouldn't it just wipe out its own food supply and eventually parish itself? Given that the natural world stays in balance through a process where generally only the weakest die, how can one claim that only the strongest deserve to survive? Many wealthy and powerful people feel justified in harming others because they have convinced themselves that they are chosen by nature to win and only the winners count in a world where survival of the fittest is supposedly the rule of nature.

However it doesn't take much contemplation to realize that its not a world like that. Instead of being a world which is governed by the rule of “survival of the fittest” its actually a world governed by the natural law of survival of the just fit enough. It may not seem like a big distinction, but it is. In a world where the law of survival is to be just fit enough, most of the community can still exist and interact and live their lives as a part of a greater whole. The interconnectedness of the species in an ecosystem is dependent on each population to be not too big and not too small. The balance is maintained by the natural law of survival of the just fit enough not the erroneous notion of survival of the fittest. Whenever a situation arises in nature where only the strongest of a species survive, then that species is likely doomed. This is not opinion, this is observable fact.

This pattern holds true for human economies as well. Capitalism, for example works best when there is a lot of competition, or in other words, a good diversity of businesses makes for a robust and vital economy which benefits everyone, not just the “winners.” The weakest businesses may fail but the majority survive, grow and adapt to changes. However, because of the fundamental structure of capitalism where money is used to make more money, eventually the largest businesses prevail and force the others to get bought out or fail. Eventually a few large businesses cause the failure of all other smaller ones by mergers and often unfair business practices. Once a monopoly is established , that sector of the economy becomes more and more exploitative of the population and eventually saps consumers to the point where they become too poor to buy the very goods that the monopoly produces. The system will eventually fail when survival of the fittest is the rule. Band-aids such as expansion of consumer debt can stave off the inevitable by loaning back some of the money taken from the consumers so they can continue to consume, but eventually the populace can no longer afford all the debt and interest and can no longer continue buying those goods. Eventually the system collapses. This has happened many times throughout history. A business that becomes too strong will eventually fail for the very reason that a species which becomes too strong, fails. Survival of the fittest eventually causes the system to become unbalanced and it collapses. Being too strong is just as bad for a species, and a business as being too weak. This is why in ecosystems you will not usually see a native species that is out of balance with the rest of the ecosystem because it is too strong. There are many examples of invasive species that are too strong for the non native ecosystem they were placed in and eventually because they were too strong they cause the ecosystem to become unbalanced. Because those species also depend on that ecosystem they themselves often fail. This is why survival of the just strong enough is a viable foundation for an ecosystem while survival of the strongest is not.

So social Darwinism is a fundamentally flawed theory which does not really work in the long run because it destroys diversity, and balance and eventually causes systemic collapse. Many wealthy and powerful people cling to social Darwinism because it allows them to feel they are doing the right thing when in fact they are not. They see basic human traits such as compassion, empathy, generosity and they see social conventions of morality and ethics as nothing more than weaknesses. This erroneous belief that greed is good, leads them to do many heinous acts, such as starting needless wars, or torturing those who oppose them. Social Darwinism is as fundamentally false as the notion of the divine right of kings.

So if greed isn't really good after all and I think its fair to say that spiritual masters of all times agree that it isn't, does this mean that compassion, generosity, loyalty, ethics and morality are not weaknesses? Yes! In fact compassion, generosity, ethics, loyalty, and morality are very likely ancient survival traits and here's how. During times when food, and resources were scarce, or when dangers were prevalent many animals evolved to band together in groups. This proved to be a powerful survival strategy. A pack of wolves is much more likely to survive than a single wolf. Humans are social creatures not by chance, but because that is what worked. Our ability to communicate and share ideas would not have come into play if we had not evolved the survival strategy of banding together in groups. Those traits that increased group cohesiveness were the traits needed for survival for most of the time that humans have been on Earth. Those who exhibited ruthless greed and had no compassion or sense of morality were most likely banished from the tribe or killed. Being ostracized from the group put them at a serious disadvantage in a hostile world, not to mention the fact that they would have been much less likely to reproduce. Those who exhibited loyalty, generosity, compassion, and morality were respected and protected by the group. This is true even today. This is why most people have the capacity to feel compassion, and why most people have a default tendency to do whats right, especially when their actions are being observed by others. The reason why sociopaths only comprise approximately 5% of the population is likely because those traits were actually a weakness and individuals who had those traits were weeded out of the gene pool. Their lack of compassion, loyalty, ethics and morality in actuality made them the weakest of their group and likely got them killed young because of it.

In the past, sociopathic traits were actually an evolutionary weakness but today is that still true? Today the community of humans has become so large that sociopaths are rarely ostracized or killed, and because they can retain a certain degree of anonymity they can predate on other humans for quite some time before being arrested, and put in jail. Does this mean being a cold hearted predator is a strength now? In the long run it isn't. For instance, a contractor who cheats and fools people may make more money than their ethical competitors but in the long run they will ruin their own reputation and will have to move to a different city or state. Martin Schkreli who famously raised the price of several life saving drugs to astronomical levels after acquiring their patents was recently put in jail because he made no pretense about his lack of compassion or ethics.   He is facing decades in jail for fraud and will be universally reviled for a long time to come. Did ruthlessness and a lack of morality serve him well? In the short run, perhaps, but in the long run, it didn't.

On a larger scale, a fascist government may seem strong to some, but eventually the world rises up against them an wipes them out. Its clear that both on an individual level as well as a collective level a lack of compassion, morality and ethics is not a strength after all. Ayn Rand was completely wrong, and given that she died alone and miserable its seems clear that even she was not served by her own philosophy.

So even from a purely selfish point of view, having compassion for others, being generous and kind to others, living by a high moral standard are all signs of our strength as a human and not our weakness.  

Mindfulness Practice

I just found a really easy and straightforward practice that you can do to develop more mindfulness. 

Mindfulness is awareness. Awareness which can be tuned in to our life at any time. When we practice being mindful, we are actually filling our mind with what is really going on right now. For instance we can be mindful of an ant walking across our kitchen floor. We can get on our knees and really look at this small being. We may have all sorts of judgements about the ant being on our kitchen floor; we may hate that ant because it represents the “chaos” of nature infiltrating our well controlled environment. We may see that ant and jump to the conclusion that we must regain control of our life and to do so requires that we kill it because that ant will bring his colleagues into our house and surely cause our world to collapse. But if we don't really believe the ultimate truthfulness of our conclusions and judgements about that ant, and we just look without wanting anything to be different, then we are moving toward the pure awareness which underlies our judgmental awareness. This underlying awareness is the source of all beauty and it is our connection to our real life. The one that's happening while we are busy keeping everything under our control. If we see the ant as a unique experience just like the whirling plastic bag in the movie American Beauty, then we will see the sacredness of that ant.

Meditating is a great way to condition your mind so that it can see the underlying beauty of life, but it has its pitfalls. One such pitfall is that its easy to feel as though we are failing whenever we find ourselves thinking. We may not realize that the noticing of a thought is the gap between thoughts and when we notice that we are thinking, (before we scold ourselves for thinking), we are falling into the state of mindfulness. The ego hates this state so it wants to fill the gap with self admonishment, or even just the label “thinking” which implies that we were doing something that we shouldn't have. Noticing can be just pure awareness if we also notice the thoughts that come up after we noticed the first thought. When you lay your head on your soft pillow at the end of a long day, do you say, “pillow” ? Probably not, you probably just experience the bliss at least for a few moments anyway. This is the gap.

So, I have a mindfulness practice to offer, and I have to say it seems to be a good one for developing mindfulness because you can tell right away when your awareness has drifted away. Here's how you do it.

The next time your dish strainer or dishwasher is full, instead of putting the dishes away as fast as you can, try putting them away without making any noise, or as little noise as possible. In order to do this, you have to really pay attention to every little movement and you have to go slow. If you find yourself getting annoyed and frustrated then you can stop and feel that feeling state out of curiosity. You can contemplate what it is that is so annoying about the practice as well. As you practice this, you will see that in order to take each spoon out of the silverware cage, you have to have an almost intense amount of awareness. Just picking up and putting a spoon down on the table without noise requires that you are really paying attention to what you are doing. Just like looking at the ant with intense curiosity, you can notice every little nuance of spoon and you can notice how that spoon is resting on the fork underneath it. When you aren't paying attention then the spoon, fork, bowl will make a noise. It may make a noise anyway, but its not about getting it right, its about moving your awareness into the state of mindfulness. Whenever I do this practice, I have a great time because its kind of like a game as well as a great doorway into mindfulness. If its not fun then maybe you are taking the whole practice too seriously. There is no prize for getting it right, except that you will be living more fully and have access to the true beauty and wisdom of this world.       

A Few Tips for Virgins Who Don't Want to Be

OK... here's a few tips for virgins who don't want to be virgins for their whole life. If you are offended by references to sexuality then why are you reading this? 

1. If you are a male, go to Nevada. Prostitution is legal there. This takes the foot in mouth problem out of the equation and all you have to do is fork over the cash and put on a condom.  If you feel really bad about yourself and have a lot of anxiety around flirting, or courting, then maybe you should just go pay for sex once and have that experience and then you might not have to worry about it as much. Eventually, you will probably want to find someone who you can have a real relationship with, but if your anxiety around not ever having sex is making you all tongue tied and you can't feel at peace enough to even carry on a conversation with a woman, then you might want to get the sex thing out of the way by just paying for it.  Be safe and legal about it though. 

2. If you are a woman, then just try asking.  Believe it or not, if a guy is single, and is offered no strings attached sex, they will probably say yes, if you ask discretely. If they say no, then just know, that nobody in the world is attractive to everybody, besides, he might be gay, or she might not be. If you really want to have sex then just try asking. If you want intimacy, then that's something else entirely. Making love is an expression of the intimacy that has to be there in the first place if you want sex to be intimate. That means you have to get close to someone as a friend and eventually, maybe a lover. There are strings attached at that point, and it can be a problem to just ask, but if you think your friendship is strong enough to survive that jolt, then try it. It could expand a friendship into a relationship. They may feel the same and are hoping to have sex with you and are too afraid to ask, or don't know how to ask.  

3. The most important thing to remember and remind yourself of, is that your worth as a human being is measured in countless ways, and most of the time we are the only ones doing the measuring. Instead of saying to ourselves under our breath, "No one in the world will ever love Me." after a rejection, try saying, "Maybe they are still recovering from a difficult breakup?" There are countless reasons why one person rejects another as a sexual partner or encounter. Its really hard to know what is going on in other people's heads. So if we have to find an explanation, why not choose to believe in something which is not self destructive? Besides, why would we want to be with someone who can't see our inner beauty? You probably can't see everyone's inner beauty, but you can probably see some people's inner beauty, so why would it be any different for anyone else. There are people out there who can see your inner beauty. When you meet them, you will probably be able to tell right away.

4.  Its so easy to take rejection personally, but there really isn't much that's personal about it.  There are a million reasons why someone says no.  If you have ever heard of the Kinsey Reports you will know that everyone has their own level of sexual drive. If a person with almost no sexual drive isn't sexually attracted to us, then why should we be surprised? It doesn't mean that we aren't any good as a person, it just means that we didn't ask the right person. If the reason you are not getting out into the world is because you are afraid of being rejected, then your fear is creating your reality. If you did get out into the world and take chances, then sooner or later you would meet someone you have a spark with. You can't win if you don't play. Your fear of rejection is a much larger obstacle then what you look like, or how clever you are, or how tall you are, or how fit you are. There are many beautiful, clever people who never meet anyone because they are afraid of rejection. Face your fears and you will overcome them.

5. Sex is not a big deal. It sure seems like a big deal before you have ever had it, but its really not. Ask anyone who has been married for a few years. What is a big deal, is the relationship. Learn how to be good at relationships, and you will save yourself a lot of headaches and heartaches in the future when you finally do find yourself in a relationship. Learn from other's mistakes and successes; be observant and curious (but not too judgmental) about other's relationships.  

6. Learn to get into the habit of thinking positively about yourself. If you are looking for love to finally feel good about yourself, then good luck. How you feel about yourself comes from within and you will never be able to be OK with yourself forever by just relying on a lover's love.  I've known many who had loving lovers but still thought of themselves as "shit".  Our daily internal dialog is what sets the tone, and if you learn to observe your thoughts you may notice what you are habitually saying to yourself. Is your internal dialog self critical? A self critical internal dialog will eventually lead you to feeling really bad about yourself.  You can change that over time.  In fact, self confidence is the main thing that makes you attractive to others, not looks. Self confidence comes from believing in yourself as a basically good person, someone who is worthy of love.  Every day we come to negative conclusions about ourselves that are just not true, or at least can not be known with certainty.   In other words, we beat ourselves up. Try getting into the habit of being positive. Make a mental list before you go to sleep at night. List the things you liked about the day, list the accomplishments you may have made. List the things you will do in the future that will be great. Or make a list of the traits you have that serve as evidence you really are basically good and lovable; maybe not perfect, but deep down good. Forgive yourself for not being perfect. Nobody ever is. Learn to love yourself, because most other people will not be able to love you if you haven't learned to love yourself first.  If you learn deep down that you are lovable, and basically good, then it won't matter if you meet the right person because you will be comfortable with being alone. When you are comfortable in your own skin then when you do meet someone you have a spark with you will be much more likely to be able to form a healthy, happy relationship with them that is based on mutual respect and love and not one based on insecurity and fear. 

Learning to challenge and see through your self doubt is the biggest task we all face as human beings.  When you overcome your self doubt, and self loathing, you will be at peace whether you are still a virgin or not.     

On Being a Bodhisattva

What does it mean to be a Bodhisattva? Does it mean you have to be a super human with super-powers who flies in the moment someone is in distress and you fix the day with your superior skillful means? Is it about being someone great?  Is being a Bodhisattva a goal of personal achievement where you start by helping others when they clearly need it, and over time become better and better at helping until you are like the Bodhisattvas of the past?

I would say.... no. This is not what it means to be a Bodhisattva.  In fact this is the trap that our ego sets to prevent us from being helpful to others. Egos are so clever at turning altruism into paths toward personal greatness.  When I first took the Bodhisattva vow, I thought that it was about helping others.  It is in a way, but not from the perspective of  a selfish personal agenda no matter how subtle that agenda is. In fact, what I found is that trying to be helpful to others from the perspective of becoming great never works.  In the past when I tried to help others I didn't usually realize that I was really motivated largely by selfishness, and not by any real care for the person I was "trying" to help.  Whenever I tried to help, it would almost always backfire in some way.  The "help" would turn out to either separate them from me or  make the situation worse for them.

A good example of this kind of egoic negative consequence born out of good intentions is the temperance movement of the late nineteenth and early twentieth century.  Many temperance activists thought they were saving society from the scourge of alcohol by working hard at making it illegal. The end result was arguably much worse for society.  It didn't really stop people from drinking alcohol, instead it caused a huge black market to develop which was fertile ground for organized crime to gain a real foothold in our country. Organized crime syndicates didn't go away after prohibition was repealed, they only grew into other black markets such as prostitution, racketeering, money laundering, as well as having many other corruptive influences on society. I think its fair to say that their good intentions backfired and actually made the world worse than it had been.

Once I realized that the ego was hijacking my attempts at being more helpful I really stopped trying to be helpful for fear that I would do more harm than good.  I think a lot of people who take the Boddhisattva vow fall into this same hole.  It is very crippling to realize that even when you want to help, there is a good chance that you will create more harm in the long run if you try.  Its easy to lose faith in your ability to be truly helpful and its easy to come to the conclusion that you need to be fully enlightened before you can be truly helpful to others.  Then and only then, we tell ourselves, will we have the wisdom and skillful means to be truly helpful.

Luckily, I didn't fully believe in that line of thinking. I still thought, that there must be a way to be truly helpful to others even before my ego went away.  I'm glad to say that I did find a way. Its so simple that its very easy to miss.  I've found through my observations that in order to be truly helpful to others you have to truly care about them first.  I found that if you really really care about someone then you really don't even need to do anything to be helpful. Just the act of really caring about them is often helpful in and of itself. If you truly care about someone then I believe its pretty darn hard to screw it up, because your ego is out of the picture.  When you truly care about someone and they need help, its usually pretty obvious what needs to be done, and its usually pretty easy to do it.  People sense when you really care about them, and so the process of "helping" them becomes more of a process of solving a problem with them rather than for them.  When you really care about someone, its really easy to give them things they need. The gifts really mean a lot to them too, because its not done out of pity its done out of friendship and maybe even love.  Pity is a form of being superior to others and that is just ego trying to make you into someone you are not.  No one is superior to anyone else in the same way that apples are not superior to oranges.

So, if you want to become a better Bodhisattva the path is very simple and very clear, but not necessarily very easy.  You have to recognize the strategies and habits the ego uses to separate you from other. You have to realize that you are as equally important as the other no matter what differences in ability or status there may be between you.  You have to realize that every living entity is sacred and dynamic and everyone is a one of a kind masterpiece in their own unique way.

You have to be able to recognize when you are judging someone and remember at that moment that any reasons you may have to judge them are only from a narrow finite perspective and not from the broader truth that it is not up to us to decide whether someone else is worthy of our help, or if they "deserve" to be helped. The only thing we can truly know about someone else is that they are a manifestation of the one big life that we are all apart of and are born out of.  The universe is so vast and time in both directions is so infinite that how can we say with any certainty that this person is "good" and that person is "bad"?  If we have all had many lives as so many Buddhas have said, then how can we judge?  They are who they are right now, but that doesn't mean they will be that way forever.

According to Karma theory we all have the tendencies that we do because of the habits developed in the past.  Since we are always changing, isn't it totally fallacious to assume that just because someone is a jerk today that they will always be that way?  We have most likely seen in ourselves the wide range of persons we can be depending on what the circumstances are in the moment.  We can be a saint and a sinner all in the same day. We can be stupid in some ways and really smart in others. We can have a big heart at times and almost no heart at others.  If these things are true of ourselves, then why wouldn't it be true of others too? How can we judge?

If you want to become a useful person in this world and truly accomplish something that will last and reverberate throughout time, then learn to love others unconditionally.  Learn to see their beauty, and we all have that beauty at our core no matter what heinous crimes or misdeeds we may have done.  Look for that beauty instead of looking for perfection. There is no perfection because perfection is always an oversimplification of life. The beauty of life shines in us all equally because as Eckhart Tolle says, we don't have a life, we are life.

If you can't see the beauty in another person, then contemplate what mental habit you are using to separate and elevate yourself above them, and question the validity of that belief.  If we can see the beauty in another just as their mother or father did when they were born, then we will have a heart of love for them, and they will sense it.  It will be incredibly healing for them and probably for you too.  I've found that usually the hardest heart has a soft core just underneath.  Look for that rather than convincing yourself that they are bad to the core.  Learning how to love unconditionally is the true work of a Bodhissatva and when one can master that, they will be truly helpful to all.  

Harboring Resentments

In our lives we are always watching out for ourselves. We have many techniques to help maintain our self, and a big category of these techniques is to keep ourselves separate from others. Our ego is always looking for a reason to separate. Hate, resentment, pity, jealousy, are just a few emotional states that drive the actions which separate us from others.

Have you ever noticed that people who seem to be really good at hating others, end up alone and miserable? Its no surprise when you think about it. The habit of finding fault in others, can lead one to feel superior and this kind of deep self delusion separates us from others. We think we are looking out for ourselves, but in fact we are making our self miserable, and small. How is that helpful in bringing more happiness to our lives? 

Another technique our ego uses to separate us is jumping to negative conclusions about other's motives, especially when they did something which harmed us. Harboring resentment or hidden anger towards others while all the while smiling, is a particularly good way to keep ourselves separate from others, especially friends. When a friend slights us, we often jump to the conclusion that they had it out for us, and meant us harm. We assume they were thinking along those lines, and anger and resentment get raised. If we run these stories over and over in our head, then all past positive experiences with that friend are forgotten and they become an enemy to us. We usually don't confront them about it either because it would be too exhausting to try and justify our decision to begin hating them if we had to argue with them about it. No, its much much easier to just keep our hatred secret, or at least to keep it secret from them. 

You can hear the resentment (and growing hatred) in inner commentary such as: “He left the toilet seat up again! He knows how much I hate that! Arrrrgh!” , “They didn't even offer to help.” , “He said that just to hurt my feelings!”  , "She knew how important this was and she didn't even try. She doesn't care about me!" There are endless other examples, but how can we really know what they are thinking? We can't, so why not assume the positive: "I'm sure they didn't really mean me harm, they were probably just lost in their thoughts."  Some people do have this habit of seeing the bright side in every situation. This kind of positive karma serves them well usually because they are the ones that have a lot of friends, and are always getting invited to the best parties.  So if believing the worst in someone else's motives doesn't really serve us well, then why do we do it over and over again?  The truth is, you can't know what someone else's thoughts are unless you ask them, and they are honest with you about it. So hidden resentments are usually predicated on the belief that you can know what they are thinking. How silly is that? 

If hidden resentment were not kept hidden, then usually it would be resolved and you would still be able to be friends, or lovers with the other. Is that what the ego wants? Unfortunately, no. That's not what the ego wants. The ego wants you to be separate. It is always looking for evidence of separateness because its a falsehood that must be maintained if the ego is to survive. If and when you get the courage to confront the person who "wronged" you, chances are it will be some kind of miscommunication. In my life, I would say that about 90% of the time the other person I was so mad at, didn't have any ill will towards me, they were just not being mindful, and happened to say what they said without really meaning it. Although they didn't put the toilet seat down, it wasn't their passive aggressive jab at you as you had originally thought. It was just them being lost in thought which is something that happens to all of us a lot of the time. If the majority of time you confronted other people you were angry at, and you did it in a way that minimized the chance of getting their anger aroused, you probably wouldn't be able to stay mad at them for long. You could start caring for them again.

When someone holds on to resentment and keeps their anger hidden, then all that is obvious to others is that there is a tension in the room. Have you ever felt that tension in a room of people where there's unresolved issues? I've heard of dramas that last generations. “So and so's father did this to our father back in 1973 and that's why we don't want to have anything to do with them anymore.” Have you ever heard this kind of thing? I have. Decades of friendship lost because of hidden resentments that are usually based on some miscommunication. Even when supposed wrong doings are talked about, and then yelled about, and maybe even fought about physically, it often releases the tension and people can be friends again. Have you ever had or known friends who had to fight out their anger towards one another until they could be friends again? They literally had to punch and get punched before they could be friends again. The tension was that strong.

So what happens when tensions are not resolved? What happens when the fake smiles become obvious to all, but never get resolved? Friendships are destroyed, divorces happen, families break apart. Does that sound like a good strategy for long term happiness? Ironically, the very reason we often use for not airing our annoyances and resentments with our friends and family is that we don't want to damage our relationship with them. Is this really true? How can it be? How can putting on a fake smile and acting like everything is OK will help us maintain a relationship? The negative belief, whether stated or not, is an energy state that people can feel. People often know or at least suspect when you are mad at them. I think its happened to all of us. So when resentments are not talked about,  the wedge is driven in, and the relationship is split apart. The truth is, relationships are damaged far more by harboring resentments then by talking about them. Is this separation really an unrealized side effect of harboring resentments, or is this kind of pushing away the main, hidden goal? If we really wanted to stay close to our friends and loved ones then we would work out our differences rather than put on fake smiles around them. If we really wanted to stay close, wouldn't we just say: “Hey... do you mind putting down the toilet seat when you're done? That drives me crazy.” People who are serious about maintaining relationships are often fearless when it comes to airing their resentments. Hopefully they find ways to say what needs to be said in a respectful, open way, but even when they don't and they get into an argument, in the end their friendship becomes stronger because of that honesty.

Its like plate tectonics. Two giant geologic plates of the Earth's crust move in opposite directions causing friction, and deformation to build up where they meet. The longer the tension builds deep under ground, the bigger the quake will be when the day comes that that the final straw is dropped onto the back of that weary camel. Relationships are kind of like that. The longer you hold onto a negative judgement against another, the more separate you will be from them and the harder it will be to talk about it. The ego loves this process. This process also is the cause of a lot of stress and misery too. A happy couple can turn into a hateful couple if hidden judgments and resentments are not aired out and resolved.

The ego loves to create suffering and is so good at it. The antidote is seeing it. When you see some aspect of your ego, then you know right then and there that at least you are not that which you see. If you notice that you have been going over in your head again and again about what a lazy jerk so and so is, and you see that aspect of ego in that belief, you are no longer lost in the belief. The belief really loses its power over you when you see that its just another strategy employed by the ego to separate you from others. The best attitude to have when observing the ego is similar to that of a grandparent who is watching their grand kids. Its a forgiving panoramic kind of view. When you can laugh at yourself you have this view. If you are scolding yourself when you see yourself making negative judgments against others, then chances are, you won't notice that tendency in yourself too often because you are training yourself to not go there. You are training yourself to ignore the imperfections rather than laugh at it all. Seeing the ego from the self improvement perspective is just another aspect of the ego. Seeing the ego with the perspective of loving kindness towards your self, is putting one foot out of the jail cell of the ego.  

How much do you really care for your friends?  How important are they to you?  Is it worth it to harbor resentment and later hatred toward them just because you think you know what is going on in their head? Fearlessness to confront the scary places is the path of the spiritual warrior. That's a path of personal growth,  empowerment and connection. Shying away from the hard conversations is not going to make you happier. It almost always has the same result: separation, and hatred.  Just what the ego always wanted.