Discipline and the Middle Path

It seems to me that we all have two sides to our motivation. Its like two little selves, one on each shoulder. One little me is dressed in tie dye robes, has long hair and hasn't showered or shaved for months. This is the hippy in us. The hippy is motivated by our desires and needs. Freedom and excitement are Hippy's mantra.

On the other shoulder is a little self dressed in polished shoes and pressed pleated pants. They have a thick belt with a polished brass belt buckle. Their jacket is tan or olive green and adorned with metals and ribbons. This is the dictator. The dictator in you wants to build the self up into something great. Strength of will, control and discipline are its mantra. Scorn of anything which strays from the path of "rightness" is quick to flow from its mouth.

We all have to deal with these two tendencies throughout our lives. At times the hippy is dominant and we fall into sloth and addiction. At times the dictator is dominant and we work really really hard at meeting our goals and forcing ourselves to comply with a strict regimen and  practice. The more uncomfortable we are, the more accomplished we feel.

In my own experience, switching between the two has been like pushing a pendulum.  Through force of will, I would push myself to do all the things I felt I wanted to do to meet my goals of becoming someone whom I thought I wanted to be.  I would work long hours and concentrate with intensity. On the cushion I would try to force myself into a state of non-thought. This approach only seemed to increase the thoughts; many of which were negative. I would scold myself for non-compliance and for every "failure".    I would cut myself off from others and fall into a world of darkness.  Small talk with others seemed like a "waste of time" to me.

When I finally couldn't hold the pendulum on the side of discipline any longer, I would collapse into a type of exhaustion and the hippy would take over. At first is was such a relief to take a break from the shoulds and shouldn'ts of the dictator, but after a while the desires became obsessions and the "needs" only grew. The dictator wouldn't really go away either. He would always be in the background with a scowl on his face. Sloth and too much freedom led to addiction and non-functionality.

Freedom from this pendulum of pain only came when I saw the dictator and hippy for what they were: manifestations of ego.

The Buddha also went through this process. He was at first living in a palace where all his needs and desires were met. When he finally saw the nature of suffering and was highly motivated by his love for others, to find a way out of suffering, he started on the path of asceticism. He forced himself to deny his desires.  Over time, this path not only nearly killed him, it hardened his ego. It wasn't until he overheard a musician telling a student that the strings of the instrument shouldn't be too tight or too loose, that he realized what he had been doing.  It wasn't long after this his ego subsided and real freedom came. When his self was seen through fully, he was finally able to fully connect with life and he became a beacon of hope for this world.

A poem by Alice Gardner from a book I bought from her several years ago entitled "Life Beyond Belief"

Relationship

Holding each person 

as the perfect and amazing work 

of mystery made manifest

is the source

of the joy of truly being

with the wonder of each other.

Accepting all imperfections 

within this greater perfection

and remembering the sacredness 

of the mystery 

that made each of us

just This way,

restores our ease,

awakens our delight.

No more

becoming someone separate

to act out a drama, 

even a happy story. 

Another way has appeared: 

simply releasing any outcome,

of wanting, needing, or getting anything.

A simple acceptance of what is Here

no more, no less, than just This.

Now there is nothing

but the wondrous and total satisfaction

of being complete.

Jealousy

There are a couple forms of jealousy. I will talk about both here. First, there's the kind that arises when you are afraid of losing your lover. This is the possessive kind of jealousy, and can have the exact opposite effect on the relationship. I've seen many couples who break up over the possessiveness that one has for the other. The fear of being alone, the fear of uncertainty in the world, the fear that the partner will decide someday that you are not the one for them. All these things can seem like a threat, and threats are generally dealt with through anger and aggression.

I read an account of a man who's wife was so jealous that she would cut out all the pictures of beautiful women from all the magazines in their home so that her husband wouldn't be attracted to them. When they watched TV, he had to look away whenever any beautiful woman was on the screen. Sadly, this isn't even the darkest that this kind of mindset can take a person in a relationship. Physical violence and verbal abuse aimed at possession of another is all too common in our world. Love is beautiful, but the attachments which can arise from love can be dark and ugly and downright dangerous.

If you or someone you love is falling victim to this kind of attitude, then its a good idea to contemplate the impermanence of all experience. What experience have you ever had in your life that lasted? You could say that you can still remember that wonderful day you had way back when you were 10 years old, but that is not the experience, that is just a memory of the experience. Chugyam Trungpa, one of my favorite teachers said it best: All experience is passing memory. If you are trying to keep your lover from leaving you by possessing them, then not only are you trying to fool your self about the fundamental nature of reality, you are also very likely going to drive them away all that much faster.

I like to look at relationships and all wonderful experiences as being like a butterfly which lands in your hand and gently fans your palm. The iridescent colors and gentle impermanence of the experience make it so special that the beauty and wonder of it all are right there, asking to be experienced. What would happen if you tried to possess that butterfly by clasping your finders around it? This is what happens to your relationship when you think you need to secure it and control it.

The other kind of jealousy is completely different from the jealousy of possessiveness. This kind of jealousy is the kind when you covet another's position in life. You are jealous of their possessions, or their lover, or their accomplishments, maybe even their brain? This kind of jealousy is also known as the green-eyed monster. What happens when you feel jealous of another person? Whats going on in your head? What beliefs are being believed in? What feelings are arising? These kind of curiosities are very helpful in overcoming such a negative emotional state.

I've found that the green eyed monster is really rooted in feelings of inadequacy. Low inner self esteem and self loathing are really at the root of it. I think there is no better way to hate yourself then to be jealous of another. If you can direct that anger towards someone else instead of yourself, then at least you don't fall into a depression. Sometimes people literally sabotage friend's accomplishments just because they somehow blame their friend for their own unhappiness. By bringing their friend down, they think that that will allow them to be happy again. Its almost like a form of revenge, but not one based in reality, its one based in neurosis. Its one based in a false belief that would not stand up to the light of clear awareness.

The antidote for this kind of jealousy, and I believe your own low self esteem is sympathetic joy. Sympathetic joy is one of the four immeasurables, which are: Compassion, Equanimity, Loving Kindness, and Sympathetic joy. Why are they considered immeasurable? Because love is infinite.

How does one get into the mindset of sympathetic joy? First, you have to realize that life is not a race, its a journey. Its not a test of perfection, or a game-board where you must build yourself up into someone great that everyone will love and respect, and then, maybe you will be able to love and respect yourself. Its not that. If you don't believe me, then keep working your ass off and gain some accomplishment, and make that grand acceptance speech, and get your shiny reward, and feel temporarily good about yourself, then notice how the feeling fades. Notice how you long for more respect, more love, more acclaim, more, more, more. Its a treadmill, that only ends for some people when they die. I'm not saying that all ambition is bad, but if its motivated by an inner need to get over your own self loathing, then it will probably be a lot of work for nothing. If your ambition is based in your love for others, or in your love for a process such as an art form, or a craft, then thats a whole different thing, but ambition in the pursuit of 'becoming someone someday' is a futile and misguided approach to life which is a waste of your precious time here in this reality.

Once you realize that life is not about you, then you can start looking out there at other's and start noticing them for a change. People are really interesting. Everyone is like a snowflake, unique and special in their own way. Everyone is a one of a kind creation of this planet and this universe. They can be appreciated no matter what. So, when you see someone with a nice house, a beautiful intelligent lover, a great job, etc. Imagine how much they might have wished for those things when they were growing up? Remember all those times on the playground where kids would share their hopes for their lives? Everyone has had them. Imagine that they had them too, then revel in the fact that they actually got it. They got that big house, with the nice yard, and those wonderful kids, and their wonderful lover. Imagine how happy they felt when they finally got those things. Imagining their happiness can turn into real happiness in your heart. Realize that life is not a race, and its not something that needs to be lived perfectly. Realize that happiness is contagious, and when you feel it for other's success, you will live in real wealth. Rest in that happiness.   

Examine the Nature of Unborn Awareness

The title to this post is a suggestion from a set of suggestions, or instructions if you will. These instructions called, Lojong, if understood, can really help one move their awareness into the present moment.  These instructions also help to open our hearts to the four immeasurables; Equanimity, Sympathic Joy, Compassion, and Loving Kindness.  All these qualities will grow in us as we practice these suggestions.  Inner peace grows as the ego becomes more and more obvious.

There are many helpful suggestions in these ancient Tibetan teachings, however, many of the suggestions seem to contradict what we would normally do.  Such as "Don't expect applause".  Other instructions seem esoteric such as "Regard all dharmas as dreams", or "In postmeditation practice be a child of illusion."

What has struck me today, however, is the saying: "Examine the nature of unborn awareness."
What does that mean? Examine the nature of unborn awareness? What is unborn awareness?

Well, I think that when we wait for the unknown, we are tuned into the open pallet of the universe, or at least a little corner of it.  This place can be strongly felt at a close baseball or football game.  There's an aliveness in the air as people wait with a hint of anticipation, but not really anticipation because no one really knows how it all will unfold. No one knows what is going to happen next.  There may be commentators blathering about probabilities and stats, but no one knows when the next big play will happen and no one wants to miss it.

This is the nature of all existence. Every moment is pregnant with possibilities. Especially when other people are a part of those moments. Its the pregnant pause after you propose to the love of your life. Its the moment the ball leaves the pitchers hand. It could turn out anyway.  Some people may see the unknown as "nothing", but if this is nothing then why do people still buy tickets to see baseball games?

Unborn awareness is the awareness of the unborn.  This is aliveness.  This ever unfolding existence always consists of moments which are born out of the possibilities that are ripe to come into reality.

So, what does it mean to examine that?  How does one examine the awareness of the unborn?

Being aware of the "atmosphere" of any situation is one way.  Being aware of the atmosphere at a hometown football game with two minutes left on the clock and a tied score. If you were aware of the people and their emotional states, as well as aware of how your own body feels at that moment, you will be examining this nature, this unborn awareness.  You can be caught up in the draw of the unknown, the hopes the fears, the drama of the unfolding situation.  You can also be aware of the atmosphere of that environment.  You can feel the energy in yourself. You can be aware of the hopes and fears which rise and fall in your own body.   Its invigorating to be aware of this.  One might think its a cold way to see it. To be removed from the energy of it. But if anything, I'd say that by being aware of the energy of a situation is also at the same time completely open to the ever unfolding nature of existence. This means feeling everything you can.  Its being aware of life, and just how magical and fresh it is.  Its like you become a tuning fork which tunes into the whole situation and vibrates at the same frequency, yet is aware of the fact that it is in tune.   This is what I think examining the nature of unborn awareness is all about.  Curiosity is the key.  You can be the curios witness to any situation, and tune into the energy of whats happening right now.  Being fully alive requires nothing more.

Overcoming Boardom

I find that all the struggle that comes from wanting my experience to be "Optimum" makes my experience anything but.

On many meditation retreats and Ninthuns Ive done there always comes a point where the pain and anxiety of boredom flares up.  After the first few hours of meditation the boredom begins to intensify. Its so painful at some point that my body often knows what has to be done. To give in. Somehow, the suffering that comes from the boredom is something that has to become acute before my being just kind of gives in, and gives up. Once I give up trying to make the situation better, or more interesting, then something interesting happens. The anxiety disappears. It's the same situation, but instead of being intolerable, it can be actually quite blissful.

Giving up the notion that I have any control over the situation seems to be the main dish to eat. I really don't and didn't have much control anyway. I chose to do those retreats, and I am really glad I did. There were times when I felt like jumping up and screaming and running out of the shrine room, but I didn't. Somehow I knew that wasn't going to free me from boredom. Liberation only came when I completely gave into the situation.

Have you ever been at a checkout line that stretched on and on. You're standing there with your cart of food, waiting to pay, and as the minutes tick by, you become more and more agitated? Then, all of a sudden you just let out a big breath. A deep sigh just spontaneously happens, and although you feel sad that the effort to change your situation failed, you are somehow more at peace. Have you ever experienced that? Its really the same thing I think. Its a giving in.

Each and every situation is unique. The next time you go to the doctors office, many things will be the same, but the situation and experience will be different. There is always something different, something alive, in every moment. Being still and giving in, is the only way to notice the aliveness in every unique moment. You can only do that if you accept that the universe has put you where you are right now, for a reason. The karma of your past makes every moment of your life unfurl like a wonderful musical composition. It may not be the tune we thought "we" were making, but it is the tune which was written just for us. This might be a helpful way to look at it.

I've found that a helpful thing to do is to accept the idea that the present moment is the best moment for me, even if I can't see that. It may seem like there is something more important to do, but who can say whats most important?

Maybe what we are experiencing right now, is what is being offered, and we can experience that moment however we choose. We can be open to it as a unique moment, or we can see it as somehow a "failed" moment. What makes more sense? Accepting the present moment for what it is, giving in, and releasing the big sigh, or thinking there is always something bigger and better and brighter awaiting somewhere else?

Its like the old zen saying: If you can't find peace where you stand, then where do you hope to wander to find it?

The Fixed Self, and the Freedom of Humility

When we grow up, we are uncertain who we are, and so we try on different hats. Maybe we tried a fireman's hat, or a cowboys hat or a nurses hat, or any number of other simple identities. We felt compelled to explore who we might be. We felt compelled to figure out our place in the world and "who" we should be. We felt the need to figure out our place in the world and our purpose. There was a fundamental uncertainty about our identity, and that uncertainty made us uncomfortable.

Later the hats we tried on were more intangible then our possible future professions. We began to seek out knowledge about who we were internally. We might have come to conclusions such as "I am a popular person." or "I am the fastest runner", or "nobody likes me" which is the same as saying, "I am unlikable." All these beliefs either grew into identities or were discarded depending on the evidence which accumulated. If we got beat in a race, we could no longer believe we were the fastest runner.If we thought we were smart and then flunked math we might have to discard that belief and conclude we were not smart. How painful it was to get evidence which invalidated our belief about who we thought we were.

Later we began to draw even more subtle conclusions about who we were; like: "I am smart in spelling but not in math.", or "I am a fast runner, but not the fastest." If you've ever raised kids, you may recall there is a time when they become fascinated with progressions of words like fast, faster, fastest, smart, smarter, smartest.  This is an important part of human development. I think its related to our drive to nail down who we think we are. This process is the development of ego.   Its a process that's probably still going on to this day. Its not a bad process, its a necessary one, but it is one that, in the end will create a lot of suffering. Its a process which doesn't end, until we realize on a very fundamental level that we are not a fixed entity.

This process of searching for who we are, slowly subsides as our beliefs about who we think we are become more deeply believed. When we deeply believe we know who we are, the tendency to accept new evidence which contradicts our belief diminishes.  If we firmly believe we are unlikable, then we tend to disregard our experiences where people are nice to us as either an anomaly, or we attribute their behavior as a fault in them. "If they really knew me, they wouldn't like me."

Hidden in every negative self belief, is the hope for the positive counterpart.  Hidden in every positive self belief is the fear of its counterpart being true. "What if I am really a geek after all?"  This is why we tend to avoid those who criticize us, or we discredit their opinions by judging them harshly. "They are such assholes for judging me like that!"   We have a strong tendency to protect our self image by a variety of techniques such as judgments, avoidance.  Ignoring people, evidence and circumstances which contradict our fixed sense of self is a habit that becomes second nature.  One huge tendency is to deny and ignore.

The word "fixed" seems to be the crux of it. To "know" anything with the mind, we need to find a pattern. (There is another kind of knowing, but the one referred to here is knowing with the mind.) Once the pattern is "known" it becomes solid like water which finds its way to the cup of an ice cube tray and solidifies in the freezer of our mind. All or at least most of our reality consists of solid patterns which we believe in completely. "That's the way it is."  Our belief about who we are becomes just as solid as the ice cube in the tray.

The problem with this way of seeing the world and ourselves is that the evidence says things are not solid and fixed.  Whenever we are so sure we know who we "really" are,  we are usually in for a big shock. Life has a way of disproving our assumptions in the most painful ways. The valedictorian who flunks out of college, the successful businessperson who loses their wealth in a stock crash. The "loser" who finds the love of their life.

Why is it so upsetting when our beliefs are challenged and overturned?  When we have a positive belief about ourselves which is upset by the evidence of life, there is a short gap where we don't know who we are. This uncomfortable space is usually filled quickly.  What fills that gap is often the hidden belief which had been hoped for or had been dreaded.   Either way, it can be very uncomfortable if not downright terrifying. The person who doesn't believe that anyone would acknowledge their talents is usually very awkward and fidgety when they have to step up the podium to accept the big award.  The valedictorian who flunks out of college may become depressed when they label themselves as a "failure".

As people enter middle age, they can become more flexible in how they see themselves. (not all do unfortunately)  They can begin to realize that, who they really are has little to do with what they have or what they have accomplished.  People who realize this find out that this kind of "knowing" is an illusion, and is the source of great drama and eventual disillusionment.  People who stop playing the game of needing an identity or continually try to prove themselves to the world, seem somehow more peaceful.  They no longer need to be "right" all the time. They no longer have to pursue activities which keep them in the office late at night every night. They can relax on their front porch and enjoy the birds at the feeder.  They are much more at peace with themselves. This is not because they finally found out "who" they really are, its because they finally realized just how ridiculous the whole process has been. They realize that they can never really "know" themselves anyway.  They finally give in to the fact that they are fundamentally fluid.  They realize that they have the potential to do positive and negative things. They realize that there is the potential for success and failure, to be loved and hated, to be smart and stupid. They also realize that none of those outer pieces of evidence can cause them to be permanently solidified into a definable "thing."  When a person realizes that they are really water, and not an ice cube then the effort required to maintain the deep freeze can end. Its liberating when a person realizes that all that effort is not needed. All the emotional and physical energy spent over the years trying, at first, to find, and then later to defend the solid belief about the self is seen through.

When a person realizes that they really didn't need to "be" anybody, they are free. This is both exhilarating and humbling. To find true humility is not a denigrating experience, it is a liberating one.

Loving Kindness

What would you do if you heard a whimpering puppy in a dumpster?

I'll bet you would pull it out and take it home and give it a warm bath and some tasty food and call all your friends and write about it on facebook, and hold it in your lap and swoon. :-)  When it pooped on your rug you would probably clean it up forgivingly, and smile.  

Why?    Why would you do that?  From a selfish point of view, it makes no sense.  Luckily... most of us aren't completely consumed by the selfish point of view.  Luckily our compassion shines though and we can see the beauty in others. Others are really really beautiful you know.  Its so powerful if you ever see it fully. Its more than just knee shaking.  We usually won't allow ourselves to see that though.  We judge and label, and ignore.  Its all habits that we adopt to protect ourselves. It doesn't mean we are "bad."   I would even go so far as to say that there is no such thing as a "bad" person, just severely deluded ones.

Loving kindness is one of the "Four Immeasurables."  A teaching of the Buddha which I've found very helpful to contemplate.  These are: Compassion, Sympathetic Joy, Equanimity, and Loving Kindness.  The four immeasurables are all aspects of what is called "Bodhichitta".  Its a term that refers to what we see when we are totally open hearted.  It really points to what we might call "connection", however the word "connection" connotates separation and full bodhichitta is the realization that there is no separation.  This is the source of our compassion, our love, our being.  It is more who we are than we could even imagine.  When you see the light that is our core, you will know what true beauty is.  I saw it once briefly, and it is truely dazzling and beyond words.

One thing that I always found interesting about loving kindness is how its different than the other three immeasurables in that its not passive.  It refers to an action.  Wiping the nose of our 6 year old as they come in for a bowl of hot soup we made just for them.  This is loving kindness.  Its a deep caring that at least temporarily helps us to forget ourselves.  Equanimity, or seeing others as equals, is kind of passive.  At least it seemed to be originally.  It seemed more like a frame of mind than loving kindness. The same is true of Compassion, which is feeling the pain of others,  and sympathetic joy, which is feeling the joy of others.  It seemed strange to me somehow that loving kindness was an action and the other three were states of mind.  But now I realize that all are states of mind and actions too.  It really can't be any other way because they really are aspects of something much deeper, much more profound.  These "pointers" not only give us a clue as to what goes beyond this life, they also give us a clue as to who we really are.  The words "who" and "really" don't really fit, but I can't think of what words to use.  How can one feel great compassion for another without also seeing them as equals and feeling moved to help in some way?  How can you see someone as your equal and not feel joy when they win the big game?  Its like you are a fellow team mate and their win is your win.

What state of mind is loving kindness?  Are the actions separate from the care which caused the actions?  How could they be?  There are many ways our mind of separateness can hijack the state/process of loving kindness. Doing a kind act out of pity is a classic example of how our egos maintain our separateness.  Feeling resentful that we didn't get recognized for our kind act, is another way our ego can jump in and "save the day" and help us survive our almost certain dissolution. If we don't get anything out of our act of compassion, then was it really a waste of time?  I think our egos work hard to keep us separate because we are afraid of death and dissolution.  But, is it dissolution or is disillusion that we so automatically fear?  Will we really dissolve into nothing if we open our hearts completely?  No... Our Buddha nature or basic goodness can not be destroyed, only the illusion of self.  How could breaking down the wall around our hearts be such a bad thing to do when it can be so healing, not only for others but for ourselves too.

Forgiveness is really an act of loving kindness. Maybe one of the most important kinds.  Forgiving yourself and having loving kindness toward yourself can be one of the most important healing processes possible.  When you are at peace with yourself you are closer to others. This is why true compassion for the self is not really that different than true compassion for others.  The mind that says: "I should be more compassionate towards others."  isn't really being compassionate towards itself.  It seems like a good thing to do.  Driving ourself toward being something "better" and "higher" and all that, but it can be just another way our ego is keeping us separate. .Breaking the illusion of separateness is the process of finding peace in oneself because it requires that you forgive yourself and accept yourself and hold your tender heart in the arms of loving kindness. It isn't really "your" loving kindness. It isn't really "your" love at all. Its the love that we all are at our core and it is not separate. Being arrogant is not having loving kindness towards yourself, its a process of reinforcing your inner belief that you aren't good enough as you are.  Its easy to confuse arrogance with loving kindness towards yourself.  Thats why forgiveness is important to have. I suppose it is possible to be arrogant in your forgiveness of yourself, but it would be pretty silly.  So if you find that you are being arrogant, then forgive yourself for that and know its not really important to be perfect. Its more important to be at peace with yourself.

You can't have much loving kindness towards others until you first have it for yourself.  Some of the most powerful transformations I've had, have been bringing that love in to my own heart and realizing on a very visceral level that I'm OK after all. This is the process of letting go of beliefs about the self, and seeing the self from a broader perspective.   Did you ever notice how the people who are the most helpful seem to be the most quiet, or the most at peace?  Its remarkable when you see it.  

So, if you want to see more love in your life, then learn to recognize the many ways in which you keep yourself separate from others.  Beating yourself up in your quest to be someone you're not, is one way we keep ourselves separate.  Protecting our notion of who we are is another way.  This is why we can have loving kindness for a dog or cat when it is much harder for a stranger, because dogs and cats can't make judgments on us.  Falling in love with a sexual partner is a way we can have an open heart toward them as long as they don't break the unspoken "contract" and start judging us harshly.  Nothing ruins a relationship faster than judging your partner harshly or being judged by them.

Warding off fear is another way we close our hearts towards others. An example of this is denigrating victims, such as when we say "they deserved to break their leg because they should have been wearing their seat belt." The unspoken corollary is that won't happen to us because we wear our seat belts.

So many ways the ego separates.  Its very creative and works constantly to separate us.  Thats what it evolved to do. The ego is not the enemy by the way. We would have little chance of freedom without it.  The whole deal is to see it for what it is, and through seeing the emptiness of the belief of self, you will come to know the real you.  The you which has been there all along.

A favorite spiritual quote came from a teacher named Thadeous Golus.  He said: "Love your self no matter what. Even if you hate what you just said or did, love yourself for hating it."  I think what he was saying was, hold your heart in the arms of loving kindness. The same way you would a child who is crying in the pain of failure.  A failure which seems so huge to them but which you know is really not that important.  The broad perspective of emptiness can be the root of the loving heart of forgiveness.  Is this what the Buddha meant when he taught of the joining of wisdom and compassion?  I think it is.  This is where healing happens both for you and for the world.