Jealousy

There are a couple forms of jealousy. I will talk about both here. First, there's the kind that arises when you are afraid of losing your lover. This is the possessive kind of jealousy, and can have the exact opposite effect on the relationship. I've seen many couples who break up over the possessiveness that one has for the other. The fear of being alone, the fear of uncertainty in the world, the fear that the partner will decide someday that you are not the one for them. All these things can seem like a threat, and threats are generally dealt with through anger and aggression.

I read an account of a man who's wife was so jealous that she would cut out all the pictures of beautiful women from all the magazines in their home so that her husband wouldn't be attracted to them. When they watched TV, he had to look away whenever any beautiful woman was on the screen. Sadly, this isn't even the darkest that this kind of mindset can take a person in a relationship. Physical violence and verbal abuse aimed at possession of another is all too common in our world. Love is beautiful, but the attachments which can arise from love can be dark and ugly and downright dangerous.

If you or someone you love is falling victim to this kind of attitude, then its a good idea to contemplate the impermanence of all experience. What experience have you ever had in your life that lasted? You could say that you can still remember that wonderful day you had way back when you were 10 years old, but that is not the experience, that is just a memory of the experience. Chugyam Trungpa, one of my favorite teachers said it best: All experience is passing memory. If you are trying to keep your lover from leaving you by possessing them, then not only are you trying to fool your self about the fundamental nature of reality, you are also very likely going to drive them away all that much faster.

I like to look at relationships and all wonderful experiences as being like a butterfly which lands in your hand and gently fans your palm. The iridescent colors and gentle impermanence of the experience make it so special that the beauty and wonder of it all are right there, asking to be experienced. What would happen if you tried to possess that butterfly by clasping your finders around it? This is what happens to your relationship when you think you need to secure it and control it.

The other kind of jealousy is completely different from the jealousy of possessiveness. This kind of jealousy is the kind when you covet another's position in life. You are jealous of their possessions, or their lover, or their accomplishments, maybe even their brain? This kind of jealousy is also known as the green-eyed monster. What happens when you feel jealous of another person? Whats going on in your head? What beliefs are being believed in? What feelings are arising? These kind of curiosities are very helpful in overcoming such a negative emotional state.

I've found that the green eyed monster is really rooted in feelings of inadequacy. Low inner self esteem and self loathing are really at the root of it. I think there is no better way to hate yourself then to be jealous of another. If you can direct that anger towards someone else instead of yourself, then at least you don't fall into a depression. Sometimes people literally sabotage friend's accomplishments just because they somehow blame their friend for their own unhappiness. By bringing their friend down, they think that that will allow them to be happy again. Its almost like a form of revenge, but not one based in reality, its one based in neurosis. Its one based in a false belief that would not stand up to the light of clear awareness.

The antidote for this kind of jealousy, and I believe your own low self esteem is sympathetic joy. Sympathetic joy is one of the four immeasurables, which are: Compassion, Equanimity, Loving Kindness, and Sympathetic joy. Why are they considered immeasurable? Because love is infinite.

How does one get into the mindset of sympathetic joy? First, you have to realize that life is not a race, its a journey. Its not a test of perfection, or a game-board where you must build yourself up into someone great that everyone will love and respect, and then, maybe you will be able to love and respect yourself. Its not that. If you don't believe me, then keep working your ass off and gain some accomplishment, and make that grand acceptance speech, and get your shiny reward, and feel temporarily good about yourself, then notice how the feeling fades. Notice how you long for more respect, more love, more acclaim, more, more, more. Its a treadmill, that only ends for some people when they die. I'm not saying that all ambition is bad, but if its motivated by an inner need to get over your own self loathing, then it will probably be a lot of work for nothing. If your ambition is based in your love for others, or in your love for a process such as an art form, or a craft, then thats a whole different thing, but ambition in the pursuit of 'becoming someone someday' is a futile and misguided approach to life which is a waste of your precious time here in this reality.

Once you realize that life is not about you, then you can start looking out there at other's and start noticing them for a change. People are really interesting. Everyone is like a snowflake, unique and special in their own way. Everyone is a one of a kind creation of this planet and this universe. They can be appreciated no matter what. So, when you see someone with a nice house, a beautiful intelligent lover, a great job, etc. Imagine how much they might have wished for those things when they were growing up? Remember all those times on the playground where kids would share their hopes for their lives? Everyone has had them. Imagine that they had them too, then revel in the fact that they actually got it. They got that big house, with the nice yard, and those wonderful kids, and their wonderful lover. Imagine how happy they felt when they finally got those things. Imagining their happiness can turn into real happiness in your heart. Realize that life is not a race, and its not something that needs to be lived perfectly. Realize that happiness is contagious, and when you feel it for other's success, you will live in real wealth. Rest in that happiness.   

Examine the Nature of Unborn Awareness

The title to this post is a suggestion from a set of suggestions, or instructions if you will. These instructions called, Lojong, if understood, can really help one move their awareness into the present moment.  These instructions also help to open our hearts to the four immeasurables; Equanimity, Sympathic Joy, Compassion, and Loving Kindness.  All these qualities will grow in us as we practice these suggestions.  Inner peace grows as the ego becomes more and more obvious.

There are many helpful suggestions in these ancient Tibetan teachings, however, many of the suggestions seem to contradict what we would normally do.  Such as "Don't expect applause".  Other instructions seem esoteric such as "Regard all dharmas as dreams", or "In postmeditation practice be a child of illusion."

What has struck me today, however, is the saying: "Examine the nature of unborn awareness."
What does that mean? Examine the nature of unborn awareness? What is unborn awareness?

Well, I think that when we wait for the unknown, we are tuned into the open pallet of the universe, or at least a little corner of it.  This place can be strongly felt at a close baseball or football game.  There's an aliveness in the air as people wait with a hint of anticipation, but not really anticipation because no one really knows how it all will unfold. No one knows what is going to happen next.  There may be commentators blathering about probabilities and stats, but no one knows when the next big play will happen and no one wants to miss it.

This is the nature of all existence. Every moment is pregnant with possibilities. Especially when other people are a part of those moments. Its the pregnant pause after you propose to the love of your life. Its the moment the ball leaves the pitchers hand. It could turn out anyway.  Some people may see the unknown as "nothing", but if this is nothing then why do people still buy tickets to see baseball games?

Unborn awareness is the awareness of the unborn.  This is aliveness.  This ever unfolding existence always consists of moments which are born out of the possibilities that are ripe to come into reality.

So, what does it mean to examine that?  How does one examine the awareness of the unborn?

Being aware of the "atmosphere" of any situation is one way.  Being aware of the atmosphere at a hometown football game with two minutes left on the clock and a tied score. If you were aware of the people and their emotional states, as well as aware of how your own body feels at that moment, you will be examining this nature, this unborn awareness.  You can be caught up in the draw of the unknown, the hopes the fears, the drama of the unfolding situation.  You can also be aware of the atmosphere of that environment.  You can feel the energy in yourself. You can be aware of the hopes and fears which rise and fall in your own body.   Its invigorating to be aware of this.  One might think its a cold way to see it. To be removed from the energy of it. But if anything, I'd say that by being aware of the energy of a situation is also at the same time completely open to the ever unfolding nature of existence. This means feeling everything you can.  Its being aware of life, and just how magical and fresh it is.  Its like you become a tuning fork which tunes into the whole situation and vibrates at the same frequency, yet is aware of the fact that it is in tune.   This is what I think examining the nature of unborn awareness is all about.  Curiosity is the key.  You can be the curios witness to any situation, and tune into the energy of whats happening right now.  Being fully alive requires nothing more.

Overcoming Boardom

I find that all the struggle that comes from wanting my experience to be "Optimum" makes my experience anything but.

On many meditation retreats and Ninthuns Ive done there always comes a point where the pain and anxiety of boredom flares up.  After the first few hours of meditation the boredom begins to intensify. Its so painful at some point that my body often knows what has to be done. To give in. Somehow, the suffering that comes from the boredom is something that has to become acute before my being just kind of gives in, and gives up. Once I give up trying to make the situation better, or more interesting, then something interesting happens. The anxiety disappears. It's the same situation, but instead of being intolerable, it can be actually quite blissful.

Giving up the notion that I have any control over the situation seems to be the main dish to eat. I really don't and didn't have much control anyway. I chose to do those retreats, and I am really glad I did. There were times when I felt like jumping up and screaming and running out of the shrine room, but I didn't. Somehow I knew that wasn't going to free me from boredom. Liberation only came when I completely gave into the situation.

Have you ever been at a checkout line that stretched on and on. You're standing there with your cart of food, waiting to pay, and as the minutes tick by, you become more and more agitated? Then, all of a sudden you just let out a big breath. A deep sigh just spontaneously happens, and although you feel sad that the effort to change your situation failed, you are somehow more at peace. Have you ever experienced that? Its really the same thing I think. Its a giving in.

Each and every situation is unique. The next time you go to the doctors office, many things will be the same, but the situation and experience will be different. There is always something different, something alive, in every moment. Being still and giving in, is the only way to notice the aliveness in every unique moment. You can only do that if you accept that the universe has put you where you are right now, for a reason. The karma of your past makes every moment of your life unfurl like a wonderful musical composition. It may not be the tune we thought "we" were making, but it is the tune which was written just for us. This might be a helpful way to look at it.

I've found that a helpful thing to do is to accept the idea that the present moment is the best moment for me, even if I can't see that. It may seem like there is something more important to do, but who can say whats most important?

Maybe what we are experiencing right now, is what is being offered, and we can experience that moment however we choose. We can be open to it as a unique moment, or we can see it as somehow a "failed" moment. What makes more sense? Accepting the present moment for what it is, giving in, and releasing the big sigh, or thinking there is always something bigger and better and brighter awaiting somewhere else?

Its like the old zen saying: If you can't find peace where you stand, then where do you hope to wander to find it?

The Fixed Self, and the Freedom of Humility

When we grow up, we are uncertain who we are, and so we try on different hats. Maybe we tried a fireman's hat, or a cowboys hat or a nurses hat, or any number of other simple identities. We felt compelled to explore who we might be. We felt compelled to figure out our place in the world and "who" we should be. We felt the need to figure out our place in the world and our purpose. There was a fundamental uncertainty about our identity, and that uncertainty made us uncomfortable.

Later the hats we tried on were more intangible then our possible future professions. We began to seek out knowledge about who we were internally. We might have come to conclusions such as "I am a popular person." or "I am the fastest runner", or "nobody likes me" which is the same as saying, "I am unlikable." All these beliefs either grew into identities or were discarded depending on the evidence which accumulated. If we got beat in a race, we could no longer believe we were the fastest runner.If we thought we were smart and then flunked math we might have to discard that belief and conclude we were not smart. How painful it was to get evidence which invalidated our belief about who we thought we were.

Later we began to draw even more subtle conclusions about who we were; like: "I am smart in spelling but not in math.", or "I am a fast runner, but not the fastest." If you've ever raised kids, you may recall there is a time when they become fascinated with progressions of words like fast, faster, fastest, smart, smarter, smartest.  This is an important part of human development. I think its related to our drive to nail down who we think we are. This process is the development of ego.   Its a process that's probably still going on to this day. Its not a bad process, its a necessary one, but it is one that, in the end will create a lot of suffering. Its a process which doesn't end, until we realize on a very fundamental level that we are not a fixed entity.

This process of searching for who we are, slowly subsides as our beliefs about who we think we are become more deeply believed. When we deeply believe we know who we are, the tendency to accept new evidence which contradicts our belief diminishes.  If we firmly believe we are unlikable, then we tend to disregard our experiences where people are nice to us as either an anomaly, or we attribute their behavior as a fault in them. "If they really knew me, they wouldn't like me."

Hidden in every negative self belief, is the hope for the positive counterpart.  Hidden in every positive self belief is the fear of its counterpart being true. "What if I am really a geek after all?"  This is why we tend to avoid those who criticize us, or we discredit their opinions by judging them harshly. "They are such assholes for judging me like that!"   We have a strong tendency to protect our self image by a variety of techniques such as judgments, avoidance.  Ignoring people, evidence and circumstances which contradict our fixed sense of self is a habit that becomes second nature.  One huge tendency is to deny and ignore.

The word "fixed" seems to be the crux of it. To "know" anything with the mind, we need to find a pattern. (There is another kind of knowing, but the one referred to here is knowing with the mind.) Once the pattern is "known" it becomes solid like water which finds its way to the cup of an ice cube tray and solidifies in the freezer of our mind. All or at least most of our reality consists of solid patterns which we believe in completely. "That's the way it is."  Our belief about who we are becomes just as solid as the ice cube in the tray.

The problem with this way of seeing the world and ourselves is that the evidence says things are not solid and fixed.  Whenever we are so sure we know who we "really" are,  we are usually in for a big shock. Life has a way of disproving our assumptions in the most painful ways. The valedictorian who flunks out of college, the successful businessperson who loses their wealth in a stock crash. The "loser" who finds the love of their life.

Why is it so upsetting when our beliefs are challenged and overturned?  When we have a positive belief about ourselves which is upset by the evidence of life, there is a short gap where we don't know who we are. This uncomfortable space is usually filled quickly.  What fills that gap is often the hidden belief which had been hoped for or had been dreaded.   Either way, it can be very uncomfortable if not downright terrifying. The person who doesn't believe that anyone would acknowledge their talents is usually very awkward and fidgety when they have to step up the podium to accept the big award.  The valedictorian who flunks out of college may become depressed when they label themselves as a "failure".

As people enter middle age, they can become more flexible in how they see themselves. (not all do unfortunately)  They can begin to realize that, who they really are has little to do with what they have or what they have accomplished.  People who realize this find out that this kind of "knowing" is an illusion, and is the source of great drama and eventual disillusionment.  People who stop playing the game of needing an identity or continually try to prove themselves to the world, seem somehow more peaceful.  They no longer need to be "right" all the time. They no longer have to pursue activities which keep them in the office late at night every night. They can relax on their front porch and enjoy the birds at the feeder.  They are much more at peace with themselves. This is not because they finally found out "who" they really are, its because they finally realized just how ridiculous the whole process has been. They realize that they can never really "know" themselves anyway.  They finally give in to the fact that they are fundamentally fluid.  They realize that they have the potential to do positive and negative things. They realize that there is the potential for success and failure, to be loved and hated, to be smart and stupid. They also realize that none of those outer pieces of evidence can cause them to be permanently solidified into a definable "thing."  When a person realizes that they are really water, and not an ice cube then the effort required to maintain the deep freeze can end. Its liberating when a person realizes that all that effort is not needed. All the emotional and physical energy spent over the years trying, at first, to find, and then later to defend the solid belief about the self is seen through.

When a person realizes that they really didn't need to "be" anybody, they are free. This is both exhilarating and humbling. To find true humility is not a denigrating experience, it is a liberating one.

Loving Kindness

What would you do if you heard a whimpering puppy in a dumpster?

I'll bet you would pull it out and take it home and give it a warm bath and some tasty food and call all your friends and write about it on facebook, and hold it in your lap and swoon. :-)  When it pooped on your rug you would probably clean it up forgivingly, and smile.  

Why?    Why would you do that?  From a selfish point of view, it makes no sense.  Luckily... most of us aren't completely consumed by the selfish point of view.  Luckily our compassion shines though and we can see the beauty in others. Others are really really beautiful you know.  Its so powerful if you ever see it fully. Its more than just knee shaking.  We usually won't allow ourselves to see that though.  We judge and label, and ignore.  Its all habits that we adopt to protect ourselves. It doesn't mean we are "bad."   I would even go so far as to say that there is no such thing as a "bad" person, just severely deluded ones.

Loving kindness is one of the "Four Immeasurables."  A teaching of the Buddha which I've found very helpful to contemplate.  These are: Compassion, Sympathetic Joy, Equanimity, and Loving Kindness.  The four immeasurables are all aspects of what is called "Bodhichitta".  Its a term that refers to what we see when we are totally open hearted.  It really points to what we might call "connection", however the word "connection" connotates separation and full bodhichitta is the realization that there is no separation.  This is the source of our compassion, our love, our being.  It is more who we are than we could even imagine.  When you see the light that is our core, you will know what true beauty is.  I saw it once briefly, and it is truely dazzling and beyond words.

One thing that I always found interesting about loving kindness is how its different than the other three immeasurables in that its not passive.  It refers to an action.  Wiping the nose of our 6 year old as they come in for a bowl of hot soup we made just for them.  This is loving kindness.  Its a deep caring that at least temporarily helps us to forget ourselves.  Equanimity, or seeing others as equals, is kind of passive.  At least it seemed to be originally.  It seemed more like a frame of mind than loving kindness. The same is true of Compassion, which is feeling the pain of others,  and sympathetic joy, which is feeling the joy of others.  It seemed strange to me somehow that loving kindness was an action and the other three were states of mind.  But now I realize that all are states of mind and actions too.  It really can't be any other way because they really are aspects of something much deeper, much more profound.  These "pointers" not only give us a clue as to what goes beyond this life, they also give us a clue as to who we really are.  The words "who" and "really" don't really fit, but I can't think of what words to use.  How can one feel great compassion for another without also seeing them as equals and feeling moved to help in some way?  How can you see someone as your equal and not feel joy when they win the big game?  Its like you are a fellow team mate and their win is your win.

What state of mind is loving kindness?  Are the actions separate from the care which caused the actions?  How could they be?  There are many ways our mind of separateness can hijack the state/process of loving kindness. Doing a kind act out of pity is a classic example of how our egos maintain our separateness.  Feeling resentful that we didn't get recognized for our kind act, is another way our ego can jump in and "save the day" and help us survive our almost certain dissolution. If we don't get anything out of our act of compassion, then was it really a waste of time?  I think our egos work hard to keep us separate because we are afraid of death and dissolution.  But, is it dissolution or is disillusion that we so automatically fear?  Will we really dissolve into nothing if we open our hearts completely?  No... Our Buddha nature or basic goodness can not be destroyed, only the illusion of self.  How could breaking down the wall around our hearts be such a bad thing to do when it can be so healing, not only for others but for ourselves too.

Forgiveness is really an act of loving kindness. Maybe one of the most important kinds.  Forgiving yourself and having loving kindness toward yourself can be one of the most important healing processes possible.  When you are at peace with yourself you are closer to others. This is why true compassion for the self is not really that different than true compassion for others.  The mind that says: "I should be more compassionate towards others."  isn't really being compassionate towards itself.  It seems like a good thing to do.  Driving ourself toward being something "better" and "higher" and all that, but it can be just another way our ego is keeping us separate. .Breaking the illusion of separateness is the process of finding peace in oneself because it requires that you forgive yourself and accept yourself and hold your tender heart in the arms of loving kindness. It isn't really "your" loving kindness. It isn't really "your" love at all. Its the love that we all are at our core and it is not separate. Being arrogant is not having loving kindness towards yourself, its a process of reinforcing your inner belief that you aren't good enough as you are.  Its easy to confuse arrogance with loving kindness towards yourself.  Thats why forgiveness is important to have. I suppose it is possible to be arrogant in your forgiveness of yourself, but it would be pretty silly.  So if you find that you are being arrogant, then forgive yourself for that and know its not really important to be perfect. Its more important to be at peace with yourself.

You can't have much loving kindness towards others until you first have it for yourself.  Some of the most powerful transformations I've had, have been bringing that love in to my own heart and realizing on a very visceral level that I'm OK after all. This is the process of letting go of beliefs about the self, and seeing the self from a broader perspective.   Did you ever notice how the people who are the most helpful seem to be the most quiet, or the most at peace?  Its remarkable when you see it.  

So, if you want to see more love in your life, then learn to recognize the many ways in which you keep yourself separate from others.  Beating yourself up in your quest to be someone you're not, is one way we keep ourselves separate.  Protecting our notion of who we are is another way.  This is why we can have loving kindness for a dog or cat when it is much harder for a stranger, because dogs and cats can't make judgments on us.  Falling in love with a sexual partner is a way we can have an open heart toward them as long as they don't break the unspoken "contract" and start judging us harshly.  Nothing ruins a relationship faster than judging your partner harshly or being judged by them.

Warding off fear is another way we close our hearts towards others. An example of this is denigrating victims, such as when we say "they deserved to break their leg because they should have been wearing their seat belt." The unspoken corollary is that won't happen to us because we wear our seat belts.

So many ways the ego separates.  Its very creative and works constantly to separate us.  Thats what it evolved to do. The ego is not the enemy by the way. We would have little chance of freedom without it.  The whole deal is to see it for what it is, and through seeing the emptiness of the belief of self, you will come to know the real you.  The you which has been there all along.

A favorite spiritual quote came from a teacher named Thadeous Golus.  He said: "Love your self no matter what. Even if you hate what you just said or did, love yourself for hating it."  I think what he was saying was, hold your heart in the arms of loving kindness. The same way you would a child who is crying in the pain of failure.  A failure which seems so huge to them but which you know is really not that important.  The broad perspective of emptiness can be the root of the loving heart of forgiveness.  Is this what the Buddha meant when he taught of the joining of wisdom and compassion?  I think it is.  This is where healing happens both for you and for the world.  

The Four Noble Truths

The four noble truths is the very first teaching that the Buddha gave after he became liberated.  He basically taught that Life is marked by suffering; Suffering has a cause; There is a way to escape the suffering, and the noble eightfold path is a way to escape it.

Many people think Buddhism is a negative spiritual path because it talks about suffering so much.  I've heard some people comment that they don't suffer that much, that their life is pretty good, so why would they want to listen to all this talk about suffering?  Its negative, and depressing, and aren't there enough depressing things in the world? Why not talk about the bliss of Nirvana, or the rapture of heaven?  The reason why the Buddha's first teaching was about suffering was because he was just being honest.  He saw very clearly just how much we are all suffering, and he saw what the root of that suffering was. He realized that the place to start was to admit with complete honesty, exactly where we are as humans.  He wasn't saying that 100% of our existence was suffering. He wasn't complaining or commiserating about this fact of life, he was pointing it out clearly so that there would be a starting point based in honest clarity.  Just like at an AA meeting people stand, state their name and then say: "I am an alcoholic"  They don't say that because they are asking for pity, or help from some government agency. They state that because they have come to realize that starting from a place of clear honesty is the only way to escape the cycle of suffering they have created for themselves.

When the Buddha became free of his ego, he realized very deeply that there are three types of suffering.  The first type he called the suffering of pain. We all know what this one is.  When we stub our toe, it hurts.  When we walk outside in the winter our hands may ache with the pain of being cold.  Our brains have evolved to let us know when there is a problem with our bodies.  If our hand hurts, the organism needs to know it.  If we are hungry, we need to eat. If we are cold, we need to seek out warmth. If we are sick, we need to seek help, or at least lay down, so our body can use its energy reserves to fight the illness.  We feel the suffering of pain because of the conditioning of our DNA.  Some organisms which lived long ago may not have felt pain, and were at a grave disadvantage. Those species became extinct because they weren't able to feel the pain when something wasn't right.  There are people born today which by a fluke of nature can not feel pain.  These people usually don't live long.

The second  type of suffering that the Buddha saw was the suffering of change.  We feel this kind of suffering whenever we feel that something shouldn't be the way it is. If we had been used to it being that way, and we accepted how it was, then we wouldn't have perceived a change. Sometimes I see myself feeling resentful that its so cold in the winter.  If I let my reasoning come to words it might sound something like this: "How come its so cold. My hands hurt, my toes hurt, I have to wear bulky clothing and even that doesn't keep my body warm enough.  Six months ago it was warm, so why is it cold now?!?  I don't want it to be cold!"  I don't actually say those words, but my emotional reaction is the same as if I had.

This resistance to the present situation is based in the notion that it shouldn't be that way, that it should be better, or more fun, or more nourishing, or more comfortable. There is a comparison going on.  If I had been born on an Ice planet which was always cold, and I had never knew warmth, then I would not resist being cold.  I would not suffer from the change. Another example of the suffering of change is when someone we love doesn't love us anymore.  Oh how painful the suffering of change is. Whether they never actually loved us the whole time, or whether they did and their feelings for us changed, its just as painful because we see it as a change.  Its a change in how we thought our world was.  As human beings we resist change at every turn, unless we see the change as an improvement of some condition we had already been resisting.  For example, in the spring it is so blissful to be able to go outside in a T-shirt and feel warmth.

The suffering of pain and the suffering of change are linked.  For instance when we burn our finger, we feel pain, and our minds may think. It shouldn't be this way, and then we shout. "WHO LEFT THE STOVE ON!"
We had a finger that was doing just fine, and then our world was disrupted and now it hurts. We want to know how to fix the situation so it won't happen ever again, and so our anger rises to help us fix that situation. We look for a reason that we can focus our laser beam eyes on and we usually find someone or something to blame.  Sometimes we blame ourselves and in these cases we turn our anger inward.  Guilt is anger turned inward.

Politics is a great example of the suffering of change.  People get so upset when they learn that their government is corrupt. "It shouldn't be this way!" they shout.  They believed for the longest time that there was no corruption, or at least that there wasn't much. How upsetting it is to find out that the reality of the situation is different from what they believed it to be.  Their anger is based in their feeling that "it shouldn't be this way" which is based in the notion that it used to be different.

One could argue that getting angry and protesting is an effective way to change an unjust situation.  This may be sometimes true in a relative sense, but the fact remains that people suffer from their resistance to what is.  This isn't to say that we should all just lay down and be doormats to every power hungry sociopath that walks into office.  This acceptance of a situation is an acknowledgement of what life is right now.  Its not a statement that that is the way it should or will stay, it is simply a complete honest assessment and acceptance of what is.  People who work for change from a place of calm acceptance of what is, often are far more effective at changing the situation than people who are suffering from the dashed beliefs of finding out that their world is not what they thought it was.

Acceptance of what is, is acceptance of the fact that life is change. Change is always there, in every aspect of life.  Being disappointed with every wrinkle is a resistance to the fact that our bodies are constantly changing. Resistance to the fact that life is a process of birth, aging, sickness and ultimately death is a fundamental source of suffering for us all.

You couldn't have life without change. You couldn't be born if there were no death because change is the foundation of life and death is a necessary aspect of change.  Complete acceptance of this fact will bring you great peace, because you will probably no longer fear death.   Complete acceptance of the impermanence of existence, is the realization of the true nature of life.  This is not bad news.  The "bad" part of this fact is based in the resistance to change; the feeling that "it shouldn't be this way."

This leads to the third type of suffering that the Buddha spoke of in his first lesson.  That is, the all pervasive suffering of ego.  The Buddhas of all the times have said that we are suffering and we don't even know it.   We may get a glimpse of that suffering when we are quiet and we feel the hum of boredom pulsing through our body. Or we may realize the nature and intensity of that all pervasive suffering when we find ourselves in total bliss because everything has worked out the way we want it, and we relax deeply into the present moment. Its like just after great sex, when we lie in bed next to the one we love with a big smile on our face. When the ego calms down and slows down, the all pervasive suffering or wanting clears from the sky and we can know the peace which lies underneath.  We often attribute the experience to the event or person who we were with when we had it.  We may find our selves saying someday: "They are so important because they make me so happy! How could I live without that kind of peace? I have to convince them not to leave me." Another example is perhaps the morning of the third day of a "perfect" vacation on a quiet beach where we just had a great breakfast and we sit watching the beautiful sun rise cresting up from the purple horizon.  Our satisfaction runs deep, and our ego rests. Underneath lies the bliss and peace which is our birthright. We may come to conclude that that beach is magical rather then realizing it is our own ego which is keeping that peace covered over with fears, and hopes, and anger, and jealousy, and desire, and ......

I once had a very deep experience of egolessness at a meditation retreat. It lasted several hours, and I understood what it meant when the Buddhas say "there is no self".  I can say from personal experience that without the constant hum of ego's vigilant wanting, there is a peace that runs to the bottom of your being.  A peace that goes beyond the imagination.  It is not something that has to be created by aligning the causes and conditions of our life. It is not something that we need to "make" happen. It is not something that we might win like the lottery.  It is actually the fundamental nature of our awareness.  It is what is underneath all the dissatisfaction which we experience almost constantly.   I believe that this dissatisfaction stems from our ego's evolutionary programming to constantly and vigilantly be in charge.  If it weren't in charge it might die, and if it died then there is an underlying belief that we would die.  But that belief is false. Without this program which hums along day and night, the awareness which underlies who we think we are, would continue.  But that's a whole other topic.

So, suffering is what we have as humans; and there are reasons why we suffer. If there were no reasons why we suffer, if we suffered simply because of the toss of cosmic dice, then it would be really bad news. The Buddhas message was actually a very positive one because he said that there is a cause behind our suffering, and if we can learn what that cause is, we can also learn to transcend our suffering.  Good news!

I think we all instinctively know that suffering has a cause, because we have invented so many techniques and beliefs to escape it; to "make life better"  so to speak.  Almost all of our techniques involve changing some aspect of our environment in order to "fix" whats wrong.  If we have an old car and it keeps breaking down, we are motivated to get a new car which won't change like the old car did; it will be "reliable".  In many ways our solutions temporarily work by eliminating what we perceived to be the problem. The new car doesn't break down as often, or not at all initially.   But for every solution, more problems come up.  For instance, in order to buy a new car, we have to take out a loan, which means we have to work more to pay for it.  We also worry that we will lose this new car we are so proud of, so we install a security system. We worry when we park it, for fear someone will scratch the paint.  We don't want it to change in anyway. The suffering we fixed by buying a new car, is replaced by new suffering.  Its like the whack-a-mole game. You hit one mole down into its hole, and another one or two pops up.

The older we get in life, the more complicated everything becomes because we have to maintain all these "fixes".  The more we have to work and toil over the minutia of life in order to maintain the complex web we have created, the more we suffer.  Life can reach a frenzied pace because of all these efforts.  We may, in a moment of clarity want it all to go away. We may decide one day that its all ridiculous, and we just are tired of playing this game.  We may go off and live in a cabin in the woods.  But that solution has problems of its own.  

The real problem underneath it all is that we think that the problem is "out there", when in fact it isn't.  Its actually inside.  Inside our psyche.  Inside our way of thinking and seeing the world.  There is an old teaching that says, its better to cover your feet in leather than to try to cover all the rocky surfaces of the planet in leather.   This is not to say that the solution to suffering is to harden ourselves against it by our strength of will.  It is saying that the source of our suffering is in our resistance to what is.

Out of that resistance three root emotions have evolved; passion, aggression and ignorance.  We don't like our old car breaking down, so we get angry at it (aggression).  When that doesn't work we long (or have passion) for a new car. When our friends tell us that we can't afford one, we ignore them. So, we go out and buy the new car, and it creates more suffering.   Out of passion, aggression and ignorance our actions create more and more suffering.  We don't like a co-worker and feel upset that they get special treatment by the boss, so we try to alleviate the feeling by talking trash about them to our other friends at work.  Eventually we create a world of drama at work where we are constantly having to watch our back in fear that others might be trash talking about us when we aren't there.  What we thought would alleviate our yukky feelings of jealousy, have actually created more problems and more yukky feelings.  The examples are endless.

When we are feeling negatively towards our coworkers, instead of jumping right into our pattern of talking trash about them (covering the rocks with leather), what if we looked clearly and honestly at why we felt the way we did.  What if we decided not to talk badly about them? This is what they meant by covering your feet with leather.

The Buddha said that the path out of suffering is called the noble eightfold path.  It consists of:

1. Right speech
2. Right action
3. Right view
4. Right intention
5. Right livelihood
6. Right effort
7. Right mindfulness
8. Right meditation (or sometimes called concentration)

He said that the way out of the cycle of suffering starts by ending the causes of our suffering. He didn't say... "God won't like you if you sin, and he will smite you, so you better be good!" He said, we create our own suffering and if and when we realize this, and want to stop suffering, here are some basic changes we need to make in ourselves so that we won't create any more negative consequences which we will suffer from in the future.  He said, take charge of your own happiness!  Here's how to do it.  If you don't, all that will happen is that you will continue to suffer.  Some have said that this is why we suffer, so we can come to a better realization of how to live in better harmony with ourselves and others.  Its like learning the hard way.  If we don't learn the lesson, we will go through the cycle of suffering until we do.  In other words, we can suffer as much as we want.

When I first read the noble eightfold path list I thought, "Oh no... another set of rules to follow. Geezsh!" However, its not like that at all.  We don't have to be perfect, we can be a hypocrite and still escape suffering.  In reality it is impossible not to be a hypocrite in this world. There are too many compromises in life not to contradict your self.  Having the notion that you should not change your opinions or beliefs is just as ridiculous as thinking that you will not grow old, and die.  Life is a work in progress, not a test of our perfection. So, the important thing is not to fear making mistakes but to learn from them.

So, what do each of the eight changes mean in terms of our lives?  What does it mean to have right speech, and right intention, and right effort, and right action?  I could probably write a book describing all the details of what you should and shouldn't do, but then I wouldn't be very helpful because you would be trying to live your life by a rule book, and it would be a complicated, disappointing, stressful experience.  All I can say about this is what so many have said before. If you live your life predominantly caring about others, and you don't do things or say things to them that you would not want done or said to you in a reverse situation, then you really can't go wrong.  This is what is meant by right intention and right effort.  Live your life from a broader perspective, not from a small me centered view.  If you do that, if you make that your daily practice, then in the long run, you will be so much more happy than you are right now, you will look back and think... Wow... it was that easy all along, and I didn't even have a clue. :-)

Imagine

Imagine a world where we all did unto others as we would want done to us.  What if everyone asked that question before doing anything.  Would I want this done to me?  If not, then they wouldn't. Imagine how that single mental habit would change the way societies make decisions?  Would there be such a thing as special interests?  Would people steal, cheat, or murder others if they really abided by that simple rule?  They wouldn't.

But just imagine for a minute, or even longer, what the world would be like if everyone would do that simple exchange.  Exchanging themselves for others.  To remember that everyone wants to be happy.  All the things you want for yourself, others want too.  We are all human beings, and we all want recognition, respect, understanding, kinship, acceptance and love.   If everyone, or even most people would see others with the same respect and love that they would want for themselves, then the world would be radically different. Everyone would be respected. Everyone would be recognized, understood (or at least people would try to understand).  Everyone would feel kinship and acceptance, and most importantly, everyone would feel more loved. By giving, we would be getting.

Today, in our world, we can see the effects of me-ism.  Me-ism is the way of the land here on Earth.  People say that its a "dog eat dog world" out there, and you have to only look after yourself.  If thats true, then why do most people love their kids so much?  How many people charge their kids for every dinner? How many people try to profit from and exploit their kids?  Some do, but most don't, because most parents love their kids.  The fact is, that most people work very hard so that their kids have a good life, or at least a chance at what they believe to be success.  This isn't me-ism.  Me-ism is when we exploit others for our own benefit.  From something as small as when we take a handful of extra sugar packets to the exploitation of entire countries,  me-ism is accumulating more and more wealth, while letting others languish in poverty and starve.  Me-ism is cumulative. If enough people see the world as a place where their needs are more important than everyone else's, then there are things like wars and injustices galore.      

Capitalism is totally based on me-ism.  In fact selfishness has become a terrible cult amoung the capitalist culture.  Adam Smith to Ayan Rand all proclaimed that everything will be just fine if and when we all just look out for ourselves.  But were they right?  Take a look at the world right now.  From climate change to weapons of mass destruction we can see the effects of me-ism.  Communism was supposed to be the antidote to me-ism, but it didn't really work because of me-ism.  Productivity dropped when there wasn't any personal incentive.  Corruption is rampant both in capitalist and communist societies.  Corruption always stems from me-ism. Every wallet that was ever picked was done with a selfish hand. They were only looking out for themselves or perhaps their immediate family.  They didn't imagine how they would feel if they were the one who was violated. Every brutal dictator who committed genocide, was coming from a place of extreme me-ism.  Extreme me-ism is really what people call "evil", but all it is, is extreme ego, or in other worlds, insanity.

The antidote to me-ism is you-ism.  Its really simple.  Exchanging yourself for others is a simple step of the mind.  Its a small leap of imagination, and an opening of the heart.  Instead of going through each day seeing the world as a series of threats and disappointments because "nothing ever works out for me", try going through a day seeing your world from the perspective of "how can I make the world better for him or her?"  Instead of seeing someone else's success as your failure, or shortcoming, try seeing it in the same way a team mate see's another teammates big goal.  Its a win for everyone, because we are all on the same team.
I wholeheartedly recommend trying this for a day or a week, and noticing how your life changes.  Its actually quite remarkable.  When I started seeing other's successes from the perspective that they too deserved to be happy, and we were on the same team, my happiness level went up tremendously.  The joy of their success became my joy as well.  When I used to be jealous that so and so got that promotion instead of me, I was pretty miserable. My world was small.  When I started imagining what it felt like to them when they got that promotion, I too became happy. Its like their joy rubbed off on me.  In Buddhism, this is called sympathetic joy.  Its remarkably easy to do once you start trying, and it will make you more happy than you could ever have imagined.  

Once you start seeing others as being equally deserving of happiness as yourself, then your world will change. More people will become your friend. More opportunities will come your way.  Your world will expand, and become truly meaningful.  Eventually, you will come to know more and more in your heart that others are worth caring for, and aren't that much different then you.  You will be there to feel the pain right along with your friend who just lost their cat. Or you won't think twice about volunteering to help rebuild a friends porch which just collapsed due to a huge snowfall.  The more you give, the more you will realize that you didn't need  that thing after all, and in that way, you will realize that true wealth is a state of mind, not a fat bank account. You will begin to see others as equals. Not equal in the sense of intelligence or abilities, or things, but equals in the sense of their basic life force that makes them another living being worthy of being respected.  You will see in their eyes their true humanity. It will be easy to connect to them, and share a moment of honest mutual respect.  Seeing others as equals will lead to this kind of experience more and more.  This is perhaps the greatest gift of giving. Giving your honest respect for another, simply because you are both alive, will make you realize your own aliveness more and more in your heart of hearts.  I believe this is the true purpose of our lives. To realize what it really means to BE alive.

If you could imagine a world where everyone loved each other as much as they loved their own kids, then you will see a world without crime.  You will see a world, where everyone works for the benefit of others, and in doing so, all needs are met.  You will see a world where everything is free and there is no money. A world without corruption, or pollution, or injustice, or wars, or maybe even fights.  It would be a world where everyone's efforts  come from a place of personal passion and not from a place of greed.  I'm not saying that it would be a perfect utopia, because there is no such thing as perfection in this universe.  There probably would still be some egos that created problems, but those problems would be dealt with in a compassionate way.  For instance, I can envision in this future world, situations where the people who were most impoverished were the ones living in the mansions. They would be served by the wealthy who were only wealthy because in their hearts they would know that they didn't need a mansion to be happy and at peace.  What a turn around it would be.

In this future "enlightened society" I can imagine that when someone was hungry, they would go to a restaurant, and be greeted by a stranger who regarded them as a long lost friend.  The cook would want to serve them the best meal they could because they were living out of the perspective of "you-ism" instead of me-ism.  I imagine that when that restaurant needed more vegetables, they would call a local farmer who would be more than happy to bring some of the highest quality carrots and peppers or whatever they had available, simply because they cared, and saw their role in life as being bigger then simply serving themselves.

If everyone, or even the vast majority of people had this view, then this world would become our reality.  Everything would be free, and life would not revolve around the accumulation of stuff, or the protection of territory.  Life would revolve around being a contributing member of the world.  If everyone had faith that their needs would be met by others, then it would be easy to give away whatever anyone else wanted.  Possessions would really take on a whole new meaning.

This future world is possible, but it will require a fundamental shift in how we as individuals see the world.  We will have to change our minds.  This is what Buddhism is all about; helping people change their minds so that someday, we will all have the chance of living in an enlightened society.