The ball and chain of discipline

Discipline is a really loaded word for our culture.  'You should do this!', 'You should do that!'  When we are being "disciplined" it usually means we did something wrong.  It means we "sinned."  I've heard that the origin of the word "sin" comes from a Greek word meaning to "miss the mark."  Just like the word discipline, the word sin has heavy emotional connotations for most of us. As we were growing up we were full of the creative life energy that is still at our core. As we were learning about the world we often would screw up something like not being able to put the phone back together after we had taken it apart.  When life was simple, and we used sticks to plant our potatoes or whatever it was we planted, so there wasn't much to screw up.  As life became more and more technologically complex, it became easier and easier to make mistakes that would stop the whole thing from working.  Somebody was bound to get pissed off. What did they do when the phone didn't work anymore?  They looked for the person who screwed it up. They would say things like: "You broke it" , "You break things",  "You are always breaking things" , "You are a bad person", "Don't touch anything, just sit here quietly."  We were just being curious, and look where it got us.  We were criticized and reigned in and suppressed.

The question is, is it useful to discipline and criticize people?  Does it work to help people hit the target next time?  What does criticism really do?   When we criticize ourselves, does it help us to become better people?  Does it help us to do everything right, and keep the wheels and cogs of our mechanized life running smoothly?  If it does, then are we happier because of that?  Does criticism make people better, happier people, or does it cripple us and make us think we are no good?  Does it make us think that we need to be perfect to be good? Does criticism make us into productive, perfect little non-sinners?

I've found that it actually does the opposite.  When we are young, and still very uncertain of who we are, then others opinions of us are really important.  We believe our parents when they told us we were bad because we took the phone apart.   Every criticism became further evidence that we were imperfect, and maybe even bad. Every time we broke something, every time we got a bad grade on the spelling or math test and our parents frowned, we came to believe that we were no good.  We wanted to be good people.  When we played with our friends, we would feel the energy of life flowing through us and we would feel good.  Every time we laughed a genuine, full chested laugh, we would connect with our inner goodness, but that wasn't enough to overcome the daily criticism from the mechanized, complex world where everything had to be just so, in order to keep working.  Doing our homework, getting to school on time, getting good grades.  It all required concentration, and container.  The creative life energy we had, had to be contained and suppressed in order for us to be "good" people.

All this criticism, and containment has really done the opposite of what we had intended.  Its made us into scared, depressed, sad individuals who believe that we have to hold it together by force of will or our lives will fall apart. The 70's band "Supertramp" said it best in The logical song   Usually what all this criticism has done is to make us worried constantly about making "mistakes", about being exposed for our "faults".  If we are criticized a lot when we are growing up, we often learn to start criticizing ourselves in our own heads.  In this way, our parents learned to be critical and heavy handed, and we learn from them to be critical and heavy handed, and we often pass that way of thinking on to our kids.  You may find that you are criticizing yourself right now for being so critical and judgemental.  The criticizing is criticizing the criticizing. :-) 

I've found that I am much more productive and have much better results when I approach work from an almost playful attitude.  When I'm not worried too much about doing it all "right" then I relax and take it all more slowly, and enjoy the process, and I actually make fewer mistakes.  When I'm not feeling bad about making a mistake, then whatever I'm doing becomes play, not work.  When your whole idea of self doesn't rest on the outcome of whatever it is you're doing, then what you're doing becomes lighter, less heavy.  Mistakes can be seen as a blessing when you don't believe that you need to be perfect.  When I first started working on cars, I probably broke more than I fixed because I needed to make a whole bunch of mistakes in order to learn how it all worked.  The mistakes were the tuition I had to pay to learn how to do it.  If someone gives me a recipe to follow, and I don't know why I am doing each step in the recipe, then there is very little chance that I will remember how to do that task in the future.  But if I make mistakes along the way, then I can learn why.

Mistakes are probably the most important way that we have in this life to learn.  By thinking deep down that we are no good when we make a mistake, we are cutting ourselves off from the joy of learning.  We cut ourselves off from the growth that happens when we learn and evolve as human beings.  If we like who we are right now, then we can't curse our past no matter how many mistakes or "sins" we may have done.  If we don't think that we are "bad" people because we have made those mistakes; if we instead realize that those mistakes were a big, necessary part of growth and learning, then we may even come to be happy that we made those mistakes.

When the Dalai Lama was first told about the word "guilt" he didn't understand because there is no equivalent concept in Tibet.  Yet Tibetan teachings do talk about "remorse".  So whats the difference between western "guilt" and eastern "remorse?"  The difference is that in the west, we see our sins or mistakes as evidence that we are "no good" deep down.  When we feel bad about yelling at our kids, we are feeling bad about ourselves because we want to be "perfect" parents. Guilt is an ego based emotion, whereas eastern remorse is really more about compassion.  If we had remose for yelling at our kids, because we made them cry, we would feel bad with them. When we feel remorse we could simply decide, 'I don't like feeling bad when they feel bad, so I will remember that yukky feeling next time I am thinking of yelling at them.' It would have  nothing to do with who you are deep down. Its simply would be a part of learning how to be a better parent.  If on the other hand we feel bad about ourselves because we "sinned", because we screwed up, because we over reacted, because once again we've shown that we are not perfect like Jesus, then we are much more likely to rationalize the whole situation; to shift the blame.  We might think that our kid deserved to cry, or we might think that being a parent requires us to yell at our kids.  The more emotional energy we bring to a situation, the less likely we will see it clearly.  If we slowly learn that our basic nature is like that of the Buddha, then we won't take it so personally when we make mistakes.   I became a much more effective parent when I finally realized that I wasn't ever going to be a perfect parent, but that didn't mean my kids lives were doomed. The more I realize that deep down I am basically good, and mistakes don't take away from that, the more I am able to feel remorse for mistakes and the less guilty I feel for those mistakes.

Living from a place of guilt is like living in a dungeon. Its a dark scary place, where you need to control everything.  When our playful energy is covered over with the dark energy of guilt and suppression, then our lives become very gloomy.  Many people who are in the habit of criticizing themselves habitually, often turn to alcohol or drugs in order to get some relief from that dungeon.  The medication often become a further source of guilt though, so in the long run that approach sends them further into the dungeon.  They believe more and more deeply that they are not good, that they will never be perfect.

Living from a place of knowing that you are basically good, that the inner light of your basic nature is that of life, and that that inner nature is as inextinguishable as the sun, is living in a place of freedom.  Did you ever notice that some people have a spring in their step, and even laugh when they make a mistake?  They don't even seem to try and yet they often pull of the most amazing feats of athleticism or skill.  When they are doing their thing, whether its knitting, or snow boarding, they are enjoying life.  A mistake is looked at, learned from, and they become even better.  Its not personal, and they probably don't even use their successes as any indication of who they are as a person.  Maybe there is something you really do that you enjoy.  You look forward to doing it because its "fun".  Succeeding, or failing with that thing probably has nothing to do with your notion of who you think you are.  When you make a mistake, its no big deal, because your whole soul is not at stake.  There is no reason to blame anyone else for a mistake because its not really personal.  So because its not personal, its much easier to learn from mistakes.  It might be something as simple as doing sudoku or crosswords in the morning.  It might be restoring an old sailboat in your garage.  But, as soon as we bring our self into the picture, the energy of the task changes.  If all of a sudden, we entered a crossword contest and we wanted to prove to the world how great we are at solving crosswords, then the whole situation would change.  We would be moving from the garden into the dungeon.

I'm not saying we need to throw off all the responsibilities of our life and join a hippy commune.  I'm saying that it would actually be much more useful for us to change our approach. To not take it all so seriously.  I had a bunch of bumper stickers made up. They say: "No matter how big your grave stone is, it wont make you any less dead"  It may sound negative, but knowing that life is not about becoming rich or famous, or even becoming super successful, is actually a big relief.   Knowing that its not about being perfect, is a huge relief.  Its like the jailer has decided to let us out of the dungeon.  Life becomes play when its not about becoming someone other than who you are already.  The need to do certain things like going to work or doing the dishes, does not need to be something we force on ourselves like a dungeon master whipping the chain gang into breaking the rocks faster. We don't need to force ourselves out of fear and heavy handedness into doing the necessary tasks. Even if we don't take it all very seriously, it doesn't mean we will just become slobs.  If we do become slobs, then maybe thats OK too, for as long as we need to be slobs to realize that we actually may enjoy a clean house more than a messy one.  If we are slobs for a while, does it mean we are no good?  No. It doesn't. If we clean the house not because we believe it will mean anything about who we are, but rather because we learned that we like it better clean then messy, we are approaching cleaning in a whole new way. We may not enjoy it, but if we give into the process because we know we need to in order to get what we like, then cleaning becomes more lighthearted.  Its not so serious.  If we force ourselves into standing in line at the grocery store, it feels so much different than if we give in to standing there because we accept the fact that we have to wait in line to have food.  If we are suppressing ourselves and using the force of will to stand there, then it becomes really annoying when the cashier is going slow, or if the person in front of us has a lot of groceries. But if we give in to the situation, and accept that this is an experience we are having, then the whole experience can become playful. We might make a new friend, or joke around a little with the people standing in line with us.  The person in front of us is not viewed as an obstacle, but rather a fellow waiter. When you give into a situation as opposed to making the situation "go your way", the doors to the dungeon open, and light shines in.

The key to the dungeon is already in your hands.  Its been there all along.   If we simply accept that doing the dishes is the experience we must have at this moment, because we like clean dishes, and we give into that, and realize that success or failure it has nothing to do with who we are, then life becomes light and easy.  We may even find that there is a spring in our step, rather than a drudge in our trudge.   If you find yourself saying, 'yeah thats all well and good but what I'm doing with such and such project is really important.'   Ask yourself, what part of that project will last?  What has anyone done in the past that really lasted, or will last forever?  Even the pyramids will eventually crumble into dust.  If you are doing what you do because you enjoy it, then it really doesn't matter if it lasts forever does it?  If you are doing what you are doing because you hope it gives your life some ultimate meaning or definition, then sadly, I have to say it will not work.  Even if you won the nobel prize in chemistry, would it give you the peace you had been hoping for? Would it "complete" you? If you take the "self" out of what you do, you will find that peace.  Life wants to flow through you, but it can't when you take it too seriously.  All creativity comes from lightheartedness, and lighthandedness.  All spark and energy, and enjoyment comes from that flow.  We cut ourselves off from life when we live in the dungeon of ego.  We cut ourselves off from others too.  Watch how kids live, and you will see.  The key to your freedom is right there.