Happiness is a Choice

Happiness is a choice. 

Is it really?  Hmmm.  Lets think about this for a minute. That statement just doesn't seem to be true.  What about people caught up in a war that they had nothing to do with?  How could they be happy with bombs exploding all around them and their loves ones disappearing one by one? How could people who had had loads of bad luck, and find themselves homeless, in a city without sympathy, be happy?   How could happiness be a choice when clearly there is so much suffering beyond our control or doing? 

Maybe we should take a different perspective and explore those avenues of thought that come from that perspective for a few minutes.  What causes suffering?  Is it the person, place or situation that causes you to suffer? Is your suffering because of the slow, beaurocratic DMV which causes you to painfiully wait for an hour just to renew your license?  Did they cause your suffering?  How could you choose happiness when clearly you had no control over the situation which led to you having to spend an hour in extreme boredom, in a stress filled room?   Some might argue that you could have just not gone; but then what would you have told the police officer who stopped you and asked why your license was expired? 

So much of what happens to us in life is beyond our control.  Even the richest people on the planet have limitations.  All the kings and queens and totalitarian dictators of the past did not control everything and everyone.  Even they suffered because things just didn't always go the way they wanted them to.  Is this what the Buddha meant when he talked about universal suffering in the first Noble Truth?   I think it is. 

But what about the other three Noble truths?  What was said about happiness and suffering in them?  Basically, the Buddha said, in the second Noble Truth, that suffering has a cause. There are causes and conditions which play out every day. These causes and conditions can play out in ways that create situations in our life which cause us to suffer.  Sometimes it was the bad decisions we made that created those situations, and sometimes it all was seemingly random.  If we lie to our friend a lot, why are we surprised when he catches us in a lie by some random hapenstance?  Why are we surprised when he leave us in the dust for better friends?   

In a general sense, all things exist and flow in the direction they do, because of a lot of different causes and conditions which play themself out according to the laws of physics, chemistry and karma.   Saying that suffering has a cause, is essentially just stating the obvious. That's how the universe works.  It may see random when war breaks out, but is it really?  Wars are caused by humans trying to get more of something or to prevent the opposite from happening.  There were many causes and conditions which led to each and every war that ever happened on this planet or any other.  Being aware of the causes and conditions around you can help you avoid those situations which will likely cause you to suffer.  Moving to a neutral country before the war starts can only happen if you are aware of the causes and conditions which are in play.  There are no guarantees but it is possible to avoid many, (but not all) situations which would cause you to suffer.  The fact that there is suffering, and it has a cause leads us to the conclusion that there is a way to avoid suffering. This is the third Noble Truth; the fact that there are ways to avoid suffering or perhaps even to become free of any suffering.  

Using skillful means such as the Noble Eightfold Path to avoid suffering is all well and good, and will probably make you a much more helpful, polite and happy person, but not all situations which make us suffer can be avoided.  To be alive, it means you will die someday.  That's depressing, but wait!  Is it? Isn't death just a fact of life?  How could there be life at all without death?  Death is the end of a pattern which started when your parents had sex one night and will end when you draw your final breath.  That pattern you recognize as "me" was not a fixed pattern. It changed over time. Who you are today is likely very different than who you were when you were ten years old.   Life could not happen without constant change, and death is but one of those changes.  If a person accepted their death and found peace in that fact of life, then would they suffer on their death bed?  No, they wouldn't.  We all know people who died in peace. So, even in the face of the worst possible thing that can and will inevitably happen to a person, ( to face their own death, ) it is possible to be happy and at peace.  

This is essentially what the fourth Noble Truth says.  There is a path out of suffering.  There is a way to be happy and at peace no matter what the situation or circumstance.  The Buddha put forth some suggestions or behavioural guidelines, which if followed long enough, can change the circumstances and situations that you find yourself in and more importantly your view which causes you to suffer again and again long after the event happened.  For example: if you choose not to lie to friends, ever, then in the long run they will trust everything you say and will defend you with great loyalty and eventually you will trust others as they trust you.  If you choose not to steal, then eventually people will invite you into their homes and hearts and you will be trusted and liked much more than if you steal a little thing here of a little thing there. 
   
The noble eightfold path is a set of guidlines or self imposed rules which create good karma for you over time.  Look them up, there is a lot of commentary about them.  Some say that you must do these things or you will never be liberated from suffering, others say that they don't matter at all. You must decide for yourself. 

Great things awaited me once I started following these guidelines. Guidelines I've followed at first out of effort but then eventually out of habit.  I wasn't perfect but I have improved and my life is much better as a result.  For instance: I've gotten so many good friends by simply getting into the habit of seeing others as equals.  I've gotten so many free gifts from friends, once I was in the habit of being generous.  Breaking the guidelines says nothing about your basic goodness, it only indicates that its a habit that needs to be better established. 

However, that being said, its important to note that there are times when painful situations are inevitable.  We are going to die after all. In the end, we all lose everything and everyone we ever loved. This is the unavoidable truth which we all avoid so well.  How is it possible that some people can die in happiness and peace in the face of that tragedy which is happening to them?  The answer is, they accept the situation they are in fully.  In essense they give in to the situation in the same way you finally relax after waiting for a long time at the doctors office.  Its the same kind of acceptance that you finally have when the boredom you were suffering with while meditating dissolves into bliss. 

Acceptance is more than just giving in and declaring defeat. Its an end to your belief that the situation is what is causing the suffering instead of what is the true root of the suffering.   What is the true root of the suffering?  Your belief that the situation is not right and should be different than what it simply is.  Seeing the fly in your $6 latte may seem like suffering for you, but just think about the poor fly.   If you did, then you wouldn't be suffering anymore. You would be filled with compassion which is different than personal suffering.  The self and our constant viewpoint of what is good for the self and what is bad for the self, is really at the root of the suffering and disappointment you feel when you see a fly in your $6 latte.  "Why does this ALWAYS happen to me?" might be what you say inside your head in that situation.  "Why me?" 

Those words: "Why me?" are said because of the self centered viewpoint which you have grown into for many many years. That viewpoint is assuming that the present moment should have been different.   Non acceptance of the present moment is what causes most if not all of your suffering.  Learning to see, (even for brief moments) that it is your attachment to your "self" which causes you to see a situation as 'bad' or 'good' and causes you to resist the present moment.     It is your attachment to your "self" which causes you to suffer not the situation which didn't work as planned. 

To those who say that dropping a brick on your toe will always cause suffering,  it should be pointed out that pain is not always synonymous with suffering.  It often leads to it, but not neccessarily.  The dog who gets bit may cry out in pain, but later they probably won't be thinking: 'Why me?'   They will just move on to the next moment without really making too much out what happened to them at the dog park yesterday.  They accept that it happened and move on. 

If you find yourself in a situation where you are suffering, then look at the beliefs which are fueling your reaction and your thoughts and emotions to the situation. Is it really the situation which is causing the suffering, or is it those beliefs?  Is the world causing your suffering or are you?  If you blame yourself after reading this, then you are doubly suffering because you are thinking you could have been different or should have been.  You are thinking you should have been different even though changing yourself takes time, honesty and the courage to be humbled. Blaming yourself for not being perfect is rooted in a self view which requires that you be perfect to be good.  Is that assumption really true? Do you need to be perfect to be "good?"   

The next time you notice your self blaming and shaming,  remember that changing the self takes time and patience.  If you see how blaming and shaming are essentially just like any other form of suffering that is caused because of your beliefs, then I recommend that you rest in that seeing with out the need to change yourself. Change happens and its inevitable, but positive change happens only when there is a true knowing of who you are now.  

The future can be different with skillful means, dedication and confidence. Following the Noble Eightfold path will change your future in a positive way and will help condition your view to be less self centered which means you won't experience as many situations which currently make you suffer.   The future can be changed, however the present moment or all the past moments, can not be changed. This is because all the causes and conditions that contributed to the present being what it is, have played themselves out.  

Suffering because of something that is happening in the present or happened in the past is like living with a shadow that darkens your door often.  We choose this suffering because we choose to resist it. For example: Forgiving someone is giving in to the fact that what ever happened happened and acceptance of what they did is the only way to end the energy of the situation.  Knowing that they acted according to their programming, or upbringing, is helpful in moving toward forgiveness and acceptance.  Forgiveness is an end to suffering for everyone involved if its rooted in acceptance that the past was what it was, and that that person was who they were.    

Acceptance is the process of seeing that the universe could not have been different than how it turned out to be and each moment of the universe occured because it could not have turned out any other way.  Allowing that to be the truth of the present moment is a much better view than thinking that "If only I had done it differently then it would have been better."  Acceptance is allowing the moment to be as it is without your need to have it be different.  There can be no peace without acceptance and no happiness with out peace.   If you learn to accept every moment as it is, there can be no experience which knocks you from your state of peace.  If you see every moment as being as equally unique and fleeting, as it is, then there is no reason not to smile a lot, even when you are stuck in a hot sticky waiting room with a lot of other stressed out humans.  

If you accept every moment as it is from the bottom of your heart, then you will be experiencing what is called by buddhists as "equanimity."  When you have the view of equanimity all experiences are equally interesting and worth being aware of if not for any other reason than simple curiousity.
   
So maybe the answer to the question: 'Is happiness a choice?' is clearer than we had originally supposed. It is a choice but not one that we can always easily make because of our beliefs and our habits and our conditioned view.  The good news is those aspects of us can be changed and there are lots of ways to do it, but it takes time and patience and the courage to feel humbled when you see things and yourself clearly.   

To see each moment as it is in its simplest form is to be free of the suffering which comes from blaming and the thought that is shouldn't be that way.   To see the is-ness of every moment with clarity and simplicity, without  needing it to be any different than it is, is to be free of suffering regardless of the situation or even the amount of pain you are experiencing. 

Sympathetic Joy

Have you ever watched "Antiques Roadshow?"  Its a show where people go to  a public event with one of their treasures that they usually had handed down to them by their family.  They present these artifacts to experts who have specialized knowledge in that type of artifact. Like a painting or an old vase.  The expert usually gives a brief history of those kinds of artifacts or antiques and maybe the maker of that particular piece, then they give an estimate of how much the item would likely sell for at auction.  

I recently saw a short you tube clip of a woman getting information about a painting that her grandmother had given her. She originaly thought it was a print of an A.H. Farny painting from the late 1800's. When she realized it was a real painting, she took it to the antiques roadshow event and sat down with an art historian. The history of the artist and painting was fascinating but the really powerful part came right at the end when the historian said that the painting would probably be worth $200,000 to $300,000 at auction.  The woman who had inherited the painting started crying.  The emotions were intense and palpable. 

When I saw her joy and shock, I couldn't help but cry too.  I imagined that this woman had had many financial hardships in her life and probably felt financially trapped as so many of us do in our debt riddled economy.  Her release of emotions which she couldn't contain, was a release of all that anxiety and fear which I could tell had plaqued her for so many years. I too felt that rush of joy for her and the relief of fear she was feeling.  I felt that even though I wasn't going to benefit from the windfall of an auction, like she was, it didn't matter because she deserved that win just as much as anyone does. I felt as happy as I would have if the same thing had happened to a very good friend or a relative.   

I realized afterward that what I was experiencing is called "Sympatheic joy" by Buddhist masters.  It is one of the four doorways into Bodhichitta. 

Bodhichitta is roughly translated as open hearted love and the selfless connection of that love.  It is a transcendence of our self; which is one of the best and most powerfful forms of realization in our self oriented life.  

We all live most of our lives lost in the self. We see the world though the lense of the self, and we live our lives with the self as the primary focus of our motivations and efforts. This is just a part of what it means to be alive.  It is just an aspect of being human, but it is also the source of all suffering.  

Buddhists have discovered, however that there is a way to break out of the underlying programming or conditioning of the self view, and that is to cultivate bodhichitta.  They also found that there are four main doorways into the heart-mind of bodhichitta. Compassion, Loving kindness, Equanimity, and Sympatheic joy. These four doorways into the selfless mind of Bodhichitta are called the Four Immeasuables.  

Each of the Four Immeasurables has what are called a near enemy and a far enemy. I've talked about this in previous blog posts so I will only mention the near and far enemy of Sympatheic Joy. The near enemy of Sympathetic Joy is jealousy. If I had felt jealous of the woman who had the Farny painting I would not have been so moved by the experience.  I would have, instead, been hardened in thoughts of impoverishment and selfishness. In other words, I would have suffered more as a result of the self being hardened.  I'm thankful that that didn't happen.

The far enemy of Sympatheic Joy is apathy. If I had not really cared that she had discovered her financial salvation in an antique she had had for so many years without even nowing it, I would not have been moved by the experience. I would have seen it all with unastonished eyes. Living life with unastonished eyes, is seeing the world from a depressing, joyless viewpoint. It is the basis of depression in many people, and is a long slow form of suffering because it cuts us off from the joy of living. This is yet another way the self cuts us off from the joy and peace which is our birthright. 

Seeing others as equals and automatic friends, is a good way to overcome jealousy and apathy.  Feeling the joy of a win that someone else on your team has, is similar to feeling the joy that we have when a really good thing happens to us. This heart-mind view is something that all of us have experienced at times, and there is no reason why we can't experience it again, even though we are not the focal point of the good luck.   

Realizing that we are all so much similar to each other is a great way to open ourselves up to Sympatheic Joy and the selfless mind of Bodhichitta.  Why should we see others as equals? Well, simply put, they are.  Minor differences are just that: minor.  The real core of what it means to be alive and to be human, is the same for all of us. We all want to be happy and to be free of suffering. We all want to love and to be loved. We all fear the end in very similar ways.  This is what it means to be human and knowing that first and formost is a much clearer way of seeing life than thinking that we are better, or more deserving, or more important than others.  

This is why I recommend watching antiques roadshow and imagining that the person who experiences joy is just a good friend which you just haven't had the opportunity to meet yet. Feeling their joy as if it were yours is a great way to transcend some of the suffering of the self and to realize at least, in a little way, your connectedness to all life and the underlying love which is the glue of all life.        

Awareness is Enough

Awareness is Enough

As we get older, we all learn things about ourselves. We, in essence, get to know ourselves.  For example, we may get jealous easily. 'Why does she get to win?!' might be what we say in our heads when someone from the office wins a large sum of money on a scratch ticket. We may find fault in ourselves such as when we don't get the grade we had hoped for on that big test. Those are both examples of thought types we may have on a regular basis. There are many more. 

  You probably have observed this for yourself.  Each thought we have is like a little statement of "fact" and many times we believe in the validity or truth of each of these statements of "fact."  Sometimes we only superficially believe in them or we only hope they are true. When we say to ourselves: "I am really fantastic" we may not really believe it.  Whenever we have two opposite "facts" somewhere in our brains there is likely a storm going on, because its almost inconceivable that two opposite "facts" might both be true or both be false. In our brains there can be only one which is really true.  If we say to ourselfs "I am really fantasic", that "fact" has another "fact which is often the polar opposite like: 'I'm a piece of shit."  Since both of these facts can't be true, our brains either have to suppress and ignore one of them or a storm rages in our brain while it tries to determine which is true. Often on the surface we believe we one thing, while deep down, we believe the opposite.  Since both thoughts can not exist together. one is suppressed and ignored. Its like we separate the two things so that they can't be believed at the same time, or they can't be disbelieved at the same time.  It explains a lot when you think about it. Sometimes your thoughts might be depressing thoughts like when you believe the 'I'm a piece of shit' belief, or they are elated thoghts when we believe the 'I am fantasic' belief.   Have you noticed any of these thought patterns in yourself?  This is a good pattern to see if you want to see.   

It is possible to question all these "facts" which we are so quick to believe in.  When we notice our self say "I'm fantastic." we could immediately be suspicious of that "fact." We could say: 'How do I know this is so?' Questioning these statement's validity is it good way of dismantling them and transcend them. However, most of the time when these mental "facts" pop up, we don't notice. We get caught up in them and believe in them fully. Without a broader awareness of them as a thought that has happened we become those thoughts. We become the impoverished little being that no one loves. We become the victim of bad luck that marks our failed life.  Most of the time, when we think, we aren't aware of those thoughts, and so we assume we are those thoughts or in other words we assume that "Thats just he way it is." We believe in our beliefs fully and act out our lives according to the roles we create for ourselves. When we aren't aware of our thoughts, we live a dream like existence where we play out dramas and experience great suffering and aren't really fully aware of our life.  Instead of appreciating the beauty of a plastic bag rolling in the wind, we are thinking about that snide remark someone gave us at lunch.

The good news is, as a human being, we have the capacity to transcend those dramas and roles, because we have the ability to be aware of our thoughts. Can a dog escape their role as a dog? Probably not, because they probably don't have the capacity to be aware of their thoughts, but we as humans do. In fact, we have just done that right now. 

This awareness is our birthright, and not only does it mean we have the capacity to escape suffering, it also means we have the capacity to evolve into enlightened beings.  Most of us have already had moments when we became aware of our thoughts. Maybe we noticed right after yelling at our partner for not listening when we assumed they should. Maybe we noticed just how much we obsessed about what might go wrong in the future when we felt worried. We might fill up that moment of awareness with another thought (or statement of "fact") such as: "I can't believe I worry so much. What is wrong with me?"  But that second "fact" is just another thought. The really wonderful thing that happened was the awareness of the first thought. That awareness probably only lasted a fraction of a second before the second thought or "fact" zipped in, but the awareness did come in. We are capable of this kind of awareness and that is a really amazing aspect of what it means to be human. Realizing just how wonderful this kind of awareness is, can lead to more of this kind of awareness and can turn a negative thought into a positive realization. 

Awareness is like a muscle; the more we exercise it, the stronger it gets.  This is why meditation is so powerfully transformative, because its like taking our awareness to the gym. Noticing our thoughts and going back to the breath again and again after each thought you notice is a habit that grows the more you do it. 

As your awareness becomes stronger, it becomes a habit in every day life. You begin to notice when you get angry. You begin to notice when you self deprecate, or when you are full of yourself. You begin to notice so much about yourself when you strengthen your awareness. When you meditate every day, even for just five minutes, your awareness arises. You may get to the point where you are aware of what is going on in your mind and body and world all the time. This is what is often reffered to as being the witness.  As you notice your thougths more and more, you begin to observe yourself in new ways. You are becoming free of the you, you believed was you. 

Strengthening this kind of awareness is more important than brushing your teeth or eating lots of vegetables. Those things are important but not as important as transcending your harmful patterns and becoming free of your suffering. Awareness is the foundation of spiritual growth and because we can strengthen this muscle by meditating we have a precious opportunity to become liberated from suffering and to become truely helpful to the world. 

Besides meditating, there are other ways to strengthen your awareness.  Getting into the habit of being mindful of how your body feels and the sensations in your body, is another powerful way to cultivate your awareness. If you are hungry, be curious about what that feeling really feels like. Stop for 30 seconds and notice all the sensations in your body, especially when those feelings are strong. The noticing, is the awareness arising. 

If the noticing is done with playful curiousity, it will lead to more awareness in your future.  Curiousity is the joyful seeking of truth, and before we have any other kind of motivation we have curiousity. This is why curiousity is not part of the ego or the "me plan."; those came later in our developement. The next time you see little kids looking at a flower, know that the joy they are feeling comes from their innate curiousity. We never lose that, it only gets covered up. Awareness practices help to uncover that.  Curiousity is what you may be missing in your life. Its not really missing though,  just supressed.   

Another technique which is useful in strengthening that awareness is the habit of replaying what we said to people or to ourselves, while being curious as to why we said it. Remembering how we were gossiping about a co-worker might lead us to many realizations about ourself and our relationships with others. The important thing is not to beat ourself up for not being the perfect being we had hoped we were, but rather to just rest in that curiousity and to try to find and learn deeper patterns about ourselves just because its interesting.    The important thing to realize is that the awareness which sees the pattern is not a part of the pattern.  The awareness of the gossip is not a part of the ego which feels the need to gossip.  Simply knowing that you are more than just that gossipy person, is a source of peace which is underneath the gossip.  The gossip is like peanut butter on a china plate. The plate is not stained by it, and neither are you for having that pattern or habit.  The plate may be completely hidden by the peanut butter but it will always be clean underneath.   

When you notice some pattern in your thoughts which you don't like, remember you are the awareness which underlies the pattern and the very fact that you are aware of that thought or that pattern is something to rejoyce in because its a reminder that you are not the peanut butter, you are the china plate. If another judgeing thought or "fact" pops up after noticing the first thought, its really great to realize that that second conclusion is just another thought; just another smear of peanut butter. Its not a permanent problem, only a temporary one.  The fact that you are aware of the thought means you already are transcending it to some extent. 

I remember when I first become aware that I often scolded myself for thinking while meditating. I realized that the scolding thoughts were just more thoughts. I also realized that thoughts were like clouds in the sky.  Thoughts were just as temporary and ephemeral as clouds and so really weren't a problem. The awareness of thougths undermines and dissolves them when the awareness is more interesting than the thoughts.  The mind will naturally gravitate to awareness rather than the thoughts when the thoughts are seen this way and eventually those thoughts will not come as quickly or as often. Simple awareness bathed in the joy of curiousity without personal agenda is the key to escaping the jail of your thoughts. 

I also realized that willing myself into non-distraction, just wasn't working for me. If anything it seemed to make me think more and be aware less.  Later I realized that the force of will is the force of the ego, and the ego is the source for almost all thoughts.  By trying to strengthen my will power I was actually strengthening my ego and creating more thoughts. This is why asceticism often feeds pride and arrogance. This is why allowing curiousity to come into your awareness again is important because curiousity came before the ego and is not a part of it.    Ride the wave of curiousity for no other reason than because its fun.  When your curiousity based awareness is fun, then it will arise more and more.  If the awareness is based in the "me plan" then its probably not much fun.  At least it wasn't for me.    I don't think my awareness really grew all that much when I thought I needed to become someone different like a better meditator, or practicioner. But when I was looking at myself out of just curiousity alone, my awareness grew and the mind settled into a more peaceful state all on its own.   

Thoughts are like clouds, they come and go, arise and fall, form and dissolve. A cloud can appear to be a pirate ship, for instance, but we know that it really isn't, and if we look at it long enough, it will surely melt and morf into something else and eventiually, it will dissolve. The awareness of the cloud does not dissolve, however. It is there, all the time. It never dissolves or morfs, it just is aware. This is why reincarnation is possible, because even though the body may die and dissolve, the awareness contained by the body does not. At least this is what I've heard. 

Awareness is like a canvass which can be the foundation of all paintings which are created upon it. Thoughts or ego would not be possible without awareness, yet somehow, most of us really haven't become aware of it.  Yes, awareness can even be aware of itself. Isn't that what we are doing right now? 

The next time you are aware that you have been thinking on the cusion, remember that its the awareness which allowed you to know that you were thinking. The thought wasn't really important, but the awareness arising was. You can rejoice in that instead of feeling like you failed in your quest for peace and enlightnement. So when you notice your thoughts, rejoice in the joy of that. That is a moment of enlightenment which is your birthright. The more joy you feel, the more you will be aware of in the future until, your allegence to the present moment exceeds your allegance to your thoughts. This habit of noticing the awareness and feeling the joy of that arising is a very good habit indeed. It is a huge step in your spiritual growth and the spiritual growth of the planet as a whole. 

Some people might assume that thoughtless awareness is a dull kind of stupidity but I can assure you, its not.  It is the source of all wisdom, understanding and all creation. The wisdom and creative energy of the Universe can only flow through us when our ego gets out of the way.  The practice of prajna paramita is the practice of tuning into that quiet, all pervasive wisdom-awareness; which leads to the dissolution of ignorance and a very clear seeing of what is.  When you know this in your heart, you can not help but smile. 

Noticing your thougths without judgement is noticing them in a state of peace. Just seeing is enough. There is no effort in the seeing. Effort only gets in the way. Any effort to get rid of effort is in the end, just another mind made agenda and will not work. So give that up. Allow your thoughts to come and go but get into the habit of being aware of them out of simple curiousity, and no more.  Resting in the joy of simply seeing is all thats needed and since you already have that awareness underneath everything else, you don't need to acquire it, only uncover it. 

In the Prajna Paramita sutra, which is probably the most profound teaching the Buddha ever gave, is a teaching on emptiness.  There is a line that says, 'There is no attainment and there is no non-attainment.'  This is the one fact you can rejoice in. You already have what you need to transcend the suffering and drama of this life and all the other possible ones too.           

Awareness is the thing to cultivate. Not virtue, not discipline, not magical powers of concentration. All those attributes will likely come right out of the peace which awaits you, like flowers sprouting out of the soil in the spring. Focus on the soil of your pracitce, and that is your awareness. 

 

Confidence

Confidence

When a person has great “Hutzpa” or “Gusto” or “Mojo,” you can be sure they have high self-esteem.
When a person of great Beauty and confidence enters a room, almost everyone takes notice.
They are more likely to be believed, trusted, and liked then when an average looking person enters
the room. Why is this?  Is it their beauty or their confidence which gives them such power over others’
opinions? I found that it's mostly confidence which makes a person attractive. I've known very
beautiful people who didn't appear to be attractive at first because they had such low self-esteem.
I’ve also seen the opposite. I see examples of people like Mick Jagger for instance. He is usually
treated with great respect, deference, and awe by most people he meets. He seems totally confident
despite his lack of good looks. Good looks and confidence play off each other and without one the other would vanish. These two qualities that some seem to have in abundance co-create each other. That being said, I feel confidence is the most important in terms of the reality we create for ourselves.

Confidence in how we look to others, and confidence in how others will treat us is only one type of
confidence.  There are many. Confidence can be focused. You can be confident in your ability to
grow roses and when the day comes that you get your big reward for the prettiest rose, that
confidence will shine. Being an expert is having confidence in your knowledge of a particular topic.
There are many different flavors of confidence, yet a common thread runs through them all. That
thread is having a belief in one's agency, or one's ability to accomplish.

Confidence, when you get right down to it, is a form of belief in oneself. The flip side of confidence is
low confidence, or low self-esteem. I think it's fair to say that just about everybody at times knows
what it feels like to believe that they're a failure or that they're no good or that they're unattractive or
that they're unlovable. At some point in everybody's life we all feel that way. Is it true to say that
without confidence then you almost always believe the flip side is true?  Is it true to say that without
confidence, whatever it is you are trying to do, deep down you believe you can't? Whatever it is that
you lack confidence in; you always believe you can't.  If you believe you can't fix your car by yourself
then you probably won’t be able to. You may even have the sad sad believe that you could never
learn. How’s that for believing in the “I can’t” belief?  If you believe that no one will want to dance
with you at the high school dance, then you may believe or suspect that you can't attract anyone.
Whatever it is that you lack confidence in, there is always an underlying assumption of “I can't.”   
Confidence seems to stem from the flip side of that belief. That is in the assumption of “I can.”
When we have confidence we often are able to over come great odds and accomplish amazing things.

Whether we have confidence or no confidence we are seeing our world through, a similar belief
system.  The confidence/ no confidence belief system is our answer to knowing who we are. Whether
we are abundantly confident, or we lack it completely, the common thread between these two ways of
seeing ourself in the world is that both see the world through the lens of the self.  These are beliefs
about the self. We may assume that others see us as no good, or uninteresting, or unworthy. Notice
the “un” in front of each label? The flip side of each label is “good,” “interesting,” “Worthy.”

What if all those beliefs were false? What if both the positive and negative self views were false?
What if the whole spectrum of self views were all false? What then? Who would you be? This is
something worth contemplating. If you want to contemplate this, the don't forget that question. Ask it
again and again:. “who would you be without these beliefs in yourself?” Resting in the unknowable
nature of that question is the best way to contemplate it.

Perhaps the next question, once you become comfortable with not knowing who you are, is the more
important question. That question is: who is asking and why?  Don’t worry about finding an answer to
these questions either. Learn to see all answers are just more beliefs about the self.

Why not just stay? Stay in the place of not knowing. Stay in the place of openness to possibilities,
openness to change, to anything. This is the place where curiosity is born. This is the place where life
truly happens.

Most of us can only live our life fully when we forget the self.  We are only truly alive when we forget
the self. Holding a newborn in our arms is one way to forget the self.  Flying down a mountain on a
snowboard in a foot of fresh powder is maybe another way to briefly forget the self. Gazing into the
eyes of the one you have just fallen totally in love with is another example. In all these experiences
and so many more like them, we probably felt very alive. There is a reason for that.

What a good day it is when we have experienced life while the “self” took a backseat to the
experience.  Do you remember what it felt like when you were experiencing life without the burden
and anxiety of maintaining or improving the self? The self takes so much of our energy to maintain
and protect, not to mention all the ambitions we have that will “define” us in some way.  The problem is,
that all those things which are used to define the self, and to protect the self, and to maintain the self,
limit “our” awareness to a fine point. A point in space and time which invariably misses the big picture.

The drama that can result from the narrow view of the self is apparent to anyone who watches this
kind of human plight.  Have you ever noticed that during a big drama storm there is often someone
quietly watching the whole thing go down? Didn’t it seem that they were the one who were most free
of the drama?  They weren’t stressed about it because they probably saw that in the long run, it all
meant pretty much nothing. Perhaps one could make the argument that those experiences had to be
experienced by those involved and so in that sense they had meaning, but not the same meaning that
those caught in the drama believed at the time.  Think of all the dramas that must have occurred over
the vast expanse of history. How many of those still have meaning? Did they ever? This is what it
means to see the truth of a thing.

There is relative truth and absolute truth. Those caught in the drama are seeing their world from the
lens of the self and through the limited lens of relative truth are caught in that limited understanding.
Those who sit in the corner and grin perhaps see the situation from the perspective of absolute truth,
or a perspective closer to that.  They are free of the drama. Although they experience the same
situation, they are free of the suffering and anxiety, and adrenaline. They are also free of the hatred
and violence and fear. They have much more peace than those caught in the drama. Those playing
out the roles of “their” selves are the ones who are suffering. (I put the possessive pronoun in quotes
because who owns who? Do you possess your “self” or does it possess you?)

If you contemplate what it is to know thyself without all the labels and beliefs, you may realize
something incredibly profound.   In fact, one day you may realize exactly what the Buddha meant by
the term “no-self.” When you see the world through the lens of absolute truth, you will be free of seeing
it through the lens of the self because you will see that, like everything which is compounded, it is only
real in a limited sense.  In other words, you may see someday when you least expect it, that life is not
really real. When you see that the self is just another set of beliefs, you may be free of it. As you
realize this, you may find that you do not have to take your life and “your” self so seriously. Mistakes
take on a whole new meaning when you no longer have to prove your self.

Once you see the flowing, ever changing nature of life, and can feel the true depths of impermanence
then you will be close to understanding what the enlightened ones meant when they said there is no
self.  To realize the nature of self is to be free of it and all suffering. This is what they say, but find out
for yourself. Don’t take the Buddha’s word for it, contemplate with the aim of finding the truth for
"your"self.               

If you want to go to heaven

Much thought and effort has been given to getting to Heaven and avoiding the alternative. Most Christians assume they will go to heaven simply because they are a card carrying Christian, but will they? Lets hope so, but from the standpoint of what Heaven is, its fair to say that many won't or at least, they won't if they continue to be who they are now. Most people get angry at times, they get jealous, or greedy, or judgmental towards others. Have you ever wondered what Heaven would be like if everyone got in? For instance, what would Heaven be like if people there got angry at times? There could be fist fights. Are there fist fights in Heaven? Maybe Valhalla but not Heaven.

If beings in heaven got angry then it wouldn't be heaven anymore would it? Anger, hatred, selfishness, and greed are behavioral patterns which cannot exist in heaven because if they did, then it wouldn't be long before people would get angry and start shouting, and maybe even start fist fights. If people had fist fights in Heaven then how can you expect there to be peace in Heaven? If there isn't peace in the hearts of all those who live there then its not heaven is it? It stands to reason, does it not?

Although Jesus or Allah or whatever name you use for God forgives you for what you did in the past, he or she cannot change your mind for you, only you can do that. If you get angry or have bouts of jealousy, or greed then you can be sure that you won't be let into Heaven regardless of whether God wiped away your sins or not. The reason is obvious, Heaven is only possible if the people who live there are free of those negative patterns. 

If God changed your mind by removing your hatred, your prejudges and all the things that would make you not fit in in Heaven, then you probably would not be you anymore. In order for us to be alive we have to have free will. If our mind were somehow magically re-wired without our help then we basically would be like a computer or a complex piece of software that could be re-written and restarted. If we didn't have free will, what would we be? We would be nothing more than a robot or some animated character following a carefully written script. We wouldn't be really alive. God gave us life because he gave us free will. If God started tweaking with your programming to make you compatible with Heaven then at what point would you not be you anymore? Besides, wouldn't God have done this by now if he or she could have or would have? God knows that you can't be alive if you don't have a free will of your own. He (or she) knows that the only person who can change your mind, is you. This is why he sent Jesus to the Earth, to help us change ourselves. If Jesus just had to wave his magic wand and make us all saintly again then why did he spend so much time teaching?

What did he teach by the way? He taught methods and viewpoints that will help anyone change themselves if they have to courage to really see their negative side clearly. To work on a daily basis toward becoming a better person is really what God wanted from us all along. Just about every religion on Earth has as its basis the notion that we can and should become better people. There has never been a saint who has started out as a saint. It took a lot of gentle, self compassionate understanding and daily work. Daily contemplation, daily mindfulness practice or praying are great techniques you can use and maybe already do use to change yourself.

Using Jesus as an example of someone we would like to be like, is another way of changing ourselves unless we think that we must either be 100% like him already or we have failed. Many people have this kind of notion I think. That they need to be either perfect or they have failed. This kind of perfection based understanding of personal transformation is overly simplistic.  It assumes that the self is static, and it assumes that either one is a saint or not. The perfection based understanding of personal transformation is not really right.  When we change we usually change slowly, its not all or nothing. For instance, very few people can just quit smoking in a day. It usually takes many times of trying to quit before they succeed. If a person felt guilt for not being able to quit the first time they might not even try again. I personally quit about 10 times before I finally succeeded. Its been almost 15 years since I have had a craving for a cigarette, yet there was a time when I smoked 20 a day.

The most important thing to remember is the one thing that people often overlook. This is the simple fact that we can change ourselves. Why would Jesus have ever even tried to teach to us if he didn't have faith in our ability to change ourselves? We can change ourselves, and that's good news. We don't have to be perfect. Not only can we change our habits and tendencies but even our perspective of our self may change. Moments of wisdom and clarity come to us at the most unexpected times and we are never really the same. Maybe its those daily times when we are quiet which help us to see and to change as a result of that seeing.

What did Jesus mainly say about how to change yourself? He demonstrated how to be meek, forgiving, truthful, loyal, loving, and perhaps most importantly, compassionate. If there is one impression I have of Jesus from what I've read it is that he was always loving and compassionate. Even when he overturned the bankers' tables in the temple, he probably didn't hate the bankers. I think he just wanted to wake them up to what they were doing. He saw how they were harming themselves by expressing their greed.

I am not the only one to say that the most important thing you need to do in order to get to heaven is to do what Jesus did. Some of the things that one needs to do is to learn to forgive, learn to let go, and always try to remember that all life is sacred and unique and deserves our respect and maybe even our love. I believe that if one cultivates love in their own heart instead of anger, judgment, hatred, arrogance, greed and pride, then that person has accomplished more than someone who is been saved by Jesus 1000 times but hasn't changed themselves at all.

I am not sure but it seems to me that maybe baptisms and saving ceremonies are really meant as good starting points on our journey to become better people. I think that is a much smarter way to look at it if your goal is to get to heaven. Seeing these ceremonies as some sort of magic wand waving is missing the whole point. To improve ourselves is to transcend our programming as selfish individuals who are only concerned with survival and getting our little needs met. To transcend ourselves we have to see ourselves clearly and we have to actively work on changing our habits and patterns.

Spirituality can be seen as some sort of conduit to magic and the kinds of things that only God can do, or it can be seen as a path to change ourselves. What approach do you think will be more effective at getting into Heaven?

Finding the Self in the Labyrinth of the Mind

Seeing the "self" from outside the self is so difficult and yet, at the same time, so easy. Its easy in the sense that awareness is effortless.  Its difficult because our awareness has been trapped in the self for so long its hard to even imagine what our awareness would be without the ego at the center.

Perhaps one must go to the center in search of the "self" in order to see, first hand, the nature of self. Its ironic that the self can only be seen from the outside, when one moves their awareness into the center of the mind to find it.

What is it that we find when we go on this journey of contemplation? What is the self or the ego? The self is many things. The self is going places, accomplishing things. It becomes great at times. It is always striving to build itself up.  The self seeks to have a purpose or a place to fit into the Universe. It seeks to secure its future, and often sees events, conditions, or even people as everlasting. It sees itself as eternal, even though the more rational mind may know better.

The self is ambitious and strong at times, and aimless, hopeless and weak at others. The self longs to be liked, loved, admired,and accepted. It longs to be great and fears to be rejected, hated, maligned, or spit upon.  The self fears losing, and failing, and looking stupid. The self fears and the self dreams and it often has hope for a better future.  The self seeks to lock up the future to overcome or ignore those many fears.

Control is the mantra of the self. It seeks control over the body, the home, and ultimately, if possible, the world.  The self believes in its position in life, good or bad as it resists and ignores all evidence to the contrary. The self strives to be whole, real, and everlasting.

Seeing all this from a perspective outside the perspective of the self seems impossible, yet we have just done it.  It was effortless, when you look with curiosity.  Any effort behind any seeing is just another ambition, just another goal, just another thought that came from the self. When you look with curiosity you see from outside the box of self.

The self is the lens we see the world through, yet when we seek to find the self in the center of our being, it is not there.

In the center of the labyrinth there is no-thing at all except the sweet open emptiness which gives a canvas for all of existence. In order to fill a pot with water, first the pot has to have nothing in it.  To say the self is empty of thingie-ness is not a denial of our existence, its a clarification of it.  

The journey into emptiness is a journey of moving toward humility, and peace and clarity.  The journey of seeing this life's attachments for what they are; empty of any lastingness can be a painful one, yet also somehow exhilarating. Learning again and again what we are not is empowering and humbling, at the same time.

The journey is empowering because of how the self is revealed. Sometimes painfully, sometimes profoundly, the self becomes exposed to the light of awareness. Slowly, slowly our inner light shines more brightly as our ambitions are seen for what they are. Step by step all aspects of the self are revealed as we learn that the path toward emptiness is not a path toward nothingness but rather, a path toward everythingness.

When everything is revealed as being empty of permanence, then the great flow of life begins to emerge as the true life force. The vast inter-connectedness and non-duality of our life becomes more and more clear.

I find it interesting that as we walk the labyrinth of our psyche, we are at first making an indelible impression on life. Then at some point when the path and the awareness of the path become one, each step erases the karmic impressions leaving nothing in its wake.  Each step becomes an undoing rather than a doing. What was once a path of "shoulds" becomes a path of "coulds".  What was a path of heavy-handedness becomes a path of lighthearted joy. The path of discovery has led both nowhere and everywhere.

Finding the center of our being is moving toward the light of life.  There is no separate self  so it is not "our" life. Finding the light that was there all along is like coming home to the realization that we don't "have" a life, we are life.

The Anatomy of Desire

It’s been said in many Buddhist circles that desires are what keeps us from realizing our innate enlightened nature.  It’s said that if we can eliminate desires, we will be free of attachments and suffering.  However, isn’t the desire to eliminate desires just another desire?

Maybe it would be good to investigate and contemplate the nature of desire. So what do desires do?  What happens when you are hungry, for instance? Your body has a particular feeling which you probably label as uncomfortable.  You then have the desire for breakfast or lunch or dinner.  

Is the feeling state the whole of the desire, or is there more to it?  I would say that there is more to a desire then just the feelings.  

Have you ever felt hungry for something but you didn’t know what it was? You look all through your pantry and fridge yet you nothing seems right.  Do you want something sweet, something savory? You just don’t know what kind of food it is that you want, but you do know that you want some kind of food.   So, although this would still be a desire its almost to the point that it isn’t. What if you just had the uncomfortable feeling but you didn’t know there was anything you could do or eat that would cure the feeling?  Would this be a desire? I would say it wouldn’t be because just having an undefined feeling without any idea of fixing the problem doesn’t have any motivational power over you.  As soon as you found a cure for the bad feeling then you would crave that cure whenever you had the feeling and then it would be a desire.  Desires seem to have a cognitive component to them as well as the bodily feeling state. 

Is the cognitive part of desire the whole thing though?  Without the feeling, is there desire?  Can you convince yourself you want an omelet when you don’t have feelings of hunger?  Maybe, you go out to the local diner and get an omelet and eat it but it probably wouldn’t be satisfying except maybe  in an intellectual way.  So without the feelings of hunger and the story of how to fix the feelings you won’t be in the grip of desire.  This being said, I have found that if you convince yourself thoroughly you want something even if you don’t have the initial feeling, then you can arouse the feeling, but it really isn’t a desire until both the feeling state and the idea of the “fix” are present together. 

Is there a link between the degree of hunger and the satisfaction one gets when the hunger is satisfied? If you waited 24 hours without eating anything and then you went to the diner and ate an omelet would your satisfaction be deeper than if you only had waited one hour and ate the omelet?   I think it would. There does seem to be a link between the degree of discomfort and the degree of peace one feels by “fixing” or eliminating that feeling. 

One thing I’ve noticed in this whole process is how I seem to have a strange illogical notion or unspoken belief while the feeling of discomfort is satisfied. I have the notion that by eating the omelet then I will be satisfied forever. I never seem to think or am aware of how the feelings of hunger will come again in a few hours even after I eat the food. From my experience there seems to be an assumption that this is a permanent fix because after I eat the omelet, and my desire is satiated, there is an unspoken assumption that there will be no need to worry or think about eating ever again. The feelings of satisfaction seem to have this belief built right in even if it is patently false and we know it. If I was worrying about where or when I would get to eat the next omelet I probably wouldn’t feel as satisfied after eating it.  So it seems that the satisfaction is the pleasurable feeling that I am really longing for.   

Pavlov did some famous experiments with dogs where he would condition them to salivate when they heard the sound of the bell.  An association between eating and the bell was made and it stuck. Maybe desires and the satisfaction of desires are what our bodies use to motivate us to seek out what we need, but is it the actual food or whatever that we long for, or is it just the feeling we have when we satisfy the desire?  I think it’s the feeling we crave but we assume it’s the food or the sex or whatever the fix is. 

Another aspect of the process of desire is how we can make associations just by repeating a process. If we drink alcohol and it gives us a good feeling after we drink it for the first time, are we then an alcoholic?  Probably not; it may take many drinks on many different occasions before we are hooked.  Smoking cigarettes was like that for me.  I think it’s true with any desire. The more we indulge, the stronger the desire, even if the process of satiating that desire becomes harmful or painful.  So desires seem to change over time. The amount of satiation needed to feel the satisfaction or the peace we initially had seems to increase when we do the deed enough times.  At first when I started smoking cigarettes I only smoked one every few days. Over time I was smoking over 20 a day. All throughout the day I would have cravings.  Even when I was in the movie theater watching a big blockbuster, I would be squirming in my seat thinking of when and where I could have a smoke.

 

Once a desire becomes strong enough, it becomes a lens through which we see the world.  If, for instance, we get a pleasurable feeling when we win money at a casino, it may take several trips to the casino before we are hooked on gambling. If we continue to satisfy that desire again and again, then eventually we will want to go more and more often and the stakes will get higher each time so we can get a bigger rush when we win or until we at least get the same feelings of satisfaction we had when we first started.  We may take out another mortgage on our house so we can have enough money to gamble with so we can continue to get that feeling of satisfaction. We will probably negotiate with ourselves to convince our more rational mind that we “need” to mortgage the house.  We may try to convince ourselves that when we win big as we most definitely will, then we can not only pay off the mortgage but all our other debts as well.  So we do it. We mortgage our house and go gamble it all away.  If gambling isn’t our addiction then maybe it’s a drug addiction. The story will be slightly different but the general plot will be the same.  Desires are a part of being human, but indulging them over and over can lead us to ruin.

As biological beings we need things to survive. We need energy, certain chemicals like carbohydrates, water, proteins, as well as oxygen.   We need warmth, and sleep too. Desires are our body’s way of motivating us to get what we need.  However some desires are learned and are not what we really need to survive.  Other desires are for things that we kind of need but could survive without.  For instance, the desire for sex is a desire which seems to be hard wired in us, but we don’t need sex to survive, only to procreate. Our notion that we need sex to feel whole or to feel the deep love we believe we are missing, is a part of the desire for sex that is learned.  Other animals have the desire for sex at times but they don’t seem to be tortured with self doubt if they don’t get it.  We do, however. There are some desires which are completely learned.  Learned desires like gambling addictions are almost always for things we really don’t need to survive.  

As long as we have a human body, and maybe afterward too, we will have desires.  So the notion that we should abandon all desires is not practical and probably in a truly honest sense, impossible until at least we don’t have a body anymore.   So how do we work with desires so that they don’t dominate our life?  

Being human means we will have desires.  If we didn’t we would likely not survive.  If you want to see how strong of a motivational force our desires can be, then go a day without eating, and watch your thoughts as well as your bodily feelings.  Maybe even write your experiences in a journal and record the time when you make entries.  It takes a lot of courage to do this, so if you can’t, then try it for 12 hours instead. Notice what thoughts you might have.  You may say things to yourself like, “Why do I need to do this again?” or you might think, “OK, 6 hours is long enough, I get the point.”  Noticing your self negotiations during a period where desires are strong is a powerful practice because getting into the habit of seeing your desires from a slightly more panoramic view can lead to all kinds of realizations over time as our self deception is revealed.  You can really learn a lot about yourself if you are able to see how you go about convincing yourself to indulge your desires.  

Refraining from an addiction seems to be a good way to lessen that desires grip on us, however is that the only way to be free of a desire, and are there any possible problems with this approach?  Is denying your addiction through force of will a good way to unlearn a desire?  When you make a New Year’s resolution to quit smoking, does it work?  It does for some people but for most, it doesn’t.  Most people can’t just stop their desire and habit cycle cold.  In fact trying and failing can make it harder to quit in the future because it undermines our confidence.  There are other major problems with the force of will approach, and I will discuss those later in this essay. 

Why is it important in overcoming a desire to have confidence?  What are you really having confidence in?  Is it your will power to scold your body into following orders?  No… that’s not the kind of confidence needed.  The confidence needed is the confidence you have in your ability to stay.  When you can stay with your feelings in the midst of a desire and feel your body fully with curiosity, compassion and resolve then you will be building your confidence.  If each time you waited longer before having the cigarette then over time you would have more and more confidence that you won’t explode or die without the fix even though it might really feel that way during the desire.  As your confidence grows you can stay even longer and as you can stay even longer your confidence will grow more.  

Eventually you will be so good at standing tall during the storm of your desire, you will realize that it’s just a feeling. You will realize that it has no real meaning and it will be easy to give up. In fact you might even see the whole desire-indulge cycle to be silly and laughable.   This approach of working with your desires can work if you have enough patience and compassion with yourself.  If you try to use the all at once approach you may end up believing you are somehow flawed, or that you just don’t have the will power to overcome your desire by force.  In the more gentle approach you learn over time that in order to stay with your feelings for longer and longer, you have to have curiosity and compassion courage and some self discipline but the self discipline is not the most important part, courage, curiosity and compassion for yourself are.  Know that habits are not formed in a day and so they can not be undone in a day.  

If you want to find peace, then how can forcing yourself into submission be a way to find that peace?  Won’t the desire just come back again and again in the battle between your good, wholesome, ideal you, and the slothful, sinful, lazy, indulgent you?  Which side usually wins in the end?  For me it was always the indulgent side, because even when I managed to go three years without smoking a cigarette, the desire was still there waiting for the right conditions to pop up.  As soon as my will was on the wane, and I was feeling stressed and sad, I gave in to “just one”.  Of course I was smoking a pack a day again in about a month after giving in to that “one” cigarette.  

Isn’t the force of will, simply the force of suppression? Isn’t the process of suppressing our desires simply the ego suppressing what the body is screaming for? When I am suppressing my desires through the force of ego, it’s like there is a war going on inside myself.  Isn’t suppressing our desires by the ego really a separation of mind and body?  Isn’t it simply learning to not pay attention to what the body is telling us? I think it is.

This dualistic split in the quest to be a “better” person is not a viable way of working with your desires. Aside from the fact that it really doesn’t work most of the time, this approach can lead us further down the hole of suffering.  Either our self confidence is undermined and we begin to see ourselves as weak, and eventually we may even come to think of ourselves as “no good,”  or it will cause us to become split into two.  When we train our mind to ignore what the body is feeling it causes a dualistic split, or a mind-body separation.  What usually happens is that as we get better at suppressing or ignoring our feelings we slowly lose the ability to feel anything.  We can even lose the ability to enjoy life at all, or at least only on rare occasions.  We become more and more stoic and unaware of a dimension of life that only our bodily wisdom can know.  Emotional intelligence is one of the aspects of this kind of wisdom.  

Suppression of feelings also creates problems because when you suppress your feelings, that doesn’t mean the feelings go away.  They usually just pop up in some other place.  For instance in recent years it has been revealed that priests of the Catholic church sometimes sexually abuse young kids.  I am not alone in the belief that this is due to them suppressing their desires so that they can convince themselves they are “pure.”  If this is true, then it shows how following the path of ego, even in the pursuit of spiritual growth, can lead to the exact opposite. 

Being able to feel our feelings fully, is very important for our spiritual development because compassion and sympathetic joy both are experienced through being aware of our feelings fully.  This is because our bodies are like tuning forks in that we can feel other’s feelings in resonant ways.  Notice how being in a room with other people who are angry, often make us angry.  Being in a room with someone who is very sad, can bring us to tears as well.  We may not even be aware that we are feeling their sadness, yet how else can we explain it?  Sympathetic joy, or feeling joy when others are joyful,  is also a body based wisdom that is only possible if you are accomplished at tuning into your bodily feelings.  From a spiritual development point of view, dualistic mind-body separation through the practice of suppression, means we will probably have little compassion or joy in our lives.  

Wisdom without compassion is very dangerous and can lead us to be very cruel as was famously shown by the Roman emperor, Nero, who watched dispassionately as Rome burned.  Without compassion, enlightenment is farther away from you than if you were a squirrel or a raccoon.   Suppressing our desires in the quest to become “pure” can lead us down that path. Its not a path to liberation, it’s a path that either leads us to feeling increasingly weak and irresponsible or it’s a path of becoming cold to life.    

So if the approach of using your will power to change your habits doesn’t work, then what will?  The answer is not simple, and not necessarily easy, but I have found through my own trials and experiments that there is a way. 

First and foremost it’s important to realize that no one has ever been perfect and no one ever will be. Perfection is not really within the nature of how our universe works because perfection is an oversimplification.   Even Jesus farted from time to time.  The notion that you need to build yourself up to be great is patently false and in actuality leads to more ego not less.

The second thing to remember is that because a habit is learned over time, it can’t be undone in a day. It takes time and patience. The longer you have had a habit, the longer it will likely take to unlearn it. So its important to be as gentle and forgiving with yourself as you would be with your best friend or your child. If you scold yourself when you fall back into a habitual pattern of behavior then you are in effect training yourself to not notice the feelings the next time you have that desire.  Its important to rejoice in the fact that you are noticing the pattern in yourself rather than feeling bad that you have repeated the pattern.  Guilt has its place, but not in the process of unlearning a habit.  Remember, habits are not you, they are only temporary, so how could they really be a part of the you which continues?  Wasn’t there a time when you didn’t have the habit, and so doesn’t it stand to reason that there will be a time in the future when you don’t have it anymore?  Learn to work with yourself, not against yourself.  

When you are gentle and forgiving, you will be more likely to be able to notice the feeling of the desire when it comes up next time.  Simple noticing is what is most important with this approach.   

When you do notice that you are having the urge, such as the urge to gossip about others, then instead of immediately trying to fix that urge by blabbering the juicy gossip you are dying to tell someone, just take a look at the feelings you are feeling. Get to know the feelings you are having when you have the urge.  The curiosity part of this approach is what works as the motivating factor.

As soon as you notice the urge, then rejoice in the fact that you noticed the urge, or the feeling and assume that you don’t really “know” how this feeling really feels. Be curious about it and try to learn all aspects of the feeling. Feel your feelings as fully as you can and stay in this curious awareness as long as you want to and notice if the feeling gets stronger or weaker as you watch. Also notice what thoughts come up, and try to remember them for later contemplation.  Is there negotiations or internal arguments popping up?  Notice, but do not judge or use the word “should”, just notice as much as you can.  Remember, its not about being perfect, its about changing your habits.  

Learning to stay with my feeling for a while then giving in to the desire seemed to be a better approach  because it wasn’t so much of a battle I was having with myself as it was a journey born as much out of self improvement as it was out of curiosity. When I used this approach to quit smoking 14 years ago,  I wanted to live longer, and this was part of the motivation,  but I was also curious how much of the raw desire I could stand before giving in. I was on a journey of discovery and I was in no hurry.  When I finally did decide to quit for good, it was a decision which I knew was right on a very deep level.  It was an easy decision which almost made itself, and most importantly it was a decision which wasn’t dreaded, or forced in any way.  It was like I had used up the “need” for tobbacco and had no need for cigarettes any more.  

One day my inner wisdom realized that the desire was caused by the cigarettes not the lack of them.  It seemed like the cigarette was the solution to the desire but once I had enough clarity and experience with the process of the desire then it was easy to see how the desire was just something that happened for a while but didn’t need to continue anymore.  Once the wisdom which can see the desire from farther away, became predominate, then quitting was easy and all I had to do was go through the painful part of physical withdrawal. 

During withdrawal, I meditated a lot. While meditating I was trying to experience the feelings of withdrawal as fully as I could without the notion that there was a fix.  It was a lot like having the flu. Deep down I knew that cigarettes were the cause of the desire, so I didn’t even see them as the fix anymore.    After about three days the feelings of physical addiction subsided and went away. There was peace underneath the desire.  The peace had been there all along. Since I quit  I have only had one or two brief spats of desire which lasted only seconds.  The peace I had when I smoked a cigarette is there all the time now and nothing needs to be done to have it.  When I took the approach of suppressing the desire by using force of will, the desire was still there waiting to come out and take hold at the first sign of weakness in the will.  When I took the approach of learning the desire and contemplating it, and staying with the feelings more and more, the desire became meaningless.  A meaningless desire is no desire at all.

Once you notice the urge and you stay with that feeling as long as you want, out of curiosity, then notice the feelings you have when you are doing the deed, and notice the feelings after the deed is done.  The important thing to remember is to do it out of curiosity not out of some need to be great. Experiment with how it all plays out and be thankful of your awareness of the desire.  A habit is not really a habit if you are aware of it while you are indulging.

Each time you are aware of your habitual urge before you indulge it, try to stay with the feeling a little longer than the last time just to see how long you can go without indulging the habit. For instance, the next time you feel the urge to get a bowl of ice cream, stop and stay for a while as you get to know that feeling.  When you do get the bowl of ice cream eat it slowly and feel all the feelings as fully as you can instead of wolfing it down as fast as you can.  Notice all thoughts the come up as well without judgement. If the thoughts that come up as judging thoughts, then for enlightenment’s sake don’t add another layer of judgement to that.

The condensed process is: stop, stay, feel, do it, feel it more, contemplate and learn.    If you miss noticing the pre-habit process then be aware when you are aware, instead of scolding yourself.  Be as curious and aware as you can be and be joyful for that.   

If your habit is one where you harm others, such as stealing, then instead of going through with the action of stealing, try to fantasize that you stole what it was that you desired.  Try to feel the satisfaction you get by stealing, without really stealing.  If you don’t notice the feeling of the urge until after you have done the deed, then feel the feelings of remorse without the guilt. Know that you are not your habits, but also be aware of the harm you have caused and feel compassion for those whom you caused harm to.  If possible apologize and try to rectify the harm in a way that will hopefully right the wrong as much as possible.   Guilt is not nearly as useful as feeling compassion for those who were victims of the habit and for yourself for having the habit.  Make a wish or have an aspiration to notice before you do the deed next time.

If you follow the path of increasing your awareness and staying with the feeling again and again for longer and longer, then over time, the courage and ability to fully feel the pre-habit body state will increase. Also your need to fix the habit by doing the deed will diminish. Know thyself more and more each time and slowly, slowly you will become more and more free of the habit until one day, it means nothing at all to you. You may one day have an epiphany that you really don’t need those cigarettes or whatever it is that enslaved you.  This is what is called renunciation.
   

Renunciation is a process where desires are seen for what they really are, and giving them up when they are all used up, is easy.   It has nothing to do with building up your force of will or your “angel” side.  It has everything to do with seeing the situation more clearly and being able to work with your mind and your body in the process of that seeing.  We have all renounced many things in our lives. We used to be so attached to our toys when we were a child, but at some point they meant nothing to us. We renounced them without even being aware that we were.  How funny is that? We are all renunciates and we didn't even know we were. 

Through this process I have overcome many desires, however I still have some that will need to be fully seen through at some point. There is no hurry as I see it, as long as I am working with those desires and learning them more and more, I will be knowing myself better and better, so there is no need to eliminate them as long as they aren’t hurting anyone.  If I tried to eliminate the desire as some form of self improvement program then I would fall right back into the ego battle where the force of will is trying to dominate the other more “animalistic” parts of my being.  Not only will this method eventually fail for most people, it will also separate the mind from the body, which is a very detrimental thing to happen on anyone’s spiritual path.